The last week I have managed to keep daily calories under 1500. I'm ready for my March challenge now.

I have seen the scale go up and felt uncomfortable in my clothes. I have felt how out of shape I have become and have seen everyday the clothes that are too tight to wear anymore. I noticed I was borrowing hubby's shirts and sweatpants more often.

But it wasn't until yesterday, while standing in front of a huge mirror while waiting for Logan to finish in the potty did I really, really see what my body looks like now as opposed to how it looked just 8 months ago. How ashamed I felt at the moment. How very, very disappointed I feel right now.

Project Mojo is on.

I'm typing this while watching the latest Biggest Loser episode I downloaded from iTunes (I bought the season).

I did tell hubby about what happened the other day and ever since I told him... I have felt less anxiety. He was incredibly understanding and even felt that maybe I need to get some counseling at the Family Support Center. I go back and forth on that. I'm not sure why. Today I have had only one moment of the urge to eat...and that happened just a few minutes ago. I did indeed eat something due to it and I wrote it all down (It totaled 150 extra calories). Luckily, still just within my allowed calories. Today's calories were 1500. By March 1st,I am changing my allowed calories to 1300. April 1st it will be 1250. May 1st will be 1200.

Today I went for a short, short walk with hubby and then bowled four games with Logan. I am so sore and tired from that but it felt great. I broke a sweat and my heart was pounding. I am really out of shape again.

My cold is pretty much over and Logan goes to daycare tomorrow from 2-5pm. I plan a longer walk. IT may be raining, so I'll go do a couple miles on a treadmill at the gym. My cycle is almost over, too, which is great, because I retain water like the frackin' Hoover Dam. I've also been feeling pretty frisky lately and with hubby on day shift now, the odds of adding almost daily sex to my workouts have increased, so I'm looking forward to that!

We've been looking at older homes in Cibolo, Texas for purchase and we've been really pleased with what is available well within our budget. My son, his girlfriend,and his friends who may come along with them have agreed to live in anything we purchase. Its great for them (we're letting them stay there practically rent free) and great for us (because we can all stay together here in Japan). Win-win situation. Only change would be my tummy tuck having to wait yet another year or so, but if we get a home we fall in love with... its worth the wait. Some of the homes are just a few minutes from my parents' house, which would be great for everyone.

I'm feeling more positive today. About everything.

I am blogging about this right now before I decide to keep it to myself. I know I worry about looking weak, but at this point, having gained over 20 pounds in the last 7 months, I need to worry more about fixing the problem than what people are thinking.

I had a horrible food day today. Ok-- I just now edited a sentence where I write it 'really wasn't that bad'-- but it was. First I ordered small french fries at McDonald's -- and hated myself as I ate them. Logan grabbed a bag of Tootsie Rolls at the commissary and I of course allowed it... because he's not on a diet, right? I knew, I just knew I'd be eating them and I was right. The bag is gone. I think I ate half. I didn't keep track over the few hours we were eating out of that damned bag. So I ate a total of at least 700 calories just in candy. Add the french fries and it comes to over 1000 calories. Let's see the other things I ate today, which I'm happy to say were the healthier items I normally eat. I started with a can of Progresso soup. I ate a bag of bbq beef jerky throughout the day (the bag gives me 42 ounces of protein for just 240 calories) . This evening I ate an apple and 2 ozs of cheese- an ounce of pepperjack and an ounce of 2% mild cheddar cheese. Then I began snacking on almonds and raisins later in the evening. My total calories for today is 1940.

That isn't why I am blogging though because I want to talk about what I noticed today and what finally hit me right before I logged in here. I know I have said I am a food addict. I said that mostly because I feel I am pretty damned happy and that I thought I was mostly eating out of boredom. Nothing much deeper than simply that.

It hit me this evening that I am so obviously an emotional eater and I finally, FINALLY, know what triggers me.

