I'm happy. And when it hit me this evening, it was after watching the Sex and the City finale (yes! we got to see it). We sat and watched the farewell shows beforeh, then the finale and he changed the channel to watch The Practice and it just hit me- I'm happy.

No, its not jump-for-joy happy, nor scream-it-from-the-mountain happy. Its a contented happy- its been a long time coming it seems. I'm comfortable with my decisions, my actions, and my life. I do not believe I have ever had all those things be ok at the same time- I've always had something to whine about, worry over, or regret. Not today. Not now.

We spent the whole weekend together. We were comfortable and flirty. Simply good.

Today as we were driving back from the base after purchasing our groceries, I asked him if he was going to get frustrated if my weightloss didn't go as quickly as he'd like. I was presuming because of statements he had made a long time ago that he was still thinking the same way. Of course, my selective memory didn't take into account that he has apologized about being that way- and those apologies were made just last month. But I'm a bit thickheaded (haven't you noticed?) and I needed to hear it again, I guess. What he said and our subsequent discussion has totally shifted my focus for this year and I no longer feel so overwhelmed with all of it. (I'm paraphrasing some of it)

He said, "See, you are always putting too much pressure on yourself. I don't even look at it like that."

"But 75 pounds is a lot of weight to lose and sometimes its overwhelming. I worry I can't do it. And you'll resent me for it." I responded.

He grimaced a bit and shook his head. "I told you, when you get to the 150's ,140s, which I'd like- or 130s- that's your goal right?- I'm perfectly happy. That's a healthy and attractive weight."

I answered that I was going for 120.

He shook his head a little again. "You're the one that wants to get that low, that's not me. I don't even look at it the way you do. Yeah, 75 pounds is a lot, but when I think about it, I'm thinking that if you lose the same amount of weight you lost last year, you'll almost be in the 150's and I think that's totally cool."

"I only lost 35 pounds last year." (I always add or subtract the weight i've gained back, it depends on the mood Im in LOL)

"Thirty five pounds is a lot! That's all you should work towards this year. You'd be in the 150s right?"

"I'd weigh about 160 in December. Which is what I weighed when we got married. Ok, well, I weighed 167 when we married."

"And you dropped down to 155 and got stuck soon after that."

"Yeah."

"So what is so wrong with just making it to the 150s? And remember, you get to the 150s and you are almost to the weight required to go in the Navy if you wanted to."

There's nothing wrong with it at all. I'm so busy looking at the bigger picture - 75 whole pounds of it!- that I'm letting myself feel overwhelmed and helpless. Its just too big of a number.

35, however...not so big. I've done it before. And I didn't kill myself doing it, either. I've also allowed myself to get too caught up on dates... I wanna weigh this by this day...so when I don't make the goal by that day, I sink further and further into a negative feeling about myself and my abilities.

Sometimes I am amazed how I miss simple things like this. He pointed out his perspective- something I hadn't really done myself because I've been infatuated with the 75 pounds. I feel envy when I read another lady writing that she has 20 to lose. And I wished I could say the same.

So instead of saying, "I have 75 pounds to lose." I'm looking at myself and saying, "I have 35 pounds to lose and the countdown, however long it takes, begins today."

So, I have 35 pounds to lose. And when I lose a pound, its 34. Then a couple more and its 32 and oh, there's another pound gone, now its 31.... and I'll really be getting excited when it I start breaking into the 20s.

Just changing the number lifted the pressure. Just shifting my focus to the attainable goal from the long-range goal was exactly what I needed. Yeah, its still the same, really, but the perspective is differant and it feels right. It feels doable.

I made sure to thank him the best way I knew how. He's asleep now and I will be soon once Im finished writing in here and readjusting some things.

He keeps touching my ass. I thought I could see a differance, but I think the biggest thing is that my ass feels differant, too. There's a nice new curve to it, it looks higher then before and even my waist has a new curve to it. He keeps grabbing my ass and it just tickles me to death.

My kids, however, want to puke.

I'm going to learn Japanese, it looks like. Its the language I originally wanted to learn, but I took Spanish because I felt it would be easier and my gpa needed the help at the time.... I'm also going for the Sociology major. Its more challanging. I was opting for the English degree because it was something that interested me and I knew I could do it (translation: easy for me). I'm extremely interested in Sociology and I avoided it because I thought it would be too hard for me. Is that working my mojo? Hell no.

Now to decide whether to pursue English as the minor- or use Asian studies- which would help me with the Japanese and look great on a resume when I look for a job with the Department of Defense in Japan.

I'm actually getting very excited about the next three years. I was all ho-hum about finishing the degree because I had no clue what to do with it. Now, though, planning and scheming with hubby... I'm gaining a focus. And Im loving it.

Ok, re-adjusting some things, so if you see a differance, you'll know why.

Today he was called into work. Luckily, we had already done our pre-inspection (for the move). Unluckily, we had only about 4 hours of sleep. We had to get the kids to school and then right when we are settling down to nap until it was time for the inspectors- people got on our roof and started drilling....at 8am. *sigh* I got up and he did that Marine Corps thing, napping through the noise. His work called and asked him to come in. So we waited for the inspectors and after they left we went to Carmen's, a fabulous Mexican restaurant. Drove to get the pass for the car for the base, took him to work, checked in with his co-worker (who had called him in) and his boss- who responded "What are you doing here?" when he saw hubby. Let's just say his coworker didn't want to do something he could have done on his own and called hubby in. Then claims after we get there (remember its a half hour drive without traffic), that he was 'Just kidding." Grrr.

Hubby feels obligated to stay (of course), but first we head to MWR to rent goggles,snorkel, and life jacket for our daughter's boating expedition tomorrow. I drop him off at work, I get sweet kisses and "I love you!" and I drive straight home. I'm exhausted, but I feel guilty that he is up and working, so I do not go to sleep. I sit and read and surf the internet and remember last night. MMM....last night...

Hubby's coworker drops him off at 5pm. The kids are home and enjoying the gifts he bought them in Japan. Lovely chopsticks for our son (he asked for them) and a pretty scroll painting for our daughter. Both of our children want to do their rooms in Japanese style. They have been wanting to for months. These gifts just fuel that desire.

I didn't get a gift yet- the jewelry there was too expensive. He is getting my Valentine's gift here. Not that I'm really caring about that much right now. heh. So, our daughter heads off to her friend's for an overnight stay and their boat trip tomorrow and my son heads to his room to watch anime.

Hubby and I hit Denny's for dinner and watched "50 First Dates" and we liked it. Went to Kmart, bought our daughter a new swimsuit,"Spy Kids 3-D" and ourselves "Runaway Jury." We drop off the swimsuit and head home. He watches the tail end of "Daredevil" and I took a bath (I can't stand that movie). I get out of the bath and we sit and watch the next to the last Sex and the City. Lucky for us, this weekend is a free HBO weekend here. I have a feeling it will not be on Sunday- since I could actually see the final episode Sunday night if it were.

