This is a disgusting move by the Republican National Committee and approved by Bush and Cheney. I'm appalled but not surprised.

I worked from 12:45pm to 9pm today and made $60 in tips.

Still waiting for my cycle to start. If it begins tomorrow, guess I am on a 32 day cycle now. Who knows. Still a little nauseous every so often. But I feel like I am coming down with hubby's cold, so it could easily be that.

Picking up Dawn of the Dead tomorrow. Meant to get it this evening, but I was just wanting to get home when they released me from work.

Was checking the history in Internet Explorer and I had to laugh when I saw that hubby has been researching houses in Lincoln. He knows that I'd love to retire there. I just love that city. And if Im lucky, a few of my friends would still be living there. And the areas he looked at had gorgeous houses. Its so nice to dream.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Halloween!

Worked Friday night. It sucked big time as I have been feeling nauseous for a day and a half now. Hubby is coming down with a cold and Im worried he is giving it to me.

I've had a bit of insomnia lately and the puppy isn't helping ith it. The last couple of nights he has come in at 3-4am looking for attention, we put him on the bed then he licks me to death or makes so much noise licking himself that Im forced to get up with him for a bit. He's adorable anyway.

I wish the nausea would go away. I do not normally get sick to my stomach before my period (which hasn't shown up yet), but considering this will be my second period after not being on the pill, I wouldnt be surprised that my body is a littl whacked out. I expect my cycle to show up today. It is possible it has switched to a 32 day cycle, although I have always been a 28 day-er.

No, I do not believe I am pregnant. I don't think we had enough sex in October, though I did lose track of when we did, but doubt it, seriously. I think we had sex like 4 or 5 times, until this week when we kinda ramped it up a bit, but that's way past ovulation. I think. really, a woman has like a 25% chance to get pregnant each month so I doubt seriously we'd hit the lottery in the first month without us even really trying.

The nausea is pretty mild, just uncomfortable. I broke out just like I normally do before a period and my breasts got sore, hell, they still are sore, especially my nipples this time around, which is unusual. So all signs point to the cycle starting any moment.

Gah, now I know why women who are trying to conceive go a little nuts each month... that little spark of hope drives you up the wall, even when you know logically its not going to happen.

Aunt Flow is on her way, I just have to be patient and stop letting myself get swept up in baby dreams.

I have had three good days with the food. Yay me.

Cycle didn't start today, so I suspect it will begin tomorrow. I picked up my birth control pills this afternoon so I can start them on Sunday, once the cycle begins anyway. My skin will thank me, since I seem to be having very small (thank God) breakouts and oily patches. I rarely breakout with the pill.

I worked both Wednesday and this evening and still have tomorrow and Saturday. I am definately looking forward to Sunday and the Halloween madness. At least I can just totally relax and have fun. I did make $54 the last two days, so its good to get a bit of a start on my savings. Every little bit helps. Tonight I was supposed to just cover a bit over 2 hours for the rush and ended up working 5 hours. *sigh* If this continues I will definately have worked 40 hours by Saturday night.

Hubby has been making sure I am not sexually frustrated at the expense of his beauty sleep. Many thanks to him. Is it wrong of me to giggle wickedly when I see him coming in from work very tired and I realize *I* did that to him? He laughs about it and doesn;t complain, but he does make sure to take naps now after he gets home. you know, just in case I decide I need more lovin'.

I'm frustrated about my weight and having to put off having the baby, but I know logically that its the right decision. A healthy pregnancy is good motivation. Since whatever had me so jazzed last year seems to have petered out. Maybe I do not feel as desperate as I did then? That I know my husband isn;t going to disappear on me any time soon because of my weight? Hrrrm....

I'll be heading with the kids to my parent's home in Kentucky for Thanksgiving. My grandmother has agreed to visit them for the holiday and I can't pass up a chance to see her. So any extra money I can make at work I get to take and spend on the kids and me during the trip. So that's a good way to keep me gritting my teeth if Im over scheduled.


