Sorry I haven't posted. Not much had been happening, but on top of that I've been preparing for the THREE WEEK visit from my mother. Add in the launch of EverQuest 2's PVP servers, and I pretty much was wrapped up in other things. My apologies.

Today was the doctor's appointment and we were going over the lab test results.

Nothing wrong with me. Nada. Zip. Zilch. My blood pressure was perfect this time (must have been my nerves last week). I am also no longer anemic, something that I have always dealt with. Must be the increased fish and veggie consumption. My liver is perfect, my thyroid working as required, my bloodwork perfect.

On paper, I am very healthy person. The only differance between me and someone at a normal weight is the outer appearance. As always, my doctor was surprised by the results... they always assume there will be something life threatening.

My doctor pointed out that by the bloodwork and everything else, my heart disease risk is lower than the general population. How fucked up is that? People make prejudgements about fat people's health. I know it because I've heard it, seen it, and even thought it myself. I weigh more than some NFL players, but Im probably healthier than they are. Bizzare.

My doctor gave me the referral to the Bariatric Clinic at Portsmouth. However, the Clinic reviews the referral and can deny it. I will know by Sunday if I can make an appointment. At this point, I will do whatever they say. I know I will probably (if accepted into the program) be put on a three to six month supervised diet. I will work that program. Hey, if Im successful enough where I'm denied WLS, yay for me. Right now Im just so tired of my joints and back hurting, looking and feeling terrible, and feeling like a slug all the time.

Im even considering asking my mom to pay for Weight Watchers. Really, really thinking about it. It would be accepted as a supervised program.

My Girl.

My Boys.

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I took this video with the CyberShot. Im so happy with this camera! I gave the old videocamera to our daughter. She used it the most, anyway.

Im being good with my choices still and Im looking forward to weighing in at a pound less at the next appointment.

Just comparing two pictures taken with the family videocamera and the CyberShot. Logan looks tired because he *IS*-- buddy refused to go to bed so these were taken around 1:35am. Anyhoo, the lighting isnt much differant, but the new camera has that nifty flash thingamajig! Can;t wait to play with it more tomorrow.

Im off to get some sleep!

I was so nervous by the time I got to the hospital that I felt like throwing up. I kept praying to God to help me through this... and yeah, ok, I asked for an open-minded doctor. I found out the real name of my primary care provider (the appointment taker said it wrong on the phone) and waited. Ten minutes later a grumpy nurse came to get me. I should have known then that things could get bad.

She weighs me- 240 (Had a lot of salt yesterday, but I was sooo good this weekend, its sick)- and when she speaks to me, she is mumbling. I had to ask her twice to repeat her instructions. She took my blood pressure and that was my first shock of the day... it was high. I have never, EVER come up with a high bp, even when I was in the late 240s during the pregnancy. So as the nurse is putting my information into the computer, Im fidgeting with my hands, and she starts mumbling again. I then realize she's mumbling about me and how much weight I had gained since October (my last appointment with another doctor).

"Mmmm...oooeeeeee, you gained some 9 pounds, ya did. You sure did enjoy those holidays...mmmmmm.... all those breads and starchy foods you been eatin'....mmmm its all about what ya put in ya mouth."

I just couldn't believe it. The one thing I was worried about -being lectured about being a lazy ass face stuffer-- was happening to me even before I saw the doctor. I croaked out, "I'm walking and watching-"

She cut me off, "Its not the walkin'...mmm.... its those sweets and all that bread." She nodded to herself and actually looked down her nose at me. Which was quite a feat since I was on the exam table. "Can't be havin' no excuses now..." She mumbled somthing about she had lost some weight and something about a thyroid and not being over 160 ever in her life...it was hard to understand because apparantly she sucks on marbles. And then she stepped out.

My whole body felt numb and I stared at the door she had closed behind her. My face felt hot and I could feel my eyes tearing up, becuase I was so humiliated. I just knew that it was just a taste of what else was going to happen. This was all going to become an excercise in how best to make me feel like an even bigger shit than I did then.

I sat alone for fifteen minutes getting myself calmed down. I was worried the doctor was going to walk in and I was going to go apeshit and bawl and throw myself on the floor on the doc's feet. The the doctor walked in. Exactly my height.... and tiny. Tiny tiny tiny. She weighed less than my mom, I swear, she had to be just 95 pounds. My stomach was trying to climb up my throat.

She had taken extra time and looked over my records. She was friendly and instantly started asking questions about my life and problems with obesity. I felt off kilter with her manner-- she wasn't rushed like the other dcotors I have seen at my clinic. I told her that I have made sweeping changes in my life the last few years and that my morbid obesity is the last true hurdle. That Im so heavy now that I feeel like IM a hostage to my body. How I joke with my hubby that my body is slowly falling apart.