We head to bed. He is very tired, I pretty much figure nothing is going to happen. So he cuddles up to me, one set of hands entwined and other arm around me, his face nuzzled up against my shoulder, one of my legs sandwhiched between his and he apologizes, saying we'll have our nookie in the morning. I'm totally ok with that,because I'm happy and I'm tired, too. So I lay there, listening and feeling him fall asleep, just letting his warmth cover me. I lay there with him for about half an hour. We rarely fall asleep together like that...

Then my leg started to go numb. And I realized my mind was whirling and I couldn't fall asleep yet. So I moved slightly, let go of his hand and stroked his arm around my waist and tried to gracefully slide my leg from out between his. In his sleep he took the hint and he almost made me giggle when he turned over and made this sooooo contented moaning sigh.

Today was spent listening to my husband plan ahead for us. Yes, he's done it before, but there was a new energy to it. As if he could really see it...and I started getting excited about it, too. His time in Japan made him nostalgic for our time in Okinawa- and he loved Japan's atmosphere. He wants us to go to mainland Japan after our tour in Virginia. And I am very, very supportive of this idea. It would be either Atsugi or Masawa.

Later we talked to our kids about it. I was very shocked to hear my son tell my husband he would absolutely go with us to Japan. This is the kid, who for the past 6 months has exclaimed that he is only with us for 2 more years then he's getting the heck out of our home. And interestingly enough- he was actually nice and respectful of his dad today. He was so nice my husband asked me later what was going on. I said I really wasn't sure, but to take it one day at a time.

Truthfully- I think my son got a break from his dad and realized he missed him. Warts and all.

Today my husband was joking about our time together last night...I mentioned that it was the best we'd had since I'd come back home. Then he teased me about how I'm only saying that because of all the kisses. I let him know, yeah, that's true, and that he knows nothing pleases me more. He said he was looking forward to the encore. Of course we came home and stayed up too late and got sleepy.

But there is always tomorrow morning.

And if I go to bed now, it arrives sooner for me.

Ta!

He is home. Picked him up last night at 2:30am.

Made love. Real sweaty-kiss-practically-the-entire-time with his words "I love you" whispered in my ear.

I finally got what I really wanted... and I don't think he knows it.

God does.

He was supposed to call me to let me know if he was coming in early or not. No phone calls and its 10:58pm. He has not called me this late before, so I guess he didn't get on a plane. I'm sitting here feeling down. I really was hoping he'd come home early.

I wish he would have called to let me know, one way or the other. I had considered taking myself to a movie if he wasn't coming in.

*sigh* I'm going to bed early. I've got the crawl-into-bed-and-hide blues.

My calves are sore. Not very, very sore, but I-had-a-good-workout sore.

My collar bones are starting to play peek a boo. Can't wait to show hubby.

Just two and half more days.....

I'm so ready to get laid.

So I'm reading Passing for Thin since it was delivered today. And everytime I've opened it I've been eating. The irony isn't lost on me at all. I just wish it was a funny irony.

I read it while eating lunch. I read it while eating dinner. I read it while eating my ice cream snack after dinner. I read it while eating the popcorn (diet type) I grabbed trying to avoid eating the frosted shredded wheat I was craving. And I continued to read it while I polished off the two bowls of frosted shredded wheat. Yes. I ate all of that in one day. Its all on Fitday. I made myself document it.

Oh I know the reasons why I binged today.

The book was bringing up my own anxieties about success and failure. I was also self-medicating- maybe other people who have binged would understand when I explain the feeling of an almost mediative trance one goes into while eating and reading. I feel sleepy, cocooned, and content when I do it. I used to do it all the time. Now I do it maybe once every couple of months. I am admitting that I've done it at least 4 times this past two weeks. I am self-medicating because I am anxious about my husband's absence. I am anxious over the move and feeling so vulnerable. I am scared that I will screw it all up somehow...and so what do I do? The one thing that can really screw it all up for me- lose control.

Fear is the mind-killer.

I have had that phrase in my head for a week now and it didn't really hit me until I typed it here that I am allowing that fear to shove me back into what Frances Kuffel refers to as "Planet of Fat." I know that place and I hated living in that neighborhood. Part of me is living in its moon right now, not quite ready for the giant leap of womankind to the next unknown- "Planet of Thin."

So I will begin each day reading this mantra from one of my favorite series of all time:

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind killer.
Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
I will face my fear.
---Frank Herbert, Dune

I have the fitness portion of my life in full swing and I feel confident I can keep it up. I enjoy sweating, knowing I can do something, and I look forward to the changes in my body.

The fear, however, I haven't yet conquered. Its deeply woven into my life- fear of men, fear of failure, fear of success, and my greatest fear-- finding out I am mediocrity personified. Its been easier to hide then to face the possibility that my dreams are just that... events so far beyond my reach I may as well just give up now.

Well, fuck that.

Today's workout finished!
Thankfully, my items I ordered from Amazon.com arrived today. I am halfway through the book, its superb. It is as if she crawled into my head and stole my thoughts.

Today's workout was Walk Away the Pounds with Leslie Sasone- 2 mile High Calorie Burn. I used my 2# dumbbells during the weight reisistance part. Total time was 30 minutes.

Thoughts that came to me during the workout: I can't wait for my thighs to not touch and rub together. I'm glad the dvd had people in it that may not be as heavy as me, but their bodies were average. And they had three people over 40 in it. And one was a man.

I think I am going to check out the website and see what she has there for other support or info.

Today's workout just finished:
1.5 miles, treadmill @ 3% incline, top speed 3.2mph (for a quarter mile again).32:49 minutes. Calories burned- 144, fat calories gone- 45.1.
:08min Arms w/2# dumbbells,:08 Arms w/4# dumbbells ,:08min Arms w/5# dumbbells. 24 minutes.
Total workout time= 56:49 minutes

I am really enjoying my butterfly stickers.

I had a little difficulty with that third Arm set, but I could tell it was time to add it. I had just a light sheen of sweat at the end of the second set and felt I could go another round. And I could.

Just four more days til I pick up hubby. I didn't hear from him this evening, but I figured as much. He's been calling almost every other day and that's fine, considering the cost. It will just be good to have him home again.

Yeah, I know. Record. Broken.

Oh, and no headaches so far! So maybe it was the weather after all. Got my fingers crossed.