Getting ready to change my clothes and hop in the MINI to take some of my tips and deposit them at the ATM. First i will dash to the ATM and grab a deposit slip and then run to my car. Lock myself in. Fill out the slip. Look EVERYWHERE for a villain then dash back to the ATM and do the transaction, the whole time hyper aware of what's going on around me. Because we all know there are armies of ATM thugs just waiting to hit dumb people like me who go at midnight. Then after being successful, I will dash back to the car, lock myself in and yelp "Take that fuckers!"

Just got off the phone with hubby.

The last few days I have woken up with numb hands, because sleeping with my arms bent in any fashion is cutting off circulation. It has gotten to the point that even holding up a cell phone is uncomfortable and my fingers tingle and my arm aches. My body is screaming for attention and blaring these warning signs to get me serious and focused.

So what better way to focus on getting healthier than planning for a pregnancy?

I called him this morning after posting because while typing I could feel the tips of my fingers tingling. This just isn't good and adding an addition 15-20 (ideal) pounds on during a pregnancy is going to make it worse. If I lost control and added thirty pounds, like I did with both of my earlier pregnancies, weight I have never been able to take off, I would be hitting almost 250 pounds and staring diabetes right down its gullet.

I can't do that to myself or my family. We need a healthy mom and peppy wife. I need to listen to my body and right now its saying it can't handle weight over 208 pounds (since that is the weight where my body starts freaking out). I am actually comfortable anywhere between 190-205, but when I creep beyond that, my body starts whining (as it should).

So during the phone call I asked him if it would be ok if I went back on the birth control while I could work on dropping, at the very least, thirty pounds. He told me that the other day he started wondering about my health and the risks when I was complaining about feeling uncomfortable and fatigued. He'd really noticed the weight gain just recently- and mostly because he has also gained an additional 15 pounds right along with me since we got here in April. So we are both out of shape and sick of it.

I told him I needed help and asked if he would sit and work on an eating and fitness plan along with me and he was enthusiastic. I am sad that I weighed in this morning at 217.5. Good Lord. Yeah, two pounds is probably water weight from the massive amounts of salt I had last night ( we snacked on chips and salsa just a few hours before bed) and water weight from my cycle due on Thursday.

Anyway, its way more than I ever wanted to be again and Im heeding the warnings my body is giving me.

So, I know I am trying to lose weight just to gain it again during a pregnancy, but it will be a MUCH healthier pregnancy than if I were to get pregnant now and carry an additional burden of twenty-thirty pounds. So, that's the new plan. Calling in my birth control prescription right now and picking it up tomorrow. Will be back on this Sunday, most likely since I'm set to start Thursday.

Wish us luck. :)

Saturday I worked a twelve hour shift and on Sunday I dragged through a nine hour one. Monday I worked six hours though I was scheduled for four. And that is so freaking aggravating to me-- being given a schedule and *knowing* I have to add an addition one and a half to two hours on to it because of the freaking management. They don't run a tight ship, they are understaffed and it doesn't appear to be changing any time soon. I am literally gritting my teeth this morning because I know its going to most likely happen again some time this week, although I do hold out a little hope since the store manager who continues to do this to me is on vacation as of this morning. Today starts the evening shifts of the one manager who actually tries to let people go on or before their shift is scheduled to end.

Oh, and the store manager had promised me that Id work more days so I can spend the evenings with the kids and hubby. Not happening for the next two weeks. Only one day do I go in this week (and Im working nine days in a row) at 11, but I don't leave until after rush hours, which is *scheduled* for 8pm, but almost ALWAYS ends up with me leaving more around 9:30pm. So, whenever I am handed my schedule that says I am supposed to work 30 hours (like for this week), I *always* add at least six additional hours to it. ALWAYS. And I am usually right.

And its aggravating. I tried to talk to the store manager last night about it, but I do not think she wa hearing me at all. I was planning on working up to March 6, but I am so irritated today I can't see it lasting that long. I had those two weeks when she scheduled me exactly as she had promised and I absolutely loved it. Then as soon as she knew I was no longer in class, its like she thought it gave her the right to schedule me whenever she pleased.

