I need to apologize, once again, for not updating.

Since my husband left, I have fallen into a bit of a funk. This month I returned to bad habits... self medicating with food. Since the Halloween candy is out, well, guess what I was using! So as I had my month long pity party, I ended up gaining back a few pounds. I saw my weight shoot back up to 157 and I flipped the fuck out.

Although I am still struggling with it, I was able to get help from my husband by instant messaging, talking on Ventrilo, and receiving emails. It helped to tell him how I was feeling and even though he was a bit upset by one good crying jag, I'm so glad that he is here for me as much as he can be right now. Its so strange to know he isn't the man I married... he's better, stronger, and more solid than the kid I gave vows to.

I was able to get it all out with him last week and in that week, I cut back on the candy and watched my weight fall back to 153 (which it is today). I am having a major problem making sure I drink enough water in the day and its starting to make me worry. Not so much about dehydration or that fact is really does slow down your weightloss, but the fact that its a very real probability that if I do not fix that issue I could get kidney stones or worse.

Maybe I need a kick in the head or something.

I do feel better, though. Honestly. I worked out 4 times this week at the gym. I was really sporadic with the workouts this month, so its pretty much a wash for the whole month. I am still losing small increments of inches... I am justhisclose to fittinginto a size 12 jean. Right now I'm wearing medium shirts and 12/14 pants. Except a pair of yoga pants by Danskin. The 12/14 is too big and the 8/10 Petite ones fit perfectly, and look fantastic! I now have more than one pair of shoes, too! Purchased some leather boots for the winter (low heel, of course) so now I have 1 pair of sensible boots, one pair of high heel boots, 1 pair of Nikes for the gym, a pair of old sneakers for yardwork, and a pair of strappy heels for dresses (wore them for summer).

I now happily have my Paraguard IUD taken care of and I had a fabulous nurse place it for me. She also was really happy with my choice (she has used it as well, although she is now beyond childbearing age) and I could not have asked for a better bedside manner. For the week following the placement I dealt with the urge to have another child... and I'm really thinking its tied to feeling lonely and bored. Waking up and getting out of the funk this week, I am feeling no need whatsoever for another child. None. I am ready to raise my kids, finish my college, and have some fun.

Today we bought my oldest son his first car. Its a 1995 Oldsmobile Regency Elite in a deep red. He absolutely loves it, as do I, since it was just $2000 and rides like a dream. His grandpa found it for him and they also pitched in on the car. My oldest was responsible for the registration and any other fees. Luckily, that was under $200 so he didn't have to dip too deeply into his savings. I'm going to be taking him driving more and more often (he drives our Escape to work and I drive back home) and will be signing him up for driving school in December. He can take his license test any time after January 2nd. Oh, I live for the day I'm not his taxi.

Logan no longer uses the pacifier and I put him to bed awake and he goes right to sleep. No crying, no fussing, no running out of his room. I set up an easy ritual-- Spongebob episode, turn off tv, brush teeth (he does really well), then say goodnight to his brother. We head into his room and sit on his bed and read four books (same damn ones! ack!) then I give him hugs and kisses and turn off the light. I tell him I love him and will see him in the morning and I leave the room. I do leave the door open, though. It doesn't seem to bother him that he can hear me talking quietly to his brother. Maybe it actually helps. Right now we average an 11pm bedtime and an 8:30am wake up. He still takes a two hour nap. I am willing to bet when I am no longer driving his brother around, the nap will disappear and he'll go to bed at 8pm and up at 8am.

Logan is talking a blue streak even though we understand little of what he is saying. We're just happy he is jabbering and each day he copies a word we say (today was 'nickel' and 'monkey'). When I go to the gym now, he waves at me when I leave him in the playroom. Thank God.

I am reading a lot and with NaNoWriMo abou to start, even though I am not signing up, I am going to do my own sort of participation. I'm working on a zombie story with my oldest, just for fun.

I will write more later. Promise.

Logan lost track of his last two pacifiers yesterday, so right before bed I was doing a frantic search for them. Logan was helping me to look, but I was unable to locate either one, so I just said, "Sorry, baby, they went bye bye!" Then I cringed as he rolled around on the couch trying to fall asleep without it. I was certain he was going to pitch a fit, but he didn't and eventually drifted off. I put him in his bed and told myself I;d be up a lot that night due to him waking up and looking for it.