After some conversation, she shocked me (second shock of the day) by mentioning my 'other options' after checking my thyroid. I then took a deep breath and told her that I did want to see about a referral to the bariatric program at PNH (the big hospital in our area). I cannot tell you how happy I was when I realized she was already heading in that direction after our discussion (it lasted about a half hour). I told her how nervous I had been. She honestly had no clue why. I told her how I have had the "stop stuffing your face" lecture and that I thought I would be blown off. She just smiled and said, "No. I can see you've made an effort. Now we are going to just make sure that its not your thyroid and clear out some tests first. I would have to give you these tests anyway for the referral."

So... this Friday I have some lab tests to do. I see her again to discuss the results and 'my options', on February 24th. I left the hospital with a huge smile.

Someone listened to me. They didn't sit in judgement and they didn't make me feel two feet tall. I might regret saying this later... but even if the bariatric clinic decided I was not a good candidate or if Tricare chose not to approve it, I can handle it. Because someone finally listened.

So I get home and Im happy and hubby is playing with the baby. Im so excited and happy to have survived and had such a positive experience after being so scared that I talk a bluestreak. Finally, after talking to my sister and calming down and enjoying the moment-- hubby approaches me with his hand behind his back.

I'm thinking "He got me flowers! Early!" He leans forward, kisses me, and says, "I hope you like this."

And then he handed me a Sony Cybershot DSC-W5 a 5.1 megapixels digital camera. THE EXACT CAMERA I'VE WANTED!!!

I shrieked. I jumped around. I yelled. I scared the baby.

I am having the best damn day.

You're Bettie Page!


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WORD.

I kept my promise- I bought new walking/running shoes! I purchased a pair of New Balance 642s exactly like these. Found them at JCPenney's in a wide width! YAY FOR ME! Next step will be to replace the insoles with padded ones I like from Footlocker. Until then Im just using the ones from the old shoes. Don't worry, new insoles will be bought.

Hubby and I had a great day out with Logan. Our baby was squealing and shrieking with delight at all the people at the mall. He even made some sullen teens smile. We also paid off three debts today in addition to paying off the loan my mother gave us over the rent debacle! YAY!

I am still nervous about Monday, but I know that even if they refuse me, it is NOT the end of the world. It just means I have to work doubly hard to get where I am going. Just going to believe that I can do it with or without the surgery. Even if I feel so very overwhelmed by everything. I will be ok.

Walked a mile today.

Oh my! I just saw that Allison tagged me! I've never been tagged before, so I am sorry Im a day late!

Mimi (Meme-y)
5 jobs I've had:

1. Merry Maid
2. Telemarketer
3. English teacher to Japanese schoolchildren in Naha, Okinawa
4. Gas Station/Convenience Store Clerk
5. Younker's Sales Associate

5 movies I can watch over and over:

1. The Fifth Element
2. The Italian Job
3. Bridget Jones's Diary
4. Hackers
5. Aliens

5 places I have lived:

1. Bellevue, NE
2. Camp Kinser, Okinawa
3. Dededo, Guam
4. Twentynine Plam, CA
5. Dover, DE

5 TV shows I love:

1. Battlestar Galactica
2. Stargate SG1
3. Stargate Atlantis
4. Lost
5. Project Runway

5 places I've vacationed:

1. Orlando, FL
2. Myrtle Beach, SC
3. Clarksville, TN
4. Bowling Green, KY
5. San Antonio, TX

5 of my favorite dishes:

1. Chimichangas w/ Guacamole
2. Chile Relleno at Tico's
3. Taco Pizza from Godfather's Pizza
4. Curry Rice w/ chicken
5. Roast Beef w/red potatoes and carrots

5 sites I visit daily:

1. jossip.com
2. forums.realitytvplanet.com
3. whedonesque.com
4. babycenter.com
5. www.tapsforums.com

5 places I would rather be right now:

1. Lincoln, NE
2. Italy
3. Guam
4. Spain
5. Hawaii

5 people I am tagging:
1. Sarah
2. Holly
3. Special K
4. Theresa Grier
5. Lexy

Feeding Logan nowadays is a struggle. Not because he doesn't want to eat, but because he is very, very interested in feeding himself. He grabs at the spoon and this usually ends up with food all over his face. He also sees it as a game- how quick can I grab mommy's hand before she can get the spoon away from me. I did get the idea to give him a spoon to hold and this has helped, but after a little while he gets a clue and the tug of war over the spoon begins again.