She kept pointing at that whenever I am scheduled for rushes, I make more tips. That isn't the bloody point! Now I'm just trying to tell myself that the more rushes I get, the more money I will make and the faster I will pay my UNL bill off. Because after that puppy is paid for I have no need whatsoever to work there and I will WALK THE FUCK OUT.

ahhhh, venting is good.

Calories the last couple days have been more manageable, but still higher than I'd like, but Im getting there. I am much more of an emotional eater than I care to admit...

Cycle due for Thursday.

I'm feeling a bit out of control so Im going to concentrate on getting my calories back in order. Especially since I know I can lose by simply following my old plan. Friday night I did really well while at work. I had 1585 calories for the day.

I work every day for the next week until next Sunday. Oy. Two coworkers are having issues so Im covering for them. I will probably be tearing out my hair by the end of the week. Today I work an 11 hour shift. *sigh* Ah well, if I follow my budget I will be able to pay those college bills off and still ahve money to spend. whee.

Waiting for my cycle to start in about 5 days. Will try again in November. We're back into our old sex groove, so all's good.

Did I mention hubby gave up his second job? He is home a lot more and we are all enjoying it. He's also begun teaching a few things at work and that makes him very happy. He may get the position he wants some time after April. Here's hoping!

No exercise today- child with fever at home and my own aching and fatigued body just did not help the motivation.

Noticed that my face is once again threatening me with a double chin. I made a joking, biting comment about it at work and of course my buddy Sal said I was crazy, but I see it peeking at me...

After everyone crashed tonight I sat alone watching Wife Swap then Daily Show and now I'm watching Scarface. After the Daily Show I was idly looking through the channels and I started wondering what was going on with me *really*. My eating is out of control...why have I allowed myself to gain back so much weight when I was so thrilled with the progress I made in 2003?

Because my mental health was more important this time around. I guess I am one of those people who really can;t multitask the important things.

2004 has been a year of a lot of growth for us. So it wasn't a waste. I just wish that physically, I could have at least maintained the gains I had made.

Saturday and Sunday's exercise was not on the treadmill. It was walking around stores with hubby and kids and then working my tail off on a payday weekend. Saturday I climbed six flights of stairs (yeah, I thought I'd have a coronary) and was on my feet a lot. I also volunteered to sweep the floors, because I knew it required more effort than washing dishes or folding pizza boxes. So I got in some exercise and managed to not eat in the middle of the night like a crazy woman.

Due to grandpa's death and crazy work schedules between hubby and me, we didn't have as much sex as we normally do. Just once a week so far...and that left me highly frustrated. Not because it lowered the chances of getting pregnant but because I am used to 3-4 times a week... I felt totally out of sorts and I finally figured out why today. So hubby and I promptly took care of that itch this evening. I fully expect to see Aunt Flow on the 28th. Its ok, though, that just gives me more time to work on my fitness.

I am off tomorrow so i will be walking and housecleaning tomorrow. I may even take my puppy for a jaunt around the nieghborhood if I can bear to walk without music. *dramatic sigh*

Did ya know that last week was the year 'anniversary' of the last great betrayal? It passed and it wasn't until about the 11th that I realized it had come and gone and I hadn't noticed. I think it says a lot about how far we've come.

Being able to watch Desperate Housewives also says a lot. Watching the show doesn't make me want to puke, like it would have several months ago. I can actually watch movies where infidelity is dealt with and I don't have a panic attack. Yay me.

The show I really enjoy though? Boston Legal. James Spader's smarmy, cocky attorney cracks my shit up. "And I am such a slut for authority."