Fitness Report for the Week of February 16- February 22, 2004
Monday- 1 mile walk, treadmill @ 3% incline, top speed 3.3mph (short burst). 22:09 minutes.
Tuesday- Rest Day
Wednesday- 2.25 miles, treadmill @ 3% incline. Top speed 3.0mph. 51:16 minutes.
Thursday- :08min workouts: Legs, Buns, Arms w/2# dumbbells,Arms w/4# dumbbells 32 minutes
Friday- Rest Day
Saturday- :08min workouts: Legs, Buns, Arms w/2# dumbbells,Arms w/4# dumbbells 32 minutes
Sunday-2 mile walk, treadmill @ 3% incline. 44:00 minutes. Top speed 3.2mph
Butterflies this week: 5
Days food journalled on FitDay: 4.5 (much, much better)
Average Water intake: 38 oz.

Ok, due to replying to an email from a reader who inspired me- I went ahead and did a workout! So here it is before I head off for a shower and bed.
2 mile walk, treadmill @ 3% incline. 44:00 minutes. Top speed 3.2mph (I did this for a whole quarter mile! yay me!). Calories burned = 190 with 59.5 fat calories giving up the ghost as well.
Sweaty and icky, so off I go!

Somehow, Sunday became my free day...so looks like I get no more for a week. Serves me right. *grin*

Put the patch on this morning, on my upper arm. Hope it stays there, because I accidentally put it a little higher than I had in mind, but I think it will be ok. Let's see if I get hit by headaches in the next couple days. I have an achey head right now, but I know for a FACT its from sugar overload and from laughing and crying my head off watching tv with my kids. Watched America's Funniest Videos and then Extreme Makeover Home Edition. Hence the laughter then the crying.

Just got off the phone with hubby. I don't know what it is, but his voice soothes me. He sounds so tired and I can tell he's sick of it already and ready to come home. He can't tell me much due to security measures, but he tries to tell me as much as he can, which I appreciate. He did so wonderfully for preparing me for this trip - he mailed his orders, gave me the itinerary, gave me documents describing his duties and work schedule and housing situation. I know to others this is no big deal- but it was for us. Its the first time I've known everything and he made certain to do everything he could to lower my anxiety. He made a real effort for me.


I was going to exercise, but I'm tired and well...sugar drugged. So tomorrow I will do both a walk and the :08 minute workouts to make up for it. :)

Just five more days.

Took Friday as my free day and a rest day. Just wasn't feeling up to it.

Today's workout was the same as Thursday:
:08min workouts: Legs, Buns, Arms w/2# dumbbells,Arms w/4# dumbbells 32 minutes

I have noticed new definition in my arms and also around my knees. Very cool.

Ok, confession time.

Today I had a bit of an anxiety attack. I know that I'm not the only one in marital recovery going through this, and reading the posts by fellow MBer's (Marriage Builders) helped me get through the early ones when he left for Japan. But today I started thinking of all the challanges coming up in Virginia. Like knowing when he is working patrols at night he will be alone during the day when Im at school. What's really nuts about this- is I know for a fact he will sleep the entire time Im gone. He always has. ALWAYS. And it isn't like we both haven't agreed on accountability- because we have a plan that is working for us already. But today, I was sitting and thinking of all the things we have to do to get ready for the move and my heart started pounding and I tensed up and felt so, so freaked. So maybe it really isn't about what he could do behind my back- I guess its really anxiety about this next step. I can't control him and logically, I know this. I don't want to be a warden and I've worked very hard not to be. I don't want him to feel bad about himself, either.

I am thinking that the attack also stemmed from not having anything to really keep me distracted and busy. Housework doesn't do it- you have tons of time to just think while you clean. Same with working out. However, a job or a school schedule and homework- that keeps you so busy focusing on that, that you can get through the hard parts because you are so wrapped up in it all. I don't have that here. I will soon, though and I will be so relieved. I am tired of flipping over possibilities, worst case scenarios, devestating revelations, and reliving the past. I want to launch ahead without thinking about every freaking step sometimes, you know?

I am very hopeful for the future. I'm also trying to be a realist and its upsetting the romantic in me. I don't want to live in denial, but I sure would love to be able to feel 'normal' again. My fellow recovered MBers say it does happen- usually after the two year mark- to just give it time, put in the work, and stay positive and faithful. God help us.

That is the burden one bears when you decide to stay. And I'm not having a woe is me moment. I would much rather be dealing with this then sitting in a small apartment with my kids in Lincoln and regretting and second-guessing that decision. Not once have I second-guessed myself about this once I decided. I will never, not once, ever regret following this path. I will live and I will learn. I will grow because of it, not in spite of it.

I looked at hubby's itinerary and realized I don't pick him up until Saturday at 1am. *sniffle* added another day to my wait. So, six more days to suffer. I did not realize how much brightness he brings to our home. When he isn't here, it feels so very, very wrong. I am all out of sorts and Im sleeping horribly.

Well, today was the first day of absolutely no headaches. I had mild ones on Friday. Tomorrow is the day I am supposed to change out for a new patch. So I am going to slap it back on in the morning and see what happens. It was a rainy day, too, but I think the pressure system has moved on mostly. The satellite looked clear for a few days.

Took my daughter this morning to see Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. Uh...perfect for my 9 year old girl. I really can't see anyone over the age of (maybe) 14 really getting into it. Major tween flick. Then we both went into Macy's and browsed. My daughter cracks me up. She's becoming really interested in clothing. I wasn't interested in clothes until...gee, this year.

It was a good mother-daughter bonding time. My hubby will be thankful he didn't have to go through it.

I miss my husband. Did I mention that?

Today's workout was:
:08min workouts: Legs, Buns, Arms w/2# dumbbells,Arms w/4# dumbbells 32 minutes
I am totally drenched in sweat. It was rolling into my eyes by the second arm set and I was feeling a bit out of it. I know its because for a little bit there my breathing went out of whack. I will work on that.

Heading to the bathtub. Didn't hear from hubby, hopefully he will call tomorrow. Only seven more days til he is home.

I've had enough- I took off the patch in hopes my headaches will go away. What's really strange is an hour later, Im feeling a little nauseous.
No biggie about the patch. If my headaches continue for the next week or two I will know it isn't the patch and I will just begin again on my next cycle. Hubby isn't back until the morning of the 28th and my next cycle begins on the twelveth of March- so I am certain I can come up with ways to avoid pregnancy for two weeks. And it will be fun, too.
Like always.
If the headaches do go away, I will talk to her on the 2nd, during my annual checkup, and see what else is available. I am thinking the IUD again if they have it here. It doesn't cause weight gain and mine worked wonderfully. And no chemicals.

Woke up this mornig to get the kids off to school. Headache hit about an hour later. Took two ibuprofin and lay down (this has been my m.o. since sunday). Woke up, no headache. Now its about 40 minutes later and I can feel it coming. I looked outside and there is a tremendous build up of storm clouds. Grrr, I was hoping it would be clear. Going to check the satellite and see how long these systems will be in the area.
I just do not recall having this many headaches here.