He did wake up crying once in the night, a cry so throaty it sounded like pain, so I dashed in there like I always do to help calm him down. His older bother shares the room with him and he stepped out because the crying was so loud. When I go to Logan in the middle of the night I just lay down in the bed with him-- I don't make eye contact and I don't talk. Normally, I'd give him his pacifier and he'd be asleep within moments again and I'd creep out after ten minutes. This time I just rubbed his back-- which helped him pass a little gas. He tossed and cried for about six minutes or so, with me just laying there quietly, and then suddenly he quieted and went back to sleep. The oldest tiptoed back into bed and after five minutes I snuck out. I expected to have to do it again soon after that. However, Logan slept the rest of the night through.

He went all day today without the pacifier and went to sleep on my lap without it. I figure I'll be up again tonight with him, but its possible that he had simply had gas and that it hurt and once he passed some of it he was able to go to sleep just fine. I found one of the pacifiers behind my daughter's door-- he must have left in it there the other day when they started playing (she chased him around the house for a little bit). I have yet to find the other one. Hopefully I can find it before he does, because it looks like we may have started the weaning process!

Another surprise that Logan had for me was pooping in the potty! He did it last night and this morning and both times he came to me to tell me he needed to "poo poo" and tugged at his pants. This evening before he went to bed he tugged at his diaper and said "poopoo" and I took it off and he peed in the potty. Logan is also really excited about flushing the toilets-- so much so that I now have to close the bathroom doors just to keep him from flushing them all day long.

I just got off the phone a little while ago with my husband and I was able toreport that the hospital finally got a hold of me yesterday and set up another IUD appointment for me on the 11th of this month. I told him if this one doesn't work that I'd get a refreel for the tubal ligation. His reaction has me particularly stunned-- he said he didn't want that to happen, that we should keep our options open.

Now, I know we've been joking withour kids and my parents about having a fourth, but now I am wondering if my husband wasn't completely joking about it. Maybe he isn't sure we are done yet. I did think he was completely done with having more, which made the tubal seem like a wise decision, but if he asked me to have another, I honestly couldn't say I'd be totally against it. My last post surely does read that way... and perhaps that is because I really am ambivelant about having another. I wouldn't mind another, I'm just not driven to it. If hubby wanted another, however, I'd be happy to do so. I do worry about the risks though.

When he said it, to be honest, I felt a moment of relief. A part of me was very sad about the thought of NEVER being able to have another. So it seems that a tubal ligation would not be a good choice for me right now, but possibly more likely at a later date when we've made a firm decision one way or another. So please send out happy cervix vibes to me on the 11th so I can get this IUD placed.

Today was pretty quiet. I think I got used to having my husband in the bed again because I'm not sleeping as well as I did while he was here. I'll adjust.

Tomorrow I'm calling the hospital to get an appointment to talk to my doctor. Since my cervix is being stubborn about allowing an IUD to be placed, he requested a specialist in the women's clinic, but we've been playing phone tag with them. They don't seem to want to answer their phone. I am considering asking for a tubal ligation. The IUD would have seen me through ten years, to about age 46, which I'd expect I'd be in menopause or entering it. However, on my mother's side, we have a history of births during that period-- my great-grandmother had two children in her forties, which was unheard of in her time. Same with a great aunt. I used to joke that I could get pregnant at the drop of a hat. I have a feeling I could easily think I'm safe from pregnancy only to find myself with a big surprise, like my great-grandma.

I've really been thinking about how I've been someone's mommy since I was sixteen years old. Its pretty much all I know how to do right. I do get scared when I think about Logan going off to school, leaving me feeling empty and useless. My oldest says I need to stop 'just having kids' and 'get a life' (he says this when hubby and I joke about having a fourth child). He's right, even if its put rudely.

I'm beginning my selfish phase, maybe, because I also don't want to gain weight again. I plan on having cosmetic surgery to remove the excess skin I have and I can't even imagine getting to my goal weight just to add another 25 pounds back on to me. Add in the gastric bypass factor with my age, I'd be looking at a risky pregnancy. Yes, I know RNY patients are perfectly capable of having a very healthy baby. I just do not want to deal with it.

I am not driven to have another child like I was with Logan. In fact, the idea of dividing my time with another child makes me feel very guilty. I am cherishing this time with Logan and I think a part of that is because I understand he is the last. That was the plan. The only way another child will enter this family is through adoption.

Now watch, I'll come up pregnant in three weeks.