You must see this to believe it.

Happy in his new high chair. We bought it Wednesday night. He really is enjoying the view.
He wants to feed himself, so I let him. I'm on the lookout for shorter spoons with a wider shape.
Reaction to bananas. Just a few more tastes and he was grabbing the dish out of my hand and getting it himself.
The first 25 pound turkey I cooked on Thanksgiving. The second one, also 25 pounds, we cooked later and delivered to the base precinct for the cops to eat (most live in barracks and are single).
Logan laughs at his sister as he scoots towards her. He is really trying to get a hold of the camera.

I hope your Thanksgiving was as enjoyable as ours. Aside from my hip getting worse (calling on Monday for the doctor), we spent time as a family and laughed a lot. We watched the War of the Worlds (I thought it was better than I expected) and the Dallas game. Hubby got his Yule gift early and bought a Playstation 2 and SOCOM 3. So when the baby naps we jump on and play our own game. Its relaxing for both of us.

How about that Husker game!? Yeehaw!

Happiest Boy On Earth.

This morning I had a chat with hubby and we've decided to help out a woman on the Marriage Builders boards. Im hoping to be able to send her some cash, some clothes for her kids (she has 5, the youngest is 9months), and a gift card for her tot ake her and the kids out for dinner. Her wondering spouse has left her family in quite a bit of distress, and I just can't bear the thought of her kids not having any good surprises this year.

When I was 18 and living alone with my son (23 months old) in my own apartment, I was completely broke. I paid my bills, since I cleaned houses full-time, but there was nothing at all left over. My parents sent a couple gifts and I know my best friend and her family gave us a couple as well. I just could not get into the holiday spirit, though. My son's father (yes, Im married to him now) had ditched us after leaving for the Corps and my family and friends no longer lived in my city.

A neighbor gave my name to her church. The night before Christmas, I HUGE bag of wrapped toys & clothes was delivered to our home. I cried in front of the fireman who delivered it. I think it embarrassed him and made him feel good at the same time. I will never forget him handing over a gift certificate for groceries at Albertson's- a store I could not afford to shop at-- so that I could buy a Christmas dinner. That year was the first time I ever cooked a turkey and I was so proud of myself and so thankful to that church. They knew I wasn't a Christian and they didnt care. They didnt expect anything from me. They just wanted to give a poor family a nice holiday.

A few years ago, after hubby got out of the military, he had a horrible time holding a job. He worked two jobs at a time and we still couldnt make ends meet. My long time readers know all about this. I had two kids, no job of my own, one car, and a husband who was stressed out. Our marriage was extremely tense at this time (of course, I was not aware of an innaproprioate relationship he was fostering at that time).

In 2001, online friends knew I was going to food banks for groceries and that we were on the verge of being evicted. My parents came through with two months of rent, but I still was anxious about the winter. My children had no jackets and I couldnt find any that fit at the salvation army. We were eating pasta every day, twice a day. Top Ramen was a staple in our house. We had a futon mattress to sleep on, my kids slept on matrasses on the floor, we had a couch, a chair (salvation army finds) and a television. With the computer sitting on the floor, that was ALL we had in our 2 bedroom apartment.

A gay couple I had conversed with for a couple years sent a couple hundred dollars thorugh Western Union. I was able to stretch that money for almost a month. I was so thankful that I swore to them Id pass their kindness on. One of my daughter's teachers contacted a local organization and they gave my children new winter jackets and new jeans, right before the first heavy snowfll of the year. Right afterwards, hubby found out the Navy would reenlist him, and after he left for that, I was able to get a part time job at Arby's because I now had our car to use. We made it through until his first paycheck right before Christmas.

I have been the recipient of charity, kindness, and loving thoughtfulness. This year, my family is going to reach out and give it back.

Sometimes Forum Fundies Irritate the Hell Outta Me

Been hanging out a bit more on the Marriage Builders forums again. I do not know why I allow myself to get sucked back in. There are a few posters that I absolutely adore and then there are the ones who come off as so arrogant (usually wielding scripture) and obnoxious that I tell myself I won't ever go back again. I also find I start rooting for certain posters, then realize they really aren't listening to anyone's advice, and my frustration level soars. Add in commentary about non-believers or non-traditional family groups, and Im so ready to take a lightsaber to the whole lot of 'em.

It starts out innocently. I watch 2 or 3 people as they post about their experiences. Then I get involved. Then I start straying into other forum threads and make a comment or two on that one. Of course, there are always those that love to debate opinions, and that type of situation just irks the hell out of me. I used to enjoy it, a long time ago, but now I just do not have the patience for it. I should just stay away from threads I know are going to raise my blood pressure.