I now give him his solid breakfast prior to his bottle and this works so great for us. As I feed him and he, well, plays with his food, I clean the kitchen. His favorite breakfast is DelMonte's Blueberries & Applesauce. That is what he is eating in the picture taken this morning. About twenty minutes after he eats and has some playtime, I give him his bottle. That, too, has become a game and he now feeds himself his morning bottle. While he contentedly lays and drinks his bottle while cuddled up with Simba, I get to eat a warm meal. I cuddle with him for all other feedings. During which he pulls my hair or tries to stick his finger up my nose. Which he finds hilarious.

I am happy to report that I am back on track with my meals and portions. I had a moment when I saw the scale moving in the right direction that I wondered if I should keep this up because of the Monday appointment. I've decided that to not continue would be counterproductive to what I am trying to do. If they won;t give me a referrel at 238, then they wouldn't give me one at 243, either.

Yes, I have lost five pounds in the last nine days. I have hearts for 8 days out of nine and I walked for five of those. I managed a mile twice, but since I really need new shoes, Im going to wait to get a new pair and padding, hopefully this weekend, before I attempt it again.

Hubby has the whole weekend off. Our daughter is headed out of town as a guest of a friend and our son works all weekend. Hmmm, maybe I can manage some afternoon delight soon! Yay!

I'm still extremely nervous about Monday's appointment. I know which procedure I am interested in (LapBand). Please God, give me a sensitive provider who will listen and not judge.

Due to hubby's busy schedule I had to reschedule my appointment with the doctor. No worries, its next Monday the 13th. I want to thank everyone who wrote me about an earlier post (the WLS one). WLS has ocurred to me, but like I said, I didn't think my insurance would cover it. I've done more research and found out that just my BMI qualifies me for a second look. Now Im worried that my doctor will just shoot me down when I bring it up. Is that silly? I've been reading about how some doctors do the "just stop stuffing your face" lecture when this is brought up.

I have been morbidly obese for 13 years now. I realized the other day that I have lost and regained the same twenty pounds in the last ten years. Then I have lost and regained the same thirty pounds in the last 5 years. And now I have an additional 12 on top of that. I'm beyond overwhelmed and frustrated at this point.

I told my husband that I didnt think I had any comorbidities, but he offered a few I hadn't thought about. Chronic back pain, my sleep apnea, my cholesterol was in the high range but not yet passed into the unhealthy range and joint stiffness and pain. I had assumed those were 'normal', I guess because they have become such a part of my daily life that I didn't even consider them.

Then it hit me last night... I am about to turn 35. My uncle developed heart disease in his thirties (he was not obese). My father developed his heart conditions in his early 40s. My father is in great shape and always has been. So I was sitting there playing with Logan and I had this awful thought that one day I could just be living life and drop dead of a heart attack in ten years.

Im going to do it and talk to my doctor about WLS. I did not know it was an option for me until after following Robyn's links. I will do whatever program they want me to do, I just want to make sure I know all my options. My husband is behind me 110% of course. I am not going to say anything to my parents or sister...its just too soon.

Its funny, I said I wouldn't care what people think, but I do. And now I can understand why Robyn felt she had to keep it to herself.

We've been getting out more now that we are all feeling better. Hubby is still working tons. In fact, its 3am and he is working right now, qualifying people at the gun range while getting ready for the inspection this week. I dont expect him home until 6am. Then he naps for a couple hours and goes back to work to meet the Major and get their audit ready. I hope he is done by 6pm so we can watch the Superbowl together. His Steelers made it into the Bowl, but I was raised to HATE HATE HATE the Steelers, so Im rooting for the Seahawks.

I have four hearts on my calender. I give myself a heart (its a sticker) for each day I either exercise or stay within my caloric limits. The night after walking the mile, my right foot hurt like the dickens. So I've only walked a quarter mile on Friday and Saturday. It is not hurting so much tonight, so Sunday afternoon I will leave Logan with his daddy and see if I can do a slow mile. I really, really need a new pair of shoes, but it has to wait. We just have too many bills. The shoes I have are three years old. No joke. I will wear my shoes into the ground before I replace them. These shoes were also only $12.

Hubby still plans on getting me the gym membership this summer. Im really excited about it. It will just be a challange for me to leave Logan with a stranger, even if Im just a few hundred feet away.

I'd better head to bed. Logan is beginning to go to bed at a 'normal' hour and I was able to play some Planetside tonight for an hour and a half! Still, I stayed up way too late. Time to start making sure I get a proper amount of sleep.

I don't want to be an Olsen Twin, a Lohan, or God Forbid, the barbie Hilton. God blessed me with an hourglass shape, which hasn't been seen in decades. The one woman I like to use as an inspiration (for body image, anyway) is Marilyn Monroe.