OH- forgot to mention- its possible the Ortho Evra patch is causing my headaches. However, I won't know until the latest weather system here in Guam passes (I get headaches in stormy weather) and I get more equilibrium on cutting back my caffeine. I did have caffeine yesterday and today - my tea- and still had headaches. So, waiting for the weather to clear and see what's going on.

Did my walk very late- started after 11pm,but my headache had finally gone away and I was really feeling the need to move til I broke a good sweat. And I sure did. I'm drenched now and will be off to take a bath after posting my day's workout. Due to the soreness in my legs during the last walk, I did a longer walk at 2.5mph then normal. And it seemed to work just fine. No ache or soreness at all (and I was mindful to not walk longer than my regular stride).

2.25 miles, treadmill @ 3% incline. Top speed 3.0mph. 51:16 minutes.Calories burned: 206 with 64.6 fat calories burned.

I hate to admit it, but a lot of today's motivation during the walk was anger. I usually try my darndest to keep negative stuff like that out of my life (and yes, its very very hard to do so). To do it, I usually try to see things from the other person's perspective (and this is a major reason why I was able to reconcile with hubby and am able to deal with all of this). It usually works for me.

Not this time. This thing with my parents just has me infuriated. Yeah, yeah, I try to say, "Oh well, their loss." But truthfully, I'm sitting here stewing. No way in hell will I let them know that, but its true. It willtake me some time to get through it, but until then, I'll funnel it into physical activity.

While walking I was throwing jabs and thinking of Brenna's post on Ali's new commercial.

"Rumble,girl, rumble."
Yeah.

Waiting for my headache to go away so I can do my workout tonight. I *will* do some sort of workout.
Due to the headache, no real entry today. Except taht I found a place where a woman who is on the same birth control patch I am is experiencing weight gain- and she's heard others complain of it as well.
*sigh*
I'll give it a couple of weeks though. March 2nd is my gyno appointment. if Im still having problems and headaches, I will switch.

Today I allowed myself a rest day. Astrophe pointed out to me that overstriding can cause injury- and I was doing just that, trying to take longer strides, thinking it was the 'proper' way of doing it. So I think she helped me solve my mystery!

I am off to play Planetside. Hubby just called me and I am in a good mood.

Light workout today due to headaches (probably from lack of caffeine and stress) that I couldn't get rid of all day.
1 mile walk, treadmill @ 3% incline, top speed 3.3mph (short burst). 22:09 minutes. 104 calories burned and 32.5 fat calories burned.

I would have gone for another half mile except for the fact that the front of my lower legs, along the bone, both suddenly hurt during the last half of the last quarter mile. It was almost like shin splint kind of pain. Very strange. Maybe my walk outside yesterday was too strenuous? I don't know, my legs were not hurt or sore at all today. Its also weird because I started this walk very slowly, doing the first quarter mile at 2.5mph before moving on to 2.7, then 3.0mph.

A good thing during this short walk, was that I felt my posture was better. I actually felt less bloated. Im pretty sure taht's probably from the 80oz. of water I have drank today!

My son has been a godsend for me this weekend. If he saw me checking out something I'm trying to avoid, he would speak up. Today he actually removed a small bag of M&Ms from my hand (they were my daughter's) and asked me if I really, really needed it. He also said he'd have no problem giving up soda if I didn't want to be bringing it into the home. I didn't have any of his today,but I thought about it. But isn't part of my lifestyle change learning to live with the temptations and choosing other things? Do I really learn to choose something differant if the choice isn't there? Or does it really become where you make this healthy fortress with really high walls so the 'bad stuff' doesn't break you down? That isn't how I want to live or make my family live. I want to stay as close to my norm as possible, my comfort zone, so that when I do reach that healthier level I'm working towards, I won't go bonkers when I can relax a little.

However, saying that, soda is no longer a staple on my grocery list. If he wants it, he can ask for it. Til then, I will provide water, tea, koolaid,and Country Time lemonade. I think that's plenty.

8th butterfly on the calendar.

The Bad News: Got a nasty email from my father today. I was expecting it, but just the same, I had a good cry over it. I've decided to try not to devote any more time to that. They said exactly what I thought they would, except I wasn't expecting to have my teenage pregnancy thrown in my face and be called a disrespectful,lying daughter as well. My response will be simply two lines answering the two questions they asked for information (if I had new pics of the kids and when we were leaving the island). Then I plan on not contacting them at all. Let them initiate contact, I am tired of listening to the long litany of what is wrong with me (I'm a coward, a liar, a disgusting fat pig, a doormat, weak, stupid, indecisive, disrespectful,pathetic and lacking in any common sense). Its toxic and hurtful and I am finished.

The Good News: This last week's workout report!
Fitness Report for February 9 - February 15, 2004
Monday- 2.25 mile walk, treadmill 3% incline 49:20minutes
Tuesday- :08min workouts: Arms, Legs, Buns 24 minutes
Wednesday- :08min workouts: Legs,Buns,Arms,Stretch 32 minutes
Thursday- 1.5 mile walk, treadmill 3% incline 30:57 minutes
Friday- 1.75 mile walk, treadmill 3% incline 37:24 minutes
Saturday- :08min workouts: Legs, Buns, Arms w/2# dumbbells,Arms w/4# dumbbells 32 minutes
Sunday- 2 mile walk, outdoors 47 minutes
Days Fitday was used to log food: 0 Ok, I will get to work on that this week.

I don't think this patch is going to work for me. I put it on my abdomen, where I thought it wouldn't get rubbed a whole lot,but after my walk yesterday, its already slipped and folded a bit on itself. Luckily, hubby isn't here and I replace this again next Sunday. Next week I will put it on my upper arm and see how that works.

My cycle ended last night. My weight skyrocketed to 198. OUCH. I'm drinking a lot of water, beginning today, so let's hope that helps. I had a lot of sodium this weekend, but the jerky hubby brought me is gone (thanks to help from my kids and their friends!). I've gone two days with no soda and I'm having headaches. Luckily, pain reliever takes care of that! My goal for water intake this week is 80 oz.

Even though I have gone seven days straight of working out, its a struggle. yes, I am motivated, but I still face each day worried that I'm going to suddenly give up. Thank goodness for other people's journals. Its such a great way to remind myself that Im not the only one dealing with these issues.

The hardest step is always that first one.

I ordered Walk Away the Pounds 2-Pack: Super Fat Burning + Get Up and Get Started High Calorie Burn and
Passing For Thin from Amazon.com and they should arrive this week! Looking forward to reading the book and getting to work with those DVDs.