*snort*

I took a nap between 7 and 9:30pm with hubby (he has to teach a late class this weekend) and got up and did my essay for the final test (which I will ace, I know for a fact!) and then did my walk on the treadmill. YAy me! I just now finished and Im all sweaty...I forgot what the endorphins felt like. I had to walk through a stitch in my side, but I did it. I even managed to do 1/4 of a mile at 3mph. My time was 41:16 minutes with 1.75 miles logged. My lugs burned a bit, too. Oh, walk was done at a 3 incline.

Calories sucked for the day- we had a pizza party with my kids inviting each a kid to stay the night. Much fun and munchies had by all.

But I did exercise for the day!

77 days to go.

Today is a new day. I'm re-instituting some plans and moving forward with them.

Like buying a box of my lemonade to store in my restaurant's cooler so I do not drink the soda there.

Moving my treadmill into my home and setting it up so that I can use my computer for my music.

Calorie counting starts again today. 1600 just like the nutritionist advised me.

Increasing my work hours so I can pay my college debt and go to school full-time in January. I may even keep my job and work twenty hours a week while going to school full-time. We will see.

Making myself accountable for what I do instead of whining.

Asking my family for help- again-.... over and over if I have to.

I want very much to at least be 200 pounds by December 31st...so that a pregnancy is more comfortable for me. I was told it was ok to still workout and watch calories in the first couple months of a pregnancy because the fetus is still developing and not trying to put on layers of nice baby fat. So seeing 200 by the end of the year, even if Im a month pregnant or something, is still ok and reasonable. After that, though, I have to start allowing for gaining weight.

I'm feeling more positive this morning than I have for the last few months.

78 days to a fitter me. My goal is to exercise for at least twenty minutes every day.

Ok, ok..something must be done. I am completely losing this battle and its not because my enemy is more powerful or sneakier than me. Its because I'm totally self-destructing...I'm just laying down in the path of the Obese Life and doing nothing to stop it from running me down. I'm whining and pathetic and I know it while I am doing it.

Been reading a journal that I think could easily be labelled a trainwreck and it hit me that Im not that differant from this young girl who has been participating in her own destruction and then posting and crying about how *unfair* life is because...well, karma's a bitch and it just smacked her shit up, finally. I've been doing the exact fucking same thing in my own life with my weight 'problem.' Well, the only real problem I have is I have been doing absolutely NOTHING to get to goal since about June- which of course coincides with our purchase of my wonderful beautiful MINI. I went through my archives and that is definately when my fitness level petered out.

I need to get a frellin' grip.
Oh, yeah, I've been watching Farscape...

I'm now sitting at 215. I've gained back almost half of what I lost in 2003. Extremely frustrating and I have no one to blame but myself.

Today I am going to just work on not eating after 8pm. I've been eating a big bowl of oatmeal right before bed between eleven and 1am! Why am I craving oatmeal?
Craziness.

Work is ok. Though one of the guys that gets on my nerves made an anti-Semetic comment to me when I explained our family's religious beliefs. Then proceeded to 'jokingly' call me Christ killer. Later on he exclaimed, "jesus!" To which I responded, "Damn, let the dead man rest." Oh, he didn't like that at all... but I got a kick out of him saying, "What did you say? No, really, what did you say?"

The guy is an ass. I guess that's why I said something so mean... I'd normally keep that thought to myself.

Next Tuesday I see about a new class. If I don't take a class I may tell my boss to give me an additional ten hours on my schedule and just work for a quarter so I can pay off that college debt and buy myself something.

I really need to start going to temple. I do not know why I keep chickening out. I'm sure the synogagues are very nice here.

*la sigh*
My restaurant called me yesterday and, as expected, the boss made me feel so guilty for wanting to quit (quote: "Why are you doing this to meeeeeee?") that I told her to put me on the schedule for next week. I know, I know, I am a big wuss. All the new people she hired before I found out about my grandfather are already gone. It took less than a aweek for them to leave. Gee, I wonder why....