This afternoon after having the can of soup I left to pick up Logan from his therapy class. I had already went on a small walk after dropping him off and even talked myself out of fast food and had gone home for the soup. As I left, I could see all the little chores that I hadn't done while Logan wasn't with me. I chose to check Facebook and read some internet forums and articles instead. After I walked out the door, all I could think about was french fries. I usually take Logan to eat at McDonald's after school, so its pretty normal to head there with him in the afternoons. Afterwards we headed to the commissary and grabbed some groceries. I made good choices there, aside from getting him that bag of Tootsie Rolls. I bought sugar free popsicles instead of the Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches. Bought fruit. Didn't buy chips or cookies. Purchased more chicken tenderloins.

Got home... saw the mess again. I was ripping into that Tootsie Rolls bag before Logan even remembered he'd grabbed it. I didn't notice. I felt guilty though, about the mess. Picked it up a little, but allowed myself to get distracted by the computer reading email and journals. Realized hubby woould be home soon... ate more Tootsie Rolls. Felt bad that the house wasn't perfect. Its never perfect. I'm always feeling anxious about it. Started eating jerky even though I wasn't hungry-- in fact I was still full from the french fries and the Tootsie chasers. I had a moment when I wondered why I'd grabbed the jerky. I put it down.

Throughout the night, while we watched television as a family, I realized I felt full still...not hungry and yet I was, in the back of my mind, thinking about getting things to snack on. I didn't though, because I was now aware of it and it was actually pissing me off. Logan kept bringing me Tootsie Rolls, though (he had taken the bag in his room) and I kept accepting them and eating them. When hubby went to bed, I sliced up an apple and ate 2 ounces of cheese. I counted it as my dinner. I saw the mess in the kitchen again and felt pretty tense. Escaped to my computer and ate my dinner while reading forums.

The big moment where I woke up to what was happening was after eating the apple and cheese and settling down to do my math homework. I had done a couple of sections and decided to do the review section that covers previous chapters. It didn't take long for me to get confused again over orders and principles and I got so upset I actually started to cry. Then it happened.... I started to cry and actually said, "I need something to eat." It startled me to hear myself say that when I could still feel my stomach being full with dinner. I was not hungry and I had just finished eating less than twenty minutes prior.

I waited about fifteen minutes before I caved and grabbed the raisins and almonds. I've eaten about a handful of it. But I am eating it when I am not hungry and its obviously to give myself emotional comfort.

I'm medicating myself with food when I feel anxious and guilty. I am a stay at home mom and although my home is no longer a pigsty the way it was when I was clinically depressed years ago... its still not where I am proud of my skills as a homemaker. My husband never, ever complains. He never, ever puts me down or is critical of me. None of the negative messages I tell myself come from him at all. I am realizing that I do have standards that I feel I am not meeting and I am becoming angry at myself. Instead of jumping right on top of everything, I seem to become paralyzed by my own anxiety. As if I know I can't do it right so I might as well not do it at all. I am constantly telling myself I am lazy, unambitious, and a bad wife. The bad wife bit has been occurring more often and its very much tied into my anger at myself for the housekeeping and my weight gain. My husband told me this week I was a good wife and I took good care of him and, I shit you not, immediately I thought, "What is he talking about? I'm awful. I don't do anything but sit on my ass."

Iknow I've had moments of clarity like this before, where I've mulled over the what's and why's of my own dysfunction. This time feels so very differant because I wish I could describe just how shocked I was when I heard myself. It was an honest-to-God Eureka! moment without the happy excitement. I knew I was an overeater and a grazer, but I never really felt I had a trigger....I just thought it was a bad habit I couldn't break.

I see it now. Now I have to come up with solutions on battling the behavior.

Right now I am going to work on affirmations and becoming an aware eater. If I eat something I am going to make damned sure I know why I'm eating. Time to get back to keeping a journal.