Oh, poo, the card was by the door. That's ok, though, he finally was able to get through and call me this evening. It was very short, due to cost, but he was ok and just working very hard. He sounded tired, but wanted to check in because he knew I would worry. I was so happy to hear his voice. He says he might call again tonight, but I am not holding my breath- he works in the morning and if I know him, he'll fall asleep. And that's fine, because I got to hear his voice!

In other news:
SEVEN DAYS IN A ROW OF EXERCISE! YES!
Today was a 2 mile walk outside. I just got back and I really need to shower. I'll do so after updating here. This was my old walk routine and I had absolutely no trouble doing it. In fact I finished it in 47 minutes. I'm real happy.

Now if the bloating from my cycle would go away, I'd be ecstatic.
Off to shower then play Planetside after doing dishes.

I went to find the card I gave my husband. I was going to put it with my card. I can't find it.
I think he took it to Japan with him!
I'll keep looking...but if he did, wow, how happy that makes me!

I dreamed about my hubby last night. Woke up thinking he'd be there, reached out to place my hand on his back, like I usually do in the mornings and there was emptiness. You'd be proud of me, I didn't burst into tears.

I have to say that my husband has been very, very sweet to me lately. He has called me from work when he thought I was down. He even had begun asking me how my day went, even when he knew I would have absolutely nothing interesting to say. His kisses have been wonderfully warm and soft and more abundent. He is starting to fill me up with enough love and care that each day I am closer to moving on with things. I leave him love notes and send emails telling him I have noticed his new care for me.

He has started kissing me in public places, out of the blue and without any type of move on my part. I think that is my favorite part. We were in the car the other day and I was talking about something pretty boring. We were at a stop light and suddenly he was leaning in for a kiss. He kissed me during the movie 'Miracle.' A week ago we were in a computer store buying my headset for Planetside and I was waiting for the clerk to ring up the purchase. My husband was standing next to me. I didn't look at him since I was watching the clerk do his job and I felt him leaning towards me and I turned and he kissed me. He is making me feel desirable, cared for, and loved.

Do not doubt that I love my husband. I wouldn't be going through this recovery process if I didn't. I wouldn't be able to handle the pain and the loss if there was no love to fall back on. I believe my regular readers know that, even if they think I am insane. Do not doubt that I am loving, affectionate, and caring towards him. I treat him like a King, now. He's finally making me his Queen.

I want to share with you the card he brought me. Even though it seemed like I was blowing it off, I want to apologise and tell you I didn't. At the moment, I was focused on one other thing, but I know he chose this card very carefully. It was not gushy or overly romantic, like 98% of the cards are during Valentine's Day. I am keeping this card by my nightstand to remind me during those dark moments why we both are here.
It reads:
(Front)
For My Wife With All My Love
Sometimes it's when
I see you working hard
and giving your best,
no matter how long or tough your day.
Sometimes it's when
you take a stand
for what's right,
and I remember
how rare women like you
really are...
(inside)
Sometimes it's when
we share a funny story
or a favorite memory
that reminds me how much
we've always meant to each other,
and always will.
Happy Valentine's Day

...and then he signed it Love, XXXX.

So when he takes my hand or I take his, I know its because we both want to be here for us. This is the first time I have felt he's here for me. I am still adjusting to it, still learning to trust in it. But I am finally believing I am worthy to be with and I think its this attitude that changes everything. I'm no longer asking why he wants to be with me. I know why. I'm a wonderful wife. I am finally feeling like he is glad to have me.

Even when I drive him to distraction.

I'm all out of sorts. I am so used to speaking to hubby everyday and pretty much anytime I want to, that not hearing from him in two days makes me a bit anxious. However, I do know he's been working since the moment he set foot in Japan. I know this because he was so great about this assignment- he emailed all the info on it, including his orders, so I could read and learn about what he would be expected to do, for how long, and where. I am hoping he will have time on Sunday to give me a call. I bet he has a lot to tell me. Well, what he can of course. Its Top Secret security stuff (he has that clearance), so he can't tell me the details, but he can tell me how busy he is and all that. Who he is working with and all that jazz. And how cold Japan is right now.

Today I once again slapped a butterfly on the calender. On my sixth day I did something slightly differant with the 8minute workouts. I did the 8minute Buns and the 8 minute Legs, followed by the 8 minute Arms. Except that after doing the Arms section with 2# weights, I did the 8minute workout again with 4# weights. That second set, my arms were trembling and boy were my shoulder muscles burning! I had sweat just pouring off me. And it was grand. So, the three days a week that I do this workout, I will be doing two sets of the Arms with the 2 and 4 #ers and then work towards a third set with the new 5# weights I purchased today. By the time I do third sets, I will also have added the Ab workout to the routine. I hope to be ready for that before the end of the month. Anyway, I did 32 minutes of that today.

Tomorrow I begin taking Ortho Evra, the new birth control patch. I'll be able to let my gyn doctor know how it works for me on the 2nd of March, when I go in for the annual checkup. I really, really hope it doesn't cause weight gain. She didn't think it would, but its new, so I guess ya never know. I will be extra vigilant about my intake over the next few weeks to make sure its the patch and not me. :)

I have a bunch of emails to write tomorrow morning, so I am going to head to bed. Its 1am and I just logged off of Planetside. I'm actually getting much better at it and learning a little of the strategy, but I still get confused about what everything does. No biggie, I still have a good time.

Later!

I am thinking about this for the summer The Gazelle. Any thoughts? I love my treadmill and wouldn't give it up for the world, but it would be nice to have an alternate to do, too. It really does depend, also, on the size of our apartment in Virginia.

Five butterflies populate my calender. Yes, I've exercised 5 days straight.

Today's:
Treadmill- 1.75 miles @ 3% incline in 37:24 minutes. Top speed 3.2mph (which I was able to keep pace longer). Calories burned- 201. Burned off 68.32 fat calories as well.

Today was my free day for eating, so I really did need to workout today and I am glad I did it.

Well, hubby's gifts were 3 roses in a very pretty vase and a card. That he purchased right before coming home. HAHA. We went to see 'Miracle' which is something he really wanted to see. It was okay. He felt bad about the Japanese restaurant, but assured me we'd go when he gets back from Japan. I took him to the airport this morning. I got a little teary on the way back to the car, but it passed. Its just two weeks. Not two months. And we are in a good place right now (and I told him so this morning). I need to get beyond worrying about his actions and concentrate on making myself happy.