Unlike Elizabeth Hurley who told an audience she would kill herself if she was as 'fat' as Marilyn Monroe, I'd be thrilled to orgasmic proportions to even get close.

Little factoid on Marilyn- ' "What were Marilyn's "stats"?

Marilyn's size fluctuated during her lifetime, but her measurements are most commonly given in the range of 36-24-34 to 38-23-36. (bust-waist-hips). Marilyn was 5' 5 and 1/2" tall and weighed 117 pounds when she died, according to the coroner's report. She wore a size 7 to 7 1/2 shoe. Her eyes were cornflower blue and her natural hair colour was reddish-brown." '

My goal is to one day see 115 again. I looked fabulous then, very curvy in all the right places. Being as petite as I was, the curves didn't detract at all, in fact I gained a lot of attention because of them.

So when I think, 'sexy mama', Im thinking curves, not skeleton.

Last night I walked a half mile.

This afternoon I bundled up baby and got the rickety stroller we were given and headed out in the sunshine for a walk. Logan fell asleep.

I walked a mile.

I'm very happy with myself right now.

**Added later-- I forgot to mention that I have indeed made an appointment with a doctor to get a physical and discuss my obesity. I used that as my reason for the appointment and as soon as the word obesity came out of my mouth the male appointment taker kinda stuttered. Maybe he isn't used to woman using that word so bluntly? Appointment is on February 8 at 10am.

I will be adding all the blogs I read tomorrow. I'm off to go take my walk!

Project Sexy Mama is in effect!

New blog look going up. If things get wonky, just check back later.

I know that right now WLS is not for me. Like I said, I have not done enough to earn the right to ask for help that way. Robyn definately has worked hard and struggled. I can't say that at all. Been thinking aobut it all morning and I know in my gut that I can't follow that path. I will have to bust my ass first.

Im so bored with my blogger template. But I dont know if I change it if I will lose all my comments and such by changing it to something else. I think I'll browse around for templates...I have an idea for one, maybe I can find something close.

Its February 1st. I've weighed in. I put baby down for his nap and I worked out. I did Dance Dance Revolution. Wow, I suck at it. Atleast I moved. I get a pretty pink heart on my calendar now!

Website name will be changing very, very soon. My daughter likes the idea (it made her giggle). I just need to work on that template when I can.

Out and about at Sears with Daddy, Mommy, and sister.

Logan finally wore shoes today. Usually its just socks, but I saw this pair at the Navy Exchange for $4.95 and said, "What the hell."

The wonderful Bitchypoo, aka Robyn, today exposed a secret she's been hiding for a long time. She went through WLS (weight loss surgery) this morning and is back home this evening. To me, this surgery is such a life-altering great big deal that I was just shocked that she hadn't told her readers about it! It would have KILLED me not to say anything.

Anyhoo, I left a comment for her telling her that if my military insurance would cover it, I would have looked into it as well and to hell with anyone who would decide to judge me for it. I even mentioned it to hubby, because he has brought WLS up a couple times in the last few months. He was out of it when I brought it up, so he didn't really respond. Tonight was his only night off this week, so I didn't bother him and let him veg out on the couch.

Reading about Robyn's struggle was actually helpful for me today because my pre-February weigh in decided to bitch slap me. I weighed in this morning at 243 pounds. I was shocked. Mortified. How did I gain five pounds overnight? This puts me at just five pounds under my top pregnancy weight! I honestly felt like crying, but I didn't. It just meant I had to really *SEE* that number.

On a lark I went to the Obesityhelp.com website that Robyn mentioned and saw that they had a list of Insurance companies that users were able to get approval from.

My insurance company is on there. The people who used it are all military spouses.

Im sitting here kind of stunned. It never ocurred to me that our medical insurance would cover that. Not only that, but a few apparantly also got help with follow up cosmetic procedures (skin removal, etc.).

The thing is... I don't believe I have any comorbidities that would make this surgury medically necessary. I really don't know, but I was pretty healthy for my pregnancy.

I now weigh 243 pounds and I only stand 4' 11.5" tall. My BMI is 48.3.

I dunno...I think in my case, I haven't done enough yet to have earned the right to ask for medical help. And GOD, the nutritionist at Boone is frickin' annoying. I have a major dislike for her.

Ok, maybe I should shelve these thoughts for at least until June.

I know that Im just worried I can't lose this extra weight and the thirty pounds I lost before. I have to stop the negative tapes in my head!

In better news: Logan is getting his top tooth! Lots of finger chewing going on here!