I understand that some people won't see the big deal. A lot of people just think weightloss and maintanance is only about willpower. I am beginning to think that for an overwhelming majority of people struggling with weight and self image, our issues are more than if we can deny ourselves a cupcake. We need to get to the root of the problem or nothing will change.

After thinking about it for a couple of days, I've decided its silly to wait until March 1st to start the challenge, so I'm beginning today. I am hoping to hit 167 pounds by March 31st. Friday and Saturday my calorie intake was 1100 and yesterday it was about 1500-- I went to the movies (He's Just Not That In To You)and ate some candy and had a Coke while out. Still no Cokes at home.

I am happy to say that I haven't had french fries since my last post. Yesterday I just sat and watched everyone else eat. I realized that I went two years without french fries before arriving in Japan, so its not such a loss, really. And because I didn't touch the fries, I was allowed the soda at the movies-- of which I drank half. My total intake of soda yesterday was probably about 8 oz.

I am almost over the cold and Logan has speech therapy tomorrow, so I plan on a wwalk if it isn't raining. If it is, I'll hit a treadmill at the gym. Hubby is back on day shift (YAY!) so getting into a daily routine will be easier since we're not tiptoeing around the house while he sleeps. Its a holiday today, so the daycare and schools are closed, so no play group for Logan today. I'm getting ready to take him for a walk in a little bit up to the store to get some 2% milk and sugar free popsicles.

I picked up some more books from the thrift store last week. The speical was 10 books for $1.
Children's books for Logan:
Dad's Little Helper
The Runaway Kite: An Adventure in Japan starring Goofy and Mickey Mouse
Hey Look At Me! Here We Go
Clifford and the Big White Ghost
Strega Nona Takes a Vacation (anyone else remember these books? I loved them as a kid!)

For me:
Star Wars Volumes 1, 2, & 3 of the Jedi Acadamy Trilogy by Kevin Anderson : Jedi Search Champions of the ForceDark Apprentice (all paperback)
Star Wars Volumes 2 & 3 of the Timothy Zahn trilogy Dark Force RisingThe Last Command(all paperback)
Ender's Game Orson Scott Card (paperback) - was really excited to find this one
Invasion Robin Cook (paperback) - really enjoy this author
DeadstockJeffrey Thomas
Rex Mundi The Guardian of the Temple Book OneArvid Nelson,EricJ,Jeromy Cox (graphic novel Dark Horse comics)
Just the Weigh You Are Steven Jonas, M.D. and Linda Konner (paperback)

Low-Fat Mexican Cook Book: Recipes for Healthy Eating Sunset Books (paperback)
Unrooted Childhoods: Memoirs of Growing Up Global editors Faith Eidse and Nina Sichol
The Man in the Ice: The amazing inside story of the 5000-year-old body found trapped in a glacier in the Alps Konrad Spindler, Leader of the Scientific Investigation (paperback- lots of photographs and illustrations)
The Last 100 Days: The Tumultuuous and Controversial Story of the Final Days of World War II in Europe John Toland (paperback)

I spent $2.

I have a quiz for math this week and work for chapter 4. I can't wait to get beyond these algebra classes.

Still tired from being sick but I am feeling better. On top of my vitamins, calcium, and b12, which makes a huge differance in my health and gaining my goals.

Yes! Finally, finally found my red!


Its darker at the ends than it should be, but will lighten up later on- however, the red is very intense in the sun and I love it. I'll see if hubby will help me tomorrow capture it. Also, subsequent dyings will get it to be the correct shade all over as I'll be doing root applications and not the all-over like this one was done over the pre-existing red. The pre-existing shade I've been using is Feria's #67- Cardinal/ Rich Auburn Brown but I decided to move on to something I thought would be closer to the shade I want: Loreal Feria's #66 Ruby Fusion and I'm so pleased to finally find it. Now I can buy the packages in bulk. My daughter loved it and hubby said it was better than he expected (he was cringing when I ordered it HAHA). I read the one review on Amazon and I didn't have the dried effect the other user had...I have a feeling that person dyes her hair a lot of shades and maybe doesn't condition her hair very often. Mine feels great, it didn't burn at all (maybe she scratches her head a lot?), and didn't smell. Feria has always been the best and the color lasts a long time (for reds), so I'll be keeping an eye on it. The last dye job lasted 3 months and looked pretty, so I stuck with the same company. My blonde roots looked awful, though! Hubby found a grey/silver hair, too when I asked him to look. Guess its that time!