Now, it was funny after I got the roses and the card. I was getting ready for us to go out to the movie and I said, "So, when do I get my gift?" Ok, that was wrong, but I just couldn't resist! I guess I do have a little cruel streak in me. The look on his face was priceless. It was like, "huh?" He said, "That was your gift!" I responded with a slightly upbeat "Oh. Okay."
I admit, when I first realized that it was 'just' roses (I know, I should have been happy considering last year I got nothing, not even a card) and a card, I felt my bottom lip trembling. How immature, huh? But I was disappointed. It took him maybe twenty minutes to head to the base exchange and purchase the card and roses. I guess I wanted more. Ok, no guessing. I did want more. So, after I felt sorry for myself and pouted in the bathroom for all of three minutes, I let it go.
He wasn't letting it go, though. "Was there something you wanted? I thought about buying a gig of RAM for your computer, but we both know its not available on this island." Its true, I looked.
"You have no idea what I wanted?" I could not help but laugh at him.
"No." he was watching me. I reached over, right next to him, and grabbed the Navy Exchange catalogue ad for jewelry on sale. I could almost see the mental groan on his face.
I said, "You mean, me looking at this catalog right in front of you several times for the past few weeks gave you absolutely no clue what I might have wanted? That me leaving other catalogues open to the jewelry pages all over the kitchen counter gave you no clue?"
"I thought you were messing with me."
"What?" I laughed. I couldn't help it. This guy is so clueless sometimes.
"You have never been a jewelry person! You used to tell me all the time you didn't like it! So when you were doing that, I thought you were joking!"
And there we have it. I was foiled by my own past denial. I used to tell him I didn't want jewelry because, 1- I didn't think my fat, ugly ass was worth it, and 2- I didn't think he thought I would be either, so why even hope for it? Besides, we were always broke. And truthfully, in 12 years, a Valentine's Day card was something to remember because it didn't happen very often.
"Ok," I said to hubby. "I want a necklace or some other piece of jewelry. Ever since I have felt better about myself and care how I look, I've really been looking at it."
"Oh. Well, I had thought about it, about getting you a bracelet, but I really didn't think you'd go for it." Hubby responds.
I laughed. I said "A bracelet would be wonderful, too. How about you find me something in Japan. I don't want anything expensive. Really. It can be anywhere from $20 to $50. But I want it to be something you would like to see on me."
"Ok, I will do that. I'll get it while I am there. I just can't believe you weren't joking. I thought if I bought jewelry you wouldn;t wear it anyway." I could see he felt kinda bad, but truthfully, he was confused.
"Did you notice that the shirts I wear now have the throat exposed and show a bit of cleavage?" I asked.
He flashed a smile at me. "Yeah, of course I did." And then after he said that, his face lit up. Lightbulb moment.
I just grinned back at him and purred, "Perfect shirts to show off a necklace from my husband, don't you think?"

So the poor guy will be jewelry shopping on his very rare moments off.

*sigh* I miss him.

We just now had an earthquake. It was quite a jolt, so Im guessing a 5 pointer maybe. Going to check the earthquake site in a sec. Luckily, we didn't lose power!

hubby isn't coming home until 1. Poo. So Im going to just take a nap til he gets here.

Four days straight now! Four butterflies all in a row!!!
Today's workout was early. I was at a weightloss support forum I go to and I was trying to help one of our members figure out her motivations and a plan when I suddenly realized that although I had slept only 4.5 hours and I usually crawl back in bed, I was up to a walk on the treadmill!
So I just finished:
1.5 miles @ 3% incline. Top speed 3.2mph. Time elapsed 30:57minutes. 155 Calories burned, 48.6 fat calories burned as well.
I'm sweaty, I smell, and I ROCK!

Time to take a shower, pretty myself up, get in my red satin nightgown and wait for hubby to come home at 11am. No kids are home right now... time to howl.

Reporting in that even though my legs are sore as hell, I did the workouts again!
8min Buns, 8min Legs, 8 min Arms, and the 8min Stretch. I was out of breath and sweaty, just like yesterday, but because I was careful not to do it on a full stomach, I didn't get sick. I also learned to do the buns and legs first- they get my heartrate up real fast and I have an easier time getting through the routine starting with them.
My daughter followed along and did the whole final stretch with me. She picked out the butterfly that went on the calendar. I have three in a row.
I have gone through three days of drinking my water. But, sorry Brenna, I did have a soda today. I so needed a caffeine sugar-chased rush that I totally caved. But it was just one. Considering I used to drink a 6 pack a day (I am NOT joking), I'm doing great.

Hubby brought home a huge bag of Teriyaki Beef Jerky today. Now, don't freak, I asked him to get me some from the lady who makes it on the island. I just did NOT expect $20 worth, which is about 3 pounds of it. I just stared at it when he handed it to me.
Tomorrow I am asking my son to help me seperate the bag into single servings so I get a better idea of what I have eaten of it. I am also making sure he eats at least half on his own. HAH!
He brought my son a bag of snickers and my daughter a bag of M&Ms. And the soda. And a box of a coconut cake. Lucky for me- I hate coconut, which is why he got it. He knows I won't touch it. Did I ever mention my husband can be the junk food/fast food king?

So, knowing they had all that chocolate and my cycle is about to start any day now and he is leaving Friday morning- i made myself cherry Jello for tomorrow. Hubby did bring me fat free whip topping, which I had asked for as well. So while they are noshing away on chocolate, I can have a little sugar dessert, too, without blowing everything!

And that's what its about. Making those adjustments in my life so that I can live 'normally', like everyone else, just making wiser, slightly better choices and not feeling deprived. Who wants deprivation? Not me.

Playing Planetside again in a few minutes. I really do enjoy that game!

Oy, my legs are soooore. But its one of those good types of sore. You know, the kind where you wince right before you know the ache is going to start, but you feel this deep satisfaction knowing you ripped up your thigh muscles actually doing something constructive other then doing it doggy style? Yeah, its a faboo feeling.

Hubby bought me The Sims Double Deluxe Edition this weekend and I forgot to mention it. I'm trying very hard to not play it too much, because I don't want it interfering with my housework and my Planetside gaming.

Hubby just called and they are having him leave Friday morning. I take him to the airport at 5am. This is how our phone conversation went.

