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So March's goals are a complete washout. However, I didn't gain and I have started reading the books I ordered, putting together the sewing stuff, and am about to finish the pre-algebra class (and I think I might actually pass it this time!).

NEWS:

I am leaving at the end of May with Logan in tow for San Antonio. We have decided to build a house and I have to go sign the contract, pick the lot, sign the mortgage stuff, and choose the house options. I am really, really looking forward to it.

Except for the fact I'll be mortified to show up heavier than when I left.

So I'm going to try to drop 15 pounds by May 28th, the day I fly out. So I have a pressing motivation to not be embarrassed by my bad choices the past several months and fix the problem.

Went to McD's with Logan and didn't eat anything there. I brought along a protein bar and ate half instead.

The weather isn't cooperating but its getting better. I miss the outdoor track.

I hate the gym. I feel irrational anger when I am there. I don't know why I have so much hostility when I step into that place. I loved the YMCA....of course they had an indoor track. No indoor tracks here.... just treadmills I get on and hate.every.second.

Otherwise.... life is good.

Oh, and Twitter is kinda fun. Facebook looks like crap.

Weighed in at 179.2 today and wsa frakking thrilled. For like ten seconds, until I remembered just how much farther I have to go. Although its still less than when I started all of this almost 3 years ago.

I also started my cycle today so was VERY surprised to have dropped three pounds (my weight went up to 182.4 for a couple days then started dropping).

I have made it more of a point to watch my calorie and protein intake and yet I have had those foods that usually trigger me. Maybe its having hubby around to talk to right now, but I have had good, healthy controlled eating and its been great. I am normally hitting under 1500 calories, but the last two days I hit 900 and 1200, respectively, and didn't feel deprived at all. I just gritted my teeth when it was time to say, "No more of this, now."

The therapist and I are playing phone tag, but I will try to call her again for the appointment setup.

I ordered several books from Amazon to use for some self work and I am waiting for their delivery, which should be between today and Friday. Breaking Free from Emotional Eating, When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies: Freeing Yourself from Food and Weight Obsession,Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program That Works, and Overcoming Overeating: How to Break the Diet/Binge Cycle and Live a Healthier, More Satisfying Life. The books Overcoming Overeating and its companion When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies actually have an online support group through Yahoo that I plan on joining once I finish reading them (which is required by the group).

I received the sewing books I ordered and I think I might actually be able to learn how to sew simple things with them. I'll probably buy a new sewing machine soon. There are Singers available on Atsugi and Brothers available at Zama. I just have to read reviews and get feedback from my son's girlfriend to see which one I should go with before buying.

I turned 38 years old on March 11th and had a really good birthday. March 10th, my daughter babysat so I could see a movie (Bride Wars) at which I ate Tootsie Rolls and almonds (both with servings setup before hand!) which was my substitute for a birthday cake. March 11th, my husband surprised me with the 160 gig Apple TV I wanted for Xmas. Oh, and the night before my birthday I managed to buy a hard to get copy of Darkfall Online and hubby's other gift to me was giving me the ability to log in and play with a couple of friends for a couple of hours with no interruptions. Then we took Logan to daycare for his playgroup and came back and had hot sweaty couple time for a few hours (though we did take a cat nap in between), then picked up Logan and took him to McDonald's. I had a small fry. The rest of the day I ate great. The next day I had dropped a pound. Go figure.

So, for me, it was a perfect birthday. Gaming and friends, a movie, sex, time with family and a 'naughty' food without going over my calorie goal. I didn;t miss birthday cake one wit.

I love my Apple TV. ITS FRAKKING AWESOME.

Now I will download the last two hours of Battlestar Galactica and watch it over and over again and cry.

Good times.

I've checked my archives and I am exactly 20 pounds heavier than I was on March 17, 2008. Ugh.

I am still 181.2 today, so I'll be noting that in my journal and goal stuff. Someone in one of the Obesity forums I lurk at recently asked if anyone had a certain weight that they considered their 'freak out now' weight. 180 is definately my freak out weight. I was a little concerned and annoyed when I hit the 170s but never felt I couldn't get everything under control..... seeing 181 appear a couple days ago has me extremely upset.

I've had to take sleeping medication just to relax enough to get to sleep. Yesterday, my stress and anxiety was so bad that I completely had what I called a 'relapse' and ate like complete shit. I was great up until 6pm, which does seem to be the time I lose control or start flaking out. Now, the usage of 'relapse' causes me some pause... I guess I do see myself as an addict, which means I probably shouldn't be trying to do this by myself and need to get some professional help. I've said that before but I wasn't really serious about it, more like the 'hmm..maybe it would help a little' kinda thinking. I do worry that I call myself an addict to 'excuse' bad behavior and that I'm simply a lazy failure.

I am so angry with myself right now...I have lost a year's worth of work, and for what?!

So here, yet again, are some plans:
I am calling the family support center TOMORROW and making an appointment with a counselor.