Logan has a well-baby check up tomorrow and of course that includes his next course of shots. I need to get to bed so I can get 6 hours of sleep. Logan's schedule is going haywire again. I think that he has so much fun now that he can't bear to miss anything, so he tries to stay awake as long as possible. Right now I call him 'Mr. McGrabby Hands' because if he sees something he wants, he goes after it. He will literally try to push with his little legs to vault himself over your body to get something. He has begun the "Uuuhn uhhnn uhhnn" whine when he can't quite reach something or if Im saying "No No" to grabbing his hearts desire and attempting to distract him with something else.

Weight loss and fitness...what's that? I am so exhausted and harried playing and caring for Logan that as soon as I have downtime I either vegetate reading or I catch a quick powernap with the baby. I am definately not a super mom. I really had forgotten how intense it is the first year.

I did read an article in a health magazine that women really should put thoughts of complete fitness and weightloss off until after 6 months post partum. They said it just adds additional pressure (probably that super mom guilt) and as long as your eating ok most of the time to not rush it.

Honestly, I just can't find the energy right now. I start out great in the mornings... then its just gone.

So, going to work on not feeling guilty about not being completely back in the saddle and just focus on the little things. No midnight snacks, choosing well for meals, and watching portions.

He thinks his sister is hilarious. Of course it helped I was making the "Revenge of the Nerds' laugh in the background.

I'm alive!

And the baby's hiney is so much better! No more nekkid booty scooting around the house, although he still managed to pee on me yesterday while I was changing his diaper. Wicked little boy!

Right now he has hold of the puppy's tail and is laughing. Shadow just licks Logan's head and lets him pull on his hair.

I'm feeling good today. Positive. Ready to get on with the business of losing this weight. Renee wrote a post recently about sort of liking being overweight. And I had to agree. For one, its easier to maintain. And there is sort of a comfort from knowing how the outside world will deal with you. There aren't many surprises that way. For me, the laziness factor is huge. I struggle with procrastination every day. I'll talk about that more later.

Slowly finding old journals I read. If I had my old harddrive installed in this compuer, I wouldnt have such a problem. Not in a hurry to do it though.

Hubby and I have been talking a lot about how to decorate the house and we are both agreeing (miracle!) with some choices I made. I am really looking forward to December and January when things start coming together.

He's still working 90 hours a week. Its so hard to argue this point with him right now as I see us paying off old loans and being able to buy new things for our home. He increased our income by $1800 a month if anyone wants to know if its worth it. If he's able to just get through til the end of December, we're frickin set. With the tax return, we're paying off even more, and it creates a $600 a month surplus for us. For a military family, that's a heck of a lot of extra money. He wants to continue to work beyond January. Im leaving that up to him. He's a freaking workaholic. Its hard to bitch about that when I watch these documentaries on the poor.

Honestly, he is damned proud of himself right now. He's being the provider and he's actually been getting positive feedback from BOTH my parents about how hard he works. Considering they pretty much hate his guts, its a huge thing between the three of them. I know its part of his drive, to make amends for all the mistakes. I just worry about his health. Right now, he's happy to do it. So if he wants to keep this up for a few more weeks- more power to him.

< - insert showing at prom night joke here - >

I've done four loads of laundry today. I think Im going to have lots more this week while we get rid of this poor baby's diaper rash.

I just love his tiny hiney.

Im so thrilled-- Logan can now roll from fromt to back and from back to front whenever he wants! He started doing it last night around 9:30pm and I watched him roll from his back to front four times in a row (Id put him back on his tummy to see if he;d do it again). And all this morning, he's been playing on his gym mat, rolling back and forth and scooting around on it.

I've also got him butt naked, trying to give his rash air time. I think its the only way Im going to be able to really get rid of it. I might improvise a diaper with the butt cut out. The problem is he;s developed a bad one on the bottom of his scrotum-- and I've been using these diapers a friend gave me. They're made for AAFES, the military's department store. I think his skin doesnt like it. SO I went and got the Huggies Supreme but left it in the car last night and its at work with hubby. Sometimes Im a real flake.

He seems very happy nekkid though.

Wish they'd stop pointing that weird silver thing at me.

Uncomfortable situation today and its my fault. Watched Oprah's show with Kirstie Alley as the guest. Hubby watched with me. They had these cutouts of what Kirstie looked like October 2004. She claims she weighed just 203 when they were taken. ((I think she's lying and Im not the only one) I commented to hubby, "I don't think I look that like." He was veeeerrrry quiet. I asked him if I actually do look like that. And he grimaced and shook his head yeah. He also looked like he was cringing a little, like I might pick up something and throw it at him.

Its one of those situations where you *know* you look bad, but you gloss over it and let your mind trick you by saying, "Well, Im solid, I don't jiggle when I walk. Well, not everywhere, anyway. HEY! Big butts and boobs are in!" I've been doing that for a loooong time now. When I dream, this isn't what I look like. And I know I carry that over in 'real life'- keeping that false picture of myself up so I can't see the truth of the situation. Because who wants to know you do NOT look the way you want to.