"Hello?" -me...cuz he called
"Hey sweetie."
"HI!" - yeah, Im usually bubbly when he calls because...I'm a big dork.
"I have some bad news."
My stomach always drops when he says this. Gee, I wonder why. "Oh, no...what is it?"
"I have to leave on Friday." Oh...well, that's not so terrible, so hey, no reason to get all verklempt.
"You do? Oh, that kinda sucks."
"Yes, and it means I have to cancel our reservations."
"What reservations?"
"I had reservations for the two of us at a very nice Japanese restaurant." (I think I know which one it is- its in one of the hotels and its a majorly nice place)
"You did?" Ok, I admit it, I couldn't keep the schoolgirl squeal out of my voice. Again, I'm a dork.
"Yeah, and I tried to get us in tonight but they are fully booked. But I will give you your gifts on Thursday. And we will go to the restaurant when I get back."
Gifts. A plural! On the word gift! Wow, he was going all out on this one.
"You got me some gifts?" <---yeah, dumb question and I seem to be part parrot today.
"Of course I did!" He is laughing at me. "I had to show you how much I love you!"
And that is one thing I have learned in the last month. He is not a great verbalizer- its embarrassing to him. So he does it with gestures and buying things. Am I complaining? Hell no!
I respond, "Yay!" Yes, I actually said 'Yay!' Because not only am I a dork, I'm channeling Barbie.
"Do you feel better now?" he is laughing again.
"Yes!" Gimme gimme gimme.
"Ok, I love you."
"I love you,too. I made pot roast for dinner. Its cooking now." He loves my pot roast. Guess I timed this dinner well!
"YUM!" yes, he can be dorky too!
"Ok, love you. Bye!"
"Love you,too! bye!" And he hangs up.

For Valentine's Day I bought him an mp3 player and two new shirts. He loved them. I gave them to him early because he has been running a whole bunch and I knew he'd want his music to use during his PT sessions. He's going to fill up his mp3 player tonight so that he will have all his music with him when he is in Japan. I have a card to give him tomorrow.

Oh, I hope he bought me jewelry. Its funny, but I was never a jewelry person before, but now that I am feeling better about myself, I have become a little obsessed with looking at it. I'm turning into - *gasp*- a girly girl.

Off to log into Planetside so I can go shoot people and run over them with my tank.

Oh my...I've learned Lesson Number One about exercise the hard way.

Never, ever workout on a full stomach. Ever.

Today I did :08min. Arms, :08min. Legs, and :08min Buns about an hour after eating a taco salad I made out of last night's left overs. 90% lean ground meat, fat free refried beans, lettuce, 2% Kraft cheddar cheese, and medium salsa. By the time I was finished with the last routine, I was feeling nauseuos, sweat was pouring off me like tropical rain, and my legs were shaking. I gamely tried to do the :08min. stretch for a cool down, but my body was screaming at me to stop. Well, not screaming, it was actually more like a moanful wail. After I took a shower and lay down quietly for ten minutes, I felt better.

Never again will I exercise on a full stomach. Have I said it enough? Good thing though is I drank my 30 oz of water for the morning. Heh. Thatis the biggest challange for me- remembering to drink water. I have gone two days with no soda. Its in the house but I've been drinking water or lemonade. Its supposed to be tea instead of lemonade, but hubby drank the tea and I was lazy last night and just reached for the lemonade.

I had planned on doing Leslie Sasone's 3 mile workout, but it looks like my family managed to scratch the hell out of it. Oh gee, what shall I do. Guess I have to visit Amazon.com and take care of that! Oh my, woe is me. I think I will buy the bundle though, with all the workouts.

So, I got another butterfly sticker on my calender!

Warning- pornographic mental images ahead!
So last night...I help hubby get off..and then hubby helps me get off (sometimes mutual masturbation is fun) and I'm fully expecting the peck on the cheek, the quick snuggle and for him to roll over and go to sleep, as usual. He had to get up ealry in the morning, which was why we were settling for the quickie stuff. (And I'm fine with the rolling over, its been the RARE occasion Im comfortable enough to fall asleep cuddling up with him. I need my space, too)

Instead, he starts kissing me. Hey, I'm all for that. They were really soft, sweet kisses... think Bull Durham. I was all tingly and warm. Then he kissed my cheek, cuddled up with me and was kissing the top of my head. He tried to stay like that, I think he meant for us to go to sleep that way, but I wasn't comfortable. OH, I was freakin' THRILLED, but not comfortable, so I kissed his chin and told him to turn over and get some sleep.

Earlier that day he called me in the morning to tell me he loved me. He said he was worried about me because I had sounded depressed that morning when I said goodbye. I wasn't depressed at all- I was half asleep,something that is totally new to me, really. Usually when he is up and about, I can't lay there and sleep. Yesterday and this morning I slept while he got ready for work. I'm thinking I am starting to feel more comfortable with things between us now, so my body is relaxing. I let him know I wasn't depressed or sad and that it was just me being sleepy. I really don't think he believed me!

So last night before bed we lay together on the couch and watched television a bit. I started messing with him a little bit then I got up and started doing something else. I like doing that..he used to do that to me all the time. I've been turning the tables a little with that. I did it again right before bed and I didn't get away this time. =) Luckily, I was tired too, and I went to sleep alongside hubby. But what weirded me out, in a good way, was the way he was being affectionate all evening. I am not used to it yet. When he first started doing it, I was wondering what he was up to. Now I'm finally letting myself just enjoy it.

I am wondering if it was my question on Sunday night that I asked him before we fell asleep. We were snuggling before turning over and heading to dreamland when I asked, "Are we doing ok?" He wondered why I was asking and I said simply because I don't get a lot of verbal feedback from him and I didn't want to assume anything. He said, "Yes of course, we're doing good." Ah, maybe that is why he thought I was depressed. I just simply wanted to know.

Maybe this affection is his way of showing it without saying it? If this is true, I don't mind getting no 'verbal' feedback. I'll take this type of communication with no qualms.

I really want to register for the Disney Half Marathon, but I don't think my husband wants me to until he knows I'm serious about it and lose some weight first. I can understand that. But I worry I will lose a slot.

Okay, reporting in my exercise this morning: 2.25 miles, treadmill, 3% incline @ 2.7- 3mph. The last .25 mile was done at 2.5mph as a cool down. I have never done cool downs before and I have to admit that I feel a lot better having done one. Time was 49:20 minutes, total calories burned was 230 and 71.9 fat calories burned as well.

I get a butterfly sticker today!

Last night hubby took all of us to see Return of the King. Just as good the second time. It was the first time for my son and he enjoyed it. I can't wait for the extended edition to come out. Let's hope its around Christmas!

I have two movies I am holding my breath to see: Alien VS. Predator and Harry Potter :Prisoner of Azkaban. (bad spelling should be ignored)

My weight hit 196 and Im changing it in the stats again. *sigh* So sick of gaining and losing the same five pounds!!! Time to kick some ass!

Day Two went ok. What I intended to do was use this last weekend with hubby as a planning session. On Monday, I start the next step and begin using the stickers (butterflies...I thought it was appropriate when they were sold out of stars). I hope to drop back to 189 by March 1. Hubby will be gone from February 14- February 27. This allows me much less temptation to eat fast food- and if I do, it will be Subway. I will have the car while he is gone, so I could buy Subway several times for lunch and dinner for myself and cook them things they like but I can't have. It also puts me back into the calorie/portion control mode and in a way I won't feel all pissy about!