Logan is talking more and more and becoming a little more understandable, but the temper tantrums over miscommunication are increasing. I feel like I apologize several tiems a day for not understanding him. We just keep plugging along.

He's surprised me in the last few days with these- first in Loganese and translated:
"Its oo dark"----'Its too dark.'
"No bink you"----'No thank you.' (He has always said Thank you but never with a no!)
"I oozed my doo hands" ---'I used my two hands.'
"One, two, three four, five!"
"Me and you pway togeder?" --- "Me and you play together?" (also said with now? at the end)
"I love you, Mommy." "I love you, Daddy"
"I pway my wee now?" -- 'I play my Wii now?'

I know he has said more new things, but I forget to write them down! Its really great and we started sending him to daycare this week on Mondays. Wednesdays and Fridays from 2pm - 5pm. He LOVES it, so I don't feel bad at all.

I am sick right now but as soon as I am over it I will be using that time to work out at the gym.

We are still on track to pay off our Escape in May. I am just over the moon about it.

Okay-- I am doing a ten pound challenge in March. I'm giving myself a reward if I lose 8 - 10 pounds that month, but I can't come up with anything other than a nice pair of dress shoes I can wear with my slacks that are too tight right now. I'll get a very low heel or just a nice pair of flats. The April challenge will be 7 pounds. If I reach each challenge, I will have taken off the weight I gained in the last 7 months.

I picked ten pounds because I am going straight back to RNY basics in March and I'm using this month to slowly adjust back to them. I've given up soda at home and I am NOT LIKING IT ONE BIT. But I have done it. The vending machine on the first floor calls my name (and my daughter's) but we haven't given in. It helps that the Coke down there is not caffeine-free and I'm trying to stay away from caffeine as much as possible. The advantage of my pouch is honestly the fact I don't get hunger pains. Its extremely rare for me to feel physical hunger. I can go almost a day without eating before feeling hunger (which has only happened on rare, hectic occasions!). So I am going to use that advantage again and stop the grazing.

The grazing and eating less dense foods (often called 'slider' foods by gastric bypass patients) is where I have gone very, very wrong. I chose Oreo cookies, Tootsie Rolls and caffeine-free Classic Coke as my drugs of choice and the fact that you can eat massive amounts of these over a course of a day and not dump (I have a pretty high tolerance for sugar compared to some RNY patients). Oreos are easy to give up- no big deal there at all I won't miss them one wit. Tootsie Rolls are like crack to me... so I think I'm going to have to just say NO all the time. Like an alcoholic. Coke Classic...I have much more control with that. Honest. I'm really removing it from the home because the sugar amounts whack out my whole body and I feel like I'm trying to control my blood sugar all day... which is what leads me to grab the sugary foods in the first place. Prior to surgery I was easily drinking a six pack of soda a day. Thanks to the bypass, I dump on more than half a can at a time. So on most days I was drinking maybe a can, but I was very aware of the days when I drank two cans in the course of a day (I know tha sounds silly to some, but it scared me). When you are trying to keep your calories down, two cans of soda add up, so until I am in control of all my sugar intake, I am going to have to keep the real soda out of the house. I did drink some Sierra Mist Free the other day and I remembered how much I liked it a year ago, so it may be a substitute later on. Its been sold out this week so I've been stuck with tea and water.