So I told myself at least this weekend I'd have some extra money, could end up buying that mp3 player sooner than I thought....yada yada yada. So I will grit my teeth a little longer and just keep telling myself "I'm putting myself through another quarter of school." So the plan is to work, pay for my next quarter's class, and save $150 for a new mp3 player and an adapter so I can play it in my car. I can still quit the day before my anniversary in December if I want to... and I certainly will if I can get myself in as a full-time student for January. Though, in truth, working twenty hours a week probably wouldn't be that difficult considering my supervisor during the day doesn't care that I study during my shift. She spends the whole day on the phone, so she ignores me breaking the rules since she's doing it, too.

Ok, I'm off to class...it starts at 8am. I am turning in my essay (it rocks) and picking up the Final's notes. I've got an A- so far.

Forgot to mention that the couple based on me and hubby (even had my kids help me get them to look like us) in my Sims2 game got married, had a rousing succes party then promptly got pregnant and had TWINS. A boy and a girl. What luck!

Watched the documentary and will watch it again with hubby when he has the time.

I am quitting my delivery job. Finally. Hubby had been making noises about me quitting a job I obviously do not enjoy, but I kept trying to hang in there because I was worried people would say, "Look, she gave up just like I knew she would." So I have an appointment at PetSmart for a part-time position on the 11th, but before then Im going to put an application in for part-time positions with the school system. I will probably do that on Thursday. Tomorrow I finish my essay (hopefully).

Bought some healthy pregnancy magazines and walked a bit in a couple stores today. I think I managed around a mile. Its a start.

I'm going to be breastfeeding at first, but I will be using bottles as well and there is a new bottle designed to 'imitate' a nipple so that its easier to switch between the two. I was happy to find the exact bottle I was looking for at the local Kmart. I plan on stocking up on things as I go along. Most of my baby clothes will be bought at the local charity thrift stores, they have wonderful selections and who can argue with clothing marked $2? I think its insane to spend money on clothes that won't fit in less than two months, ya know? Besides, its charity, and it goes towards a children's hospital.

Today's calories were exactly 1800. Not a bad start to a new beginning at all. :)
I enjoyed two servings of cola...and two of my Minute Maid Lemonade and I can report I am completely hydrated. heh.

Will probably walk the dog tomorrow.

Have spent the entire weekend hiding out with hubby and the kids. Work still thinks I left town, so I have been keeping a really low profile. I am not in a rush to get back to work, since I've also taken this quiet time to catch up with the college course and work on my final essay. I'm doing one on the Trail of Tears this time around.

Hubby surprised me with a rose today. Out of the blue. So sweet.

Weight is still at 212. I finally found my Minute Maid Lemonade, so I stocked up. Will start counting calories on FitDay tomorrow.

I would like to drop at least 6 pounds this month. That is my goal.

Had another cycle begin on October 1st. Guess my body was readjusting now that Im no longer on the pill. Its over now, thank goodness. I noticed my cramps weren;t as bad as they usually are on the pill or with the IUD.

Taking Shadow for a grooming and picking up Farenhiet 9/11 tomorrow.

Very frustrated.

My grandmother figured out we were using all of our savings to drive down to Texas. It wasn't hard to figure out as I had happily told my mother just a few weeks ago that we had finally started to end payments on old bills and making new payments on others and had a small nest egg going. In the midst of her own grief my grandmother was feeling guilty over us trying to get to her!

My grandmother is a true southern lady and she was beside herself with worry that we were putting ourselves out. My mother calmed her down and gave me a very brief message from my grandma- "Make your own decision, but do the right thing." Then my father called. Then my sister called. And it was pretty much the same: "Don't come. We all love you and wish you could be here, but do NOT spend your savings trying to get here."

So we won't. And I'm sitting here vowing to get this savings going so that I can get where we need to go.

Off to get my daughter to school. Catching up on housework and school work and trying not to remember hearing my grandma crying.

I will be offline until next Friday.

My grandfather, who was a victim of Alzheimer's, died last night at 9pm central time. Hubby, our daughter, and I are headed to San Antonio for the funeral and support my grandmother.

Sweet dreams, dearest Elmer.