I am calling the hospital to make an appointment for bloodwork and physical to make sure nothing is wrong with my body-- supposed to do this anyway and I haven't had a checkup in over a year.

Hubby has taken leave and will be with me for 16 days and has agreed to help me get back on track. This includes workouts and helping me moniter my intake.

No more McDonald's. Subway is across the street and I can grab a sandwich before heading to McD's if that's what another family member wants. I don't eat the bread of a Subway sandwhich, I eat the insides.

I've decided to drop the beef jerky and look at better (and more normal) ways of getting in my protein. I have relied way too heavily on beef jerky for the last two and a half years.

I am now reading Overcoming Overeating and will be hitting the library for other resources to combat compulsive eating. I'll keep track of what I am reading here.

I'm going to see if the gym offers yoga classes I can go to, as well as pilates. Hubby may be getting a new (better!) position at work which will allow him to come home by 5pm, which gives me greater freedom. He would also be off on the weekends, freeing me up to catch weekend classes.

I'm going to continue bowling-- I really like it and its a physical activity. Its also one of the few things that I do that I do not equate with food. In fact, I don't even WANT to eat or drink while I do it and that's a damn rare thing.

I'm going to start doing more self-work daily during those times I've had the most trouble controlling my impulse to eat. Which means evenings. I am great until after 6pm. When the weather permits, I'm going to restart the nightly walks I loved so much when I lived in Guam. Exercise has always helped me stay focused and fight off the head-hunger demons. I missed the YMCA this week, with its free daycare and indoor track. No indoor track here! Anyway, the daily walk will not be recorded as the 4 times (minimum) a week workouts.

I've got to be on top of my multivitamins and supplements. I am getting sick more often and its really hurt my plans to be working out more often. Yet another reason to make that hospital appointment.


I want to point out to any anti-WLSers... this surgery isn't failing me. If anything, its kept me from hurting myself even more than I could have. I know I am feeling defensive about it, but it is the God's honest truth-- I'd do the surgery again in a heartbeat, even knowing that I personally would still struggle. For me, my little stomach is an asset and I just need to get my brain and emotions back in sync. RNY has not failed me.

Weight Watchers helps people. So does Nutrisystem, Jennie Craig, and other ways all of us try to lose weight. When people regain do we blame the programs? Well, I guess some of us do. So to anyone who is readng this and chuckling to themselves that they just knew it couldn't work, you've got it all ass backwards.

I am struggling.

I'm not sure why, but within the last 4 days my weight has jumped 4 pounds. I saw 181 pounds on the scale this morning.

My calories have been at or below 1600. I know I have probably reached the point in my post-RNY that I am no longer malabsorbing calories. I'm becoming a bit more active again, thanks to some good weather, but I have been sick twice in the last two weeks (sick again presently, but I was feeling much better today). I am beginning to wonder if my metabolism is completely screwed up and that 1600 I take in is more like 2000 to my body.

I'm not sure if I should put the 181 on the ticker or not... maybe my body is freaking out over the calories going down. Actually, it just ocurred to me that we found my favorite beef jerky up at Sagamahira and I have doubled my intake of beef this week-- which would up my sodium level. So although I had lower calories, maybe my body isn't too happy with the 'new' food... which would make sense consiering the bathroom has become a place I visit too often and I've been very 'uncomfortable', if you get my meaning. I am still struggling with getting the proper amount of liquids in each day. Could this simply be too much salt and I am retaining water? O, please God let it be so, because I am beginning to feel like a complete failure.

Hubby is taking leave next week and he's going to work out with me for two weeks. I turn 38 on the 11th. I had really hoped to be at my goal weight by now, but I screwed the pooch on that one.

Hubby and I have talked about all of this and he's been great, but he still falls into the 'want to please my wife' role and doesn't remind me to eat better (even when I am being awful and practically DARING him to tell me not to eat something). He's very quiet about it. When I gave up sodas at home, he and my daughter would bring one home for me as a 'treat.' Hhhhmmmmm.

I'm going to drink a bunch of water and tea the next few days, cut out all jerky and see what happens on the scale. If it says 181 on Sunday, I'll put it on the ticker as official. And cry in a corner for a bit.

I need to make a doctor's appointment to have my bloodwork done to make sure nothing is wrong.

In other more positive news-- I've moved forward on the new year's resolution to learn how to sew and purchased three books through Amazon. I'm buying a sewing machine for my birthday and my mother is sending me some money to buy items for a first project-- which will probably be something as simple as pillows for the new couch. There is a craft store in Yamato I have been told to go to (its across the street from the train station) which should have plenty of stuff for me to try.

Oh, and my pre-algebra class isn't so hard this time around. I'll just be glad when its over. Then I have the Psych course and will probably not do any other classes for a bit. I'm thinking about taking a free study course here on base for Chemistry...its a pre-req for nursing...might go ahead and see how that goes for me.

Hubby still wants me to do law, though.