Another slider food I've let in my diet and I find embarrassing to admit-- McDonald's French Fries. They are GODAWFUL for ANY diet. Yes, I do know I could have that frickin' can of soda in the evening if I gave up the fries completely because DAMN those fuckers have lots of calories. And they do absolutely nothing nutrionally for me (or anyone). So this week I've been 'weaning' off of them which really translates into trying to let myself eat some and pretend I'm doing 'better.' Yes, I know this. So I'll be french fry free very soon and I won't be happy about it as its my secret, secret tummy lover and who likes to give up anything we really secretly enjoy? I will, though, because I'm making the connection (HA! Yes I have that book) and acknowledging that I have some problems to sort though and food is one of them. :)

Another problem I have is not making sure I get enough sleep and that's just killer on motivation. Because any time you have a moment to do something alone... taking a nap sounds really, really good when you are dragging. So sleep is the number one priority. I can't be focused if I'm sleepy!

I really, really want to be at my goal by New Year's Eve. 135 pounds. If that is going to happen I need to step it up. Keep trying. Failure is giving up.

We've received our tax returns and promptly paid off a loan. Then looked at our savings and decided to go ahead and pay off all of our credit cards. What a nice feeling its been the past few days knowing those are taken care of and we won't be carrying that debt anymore.

Money returned to our pocket each month after paying off loan and credit cards: $340.

Credit cards are put away and won't be used again until next year on our trip to the States for my surgery and vacation. Then they will be promptly paid off the following two months.

Our next goal is paying off our Escape by June 1st. That will put an additional $300 back into our budget.

I decided to give online courses another try, so this time I signed up for the math course this term and then a psych course for next term. I'm hoping this will help me get past the math anxiety by being able to focus on just that. I hate math, I really do, but its a requirement for finishing any degree, so I have to grit my teeth and get it over with as soon as I can. I'd love to be able to return to UNL with my math courses already taken care of and get to the good stuff.

We've decided to keep my little blue car. I don't like driving the van and should I get a job when Logan goes to kindergarten next year, I'll need it-- especially if I am substituting for DOD schools here and at Camp Zama. I still walk with Logan to stores when the weather permits and if we are only getting small items or going for a bite to eat.

I am looking forward to warmer weather so we'll be outside running around more. Hubby starts his day shift around February 16th, so I'll be able to go for walks on my own in the evenings, which is fantastic. Or hit the gym down the road for weightlifting. I really need to get started. I know the weight will fall right off as soon as it all starts back up again.

I saw Mount Fuji finally on our way back from Yokusuka on Saturday. It was almost evening, so I only saw its silhouette, but its profile is unmistakable. Supposedly in the mornings you can get a beautiful, clear view of it from the flightline. One day I'll head out there, maybe this summer on a walk, and take some pictures.

The sky was hazy today, which is probably from the volcanoe eruption. I haven't felt any tremors or anything and we're not getting hit with any ash. Tokyo is getting some, but we're farther away and aren't in any danger.

The day of the Superbowl I picked up our DVRs from the cable company. I am in heaven! I have my HGTV, Fine Living, and DIY channels back and Logan gets to watch Noggin again. We have more movie channels and television channels and the feed streams live on some channels and a 24 hour delay on others. We finally have a prgram guide to find out what is on and now I can record shows for us to watch later when hubby is working or we are out. Which is great since we've been buying a lot of shows off iTunes.

Things here are going really well here. We're doing well with our financial plan so far and if we stick to it...oooh, things are going to be so good next year!

Logan is enjoying his speech therapy and this week I've heard two new phrases from him. I just wish he received more than 2 2-hour sessions a week. We are starting to wonder if we should put Logan in the hourly preschool class at the child care center, but only 3 hours at a time on the other three days he doesn't have the speech therapy. I really think the more he socializes with kids his age, the more his cummunication skills with improve.

I'm just really glad he's a pretty happy little guy. I'm totally spoiling him, though.