A lot of people say its about fitness when they want to lose weight. That's all well and good, and Im sure that for some its the truth. I do know that a good portion of us (overweight & obese people) aren't motivated to do anything until we realize what we look like.

I am no longer afraid to say that a major part of me is motivated by vanity. Fitness is a side benefit. I do not feel I need to apologize for that. I've been mooed at, laughed at, stared at, and cursed at by total strangers. My mother told me in 1991 that looking at me made her want to vomit. I weighed 165 pounds then. My husband told me in 1992, right after we were married, that at least he didnt have to worry about me having an affair. You know, because I was too overweight to attract any attention. I weighed 155 then. It really is no wonder that my self image and self esteem were in the toilet. Add the financial situation, my own struggle with previous sexual abuse, his affairs... its no wonder that food would be my medication.

I know we are finally in a solid recovery and I was GLAD that he was able to answer me truthfully today, even if I didn't like the answer. If he had said "No, you don't look like that." I wouldn't have believed him anyway. I knew the truth. I think I needed him to step up and answer me with honesty. And he did. I needed someone to say, "You aren't looking so good, but I love you anyway."

I brought up being in recovery because I was surprised the other day when trying to come up with a list of weightloss motivators. I was thinking it, but afraid to write it down. Because it seemed so petty, so un-marriage building like, and oh-so-not mature. So under these:
1. To be able to play with my son when he starts walking.
2. To be able to ride the rollercoasters and rides at Busch Gardens.
3. To be able to wear whatever style of clothes I want to.

I wrote:
4. To be the sexy wife and have my husband squirm for a change.

And ya know what? Its the truth. Its an enormous reason for me. Like 50% of my drive.

And damned if I'll apologize for that either!

We are the bestest, bestest of friends.

Logan did not have a yeast infection. It was a common diaper rash, but she gave me some nice creme anyway.

Child proofing of the home has begun. I now have to vacuum once a day and for a slacker like me, that's a big deal. I just now had to grab a nut off the floor before Logan scooted to it. My puppy keeps dragging them in from outside. I've also started unpacking the rest of the boxes still in teh garage and moving furniture so I can set up Logan's play area. It will be right next to my computer desk. So, eventually, while he plays I can get some uhhh...research done.

EverQuest 2 is fun so far. I'm so glad to be able to roleplay a couple hours a day now. Must have some type of geeky activity to be happy!

Dancing for exercise. Just don't tell anyone.

Houston, we have a baby on the move. And that blotch is a shadow, not a stain! I swear!

Hubby went and took out a very small, very short term loan and purchased us (read:me) a new computer and video card on Monday. The loan will be completely paid off on November 18th. Sorry I didnt check in, but I allowed myself to get sucked into EverQuest 2 the last couple nights. My son had bought EQ2 for me the same day my computer crapped out and I had tried it on his computer. I like my new computer so far. Its not super fast, but with the new video card, my gameplay is smooth. The gig of RAM I had in my old computer was usable in this one, so I have 1.25 gigs of RAM on board. THe new video card is an ATI Radeon x700 PRO. No issues so far, other then a couple graphics glitches I saw last night after three hours of play. Could be heat related, so Im taking a fan off the old computer and installing it on this one until I can purchase a PCI fan.

I weighed in at 230lbs, loss of 2 pounds in 3 weeks! YAY ME!

Think my son has a yeast infection, I freaked out when I saw it. Called this morning and he has an appointment for tomorrow at 10:30am. I had no clue, I thought he had a normal diaper rash, so I was alternating Boudreaux's Butt Paste and Aveeno's fragrance free diaper rash ointment. Last night I took a bath with Logan (it was fun!) and afterwards, I checked him out under our bedroom lighting (the lighting in our livingroom/computer area is poor right now) and he had what looked like a small rash of whitehead pimples. Like I said, I freaked and felt like a bad mom. But I know this happens to almost everyone, so Im trying to keep the guilt to a minimum.

Logan is a very happy baby. If I hadnt looked at him to check that rash, I would have never known it was any worse, he doesnt cry or fuss much other than from boredom or frustration. I have been super lucky with him. His new bedtime? 9 - 9:30pm. He sleeps until 7:30am now. Frickin' awesome! I'm so happy with this, it makes me all a twitter.

Logan is on the move now. He slowly scoots his way several feet, although he really isnt aware he is going anywhere. Well, it doesn't seem like he has a destination in mind, really. He also is rolling over, sometimes on purpose, and its making his independent play time a little longer. My home looks better and better with each day.

Im still waiting for my cycle to start. They said they will put me on a medication if it doesn't start up again soon. I just want to want to have sex again. Im hoping with my cycle getting back on track, my hormone levels will return to normal and I will actually *want* to have sex. And not have to use a lubricant. Geez.