I got a really wonderful email this wekend and I plan on writing back in a couple days. I do not think they meant to make me feel so much better about myself, but that was the outcome. I knew that there were people who enjoyed coming here because they could learn from my own mistakes (or correct choices), but its always great to hear someone's story and know how it is I'm helping by pouring this all out here in cyberspace.

Today hubby and I will probably go see 'Miracle' (he took me to see Cheaper By the Dozen yesterday) and head to Big Navy to get his uniforms and purchase a new moniter. We had three power surges in less than twenty minutes and the 15" moniter my friend Wickwire gave me got zapped.

Been hearing from my friends at Grad House and its great. I really miss them.

Other great wonderful things going on in our household-- we have a savings account. Real savings. I keep checking the bank website just so I can look at it. And we received a secured credit card from our bank to help us repair our credit. My stress over our financial situation just dropped to almost nothing, which is an enormous change for us. I find myself smiling for no reason at all. Never again do I want us caught with no money in the bank when a car breaks down, the kids need clothes, or a utility bill needs to be paid.

And the best thing- my son is starting to come out of his shell. He hangs out with me more and even gives me hugs goodnight. He is still not cool with his dad, but he has been coming out of his room more to sit with both of us. Baby steps.

Off to enjoy my last free day from the new program. Don't worry- I'm planning on Subway!

I just made two calenders. One for February and another for March. On the February one is Lexy Smash's beginning picture- on March is her most recent sexy self. Next year, I will have one made with my beginning picture and my most recent sexy self! If I can get my hands on a digital camera, I will take a picure of my fridge and show CalenderGirl!Lexy off.

Going to the teaching supply store to buy silver (and purple?) star stickers. One color will be for exercising and another will be for being within my calorie range for that day.

I have had the car for three days straight. He is making an effort to carpool so I can get out of the house. Its so great. Even if it just lets me get out and browse at kmart, its enough to keep me happy for now. When he is in Japan I am making an effort to hit the beach with my kids a few times.

Ok, this is Day One to turn this apathy mobile around.

Dear Mojo,
You are never going to lose the weight you want to lose if you don't start moving on a regular basis and especially if you keep drinking soda and eating chips at 10:30pm. You can come in here all you want and blame it on stress, anxiety, time of the month, medication or the friggin' moon phases- the real truth is that you aren't in control and really focused right now. And that is your job- no one else's. No man can cause you to stay obese. No man can cause you to lose weight. That's your duty, not your kids's and not your husband's. Only you can prevent forest fires. Shit, I mean only you can burn off the fat and get healthier. Only you can make the changes that will last.

So stop the goddamn whining and do something about it. REALLY do something- not this half-ass pansy-nancy la-dee-da shit.

Sincerely,

Mojo

We've been having the 'baby talk'- considering having another child.

I know, I know, don't worry. I am not even considering it this year. I need to finish my degree, I need to be physically healthier, and we require a healthier marriage. But it was nice to know he had stopped saying "NO. No more kids." Because I truly did think he was saying that not because he didn't want another child, but he just didn't want to have one with me. I know, might not make sense, but it hurt terribly and any time I think of my spouse having a child with someone else, I want to puke. Maybe my Marriage Builder Ladies would understand what I'm talking about.

I've had my IUD in for 9 years and it was time for it to come out. And it didn't want to. At all. It did, eventually, and then the GYN (who is absolutely wonderful) saw a cyst on my cervix. She checked and said she didn't think it was anything but I'm scheduled for a pap smear on March 2. It was time for my annual, anyway. I am not worried about it. I wanted to ask her if cyberskin/latex toys can cause those, but I was too embarrassed. Maybe I should have. I can email her if I want to. Hmm...

Bought some baby stuff for hubby's coworker and his wife who are expecting at literally any moment. She is seven days overdue and she looked so miserable on Saturday. I really felt for her.

We received a relocation packet from hubby's new command- the first time ever that any new command has sent a welcome package. Its also the first time ever we have had a sponser at our new duty station. This must be one hell of a command. I looked through some of the packet and I'm really impressed with the area. Bunch of art museums, aquariums, and amusements. And the beaches...ah... this could be fun. Lots of wilderness paths. Hubby told me yesterday that they have a Walking Club there and thinks I should join.

Well, here is what my fitness report looks like for last week:
Fitness Report for the week of January 28- February 1, 2004:
Wednesday- 1.5 miles (treadmill, 3% incline)
Thursday- 1.5 miles (treadmill at 3% incline)
Friday- none, rest day,sex
Saturday- none, rest day, sex
Sunday- sex, 1 mile outside- I'm a sexy bitch!
Monday- sex, 1 mile outside - I'm a sexy bitch!
Tuesday- none, NOT A REST DAY - Ok, today I'm a big poopie head!
Total Miles Walked this Week: 5 miles

My eating was fine, so I have maintained the 193. I'm feeling a bit bloated and I'm expecting my cycle to start so Im ramping up the water intake again this week. I have not drank water in four days, just soda (!!!), and I can feel it. Feels icky!

Real short post.
I had my IUD taken out today and I start the patch for my birth control. I'd write more but Im not feeling so great so Im going to go crawl into bed and try to get rid of my headache and moodiness.

I forgot to share another positive surprising moment from yesterday. It was as we were getting ready to leave for the ceremony and he went into our bedroom's bathroom and I sat here answering your comments. I was wondering what was taking him so long, but figuring he's a guy and sometimes they take forever to finish their business I didn't go knock on the door.

He comes to the livingroom smiling at me and saying "Now I know where you got that line that sometimes husbands treat their dogs better than their wives." I'm clueless about what he is referring to except fora couple of jokes we were doin in the car the day before. I had been reciting some t-shirts I saw in Lincoln (Missing: Wife and Dog. Reward for Dog) because we saw a t-shirt on the Air Force Base that said : Husband for Sale.

Anyway, I'm looking at him trying to figure out how this came up and he said, "You got it from your book." I blink and trying to figure out what he is talking about. He says, "The one in the bathroom." OH! Its a book called Healing Keys to a Loving, Lasting Marriage by Dr. Gary Smalley. I've been reading it in the bath. It has two sections. The first half is for husbands and the second for wives. Its Christian-faith-based, but not in your face, and some of the scripture used is actually found in Torah, so its acceptable to me. Yeah, sometimes its archaic in a 1950s way, but not something overtly offensive to me. Anyway, while he was....uh..in the bathroom he picked up the book and started reading it. And apparantly he read several pages because he was quoting a few lines later in the first chapter (I read the first section, of course!). I couldn't beleive he actually picked it up! And read it!

So I went ahead, with my readers's suggestions in mind, and said, "I was wondering if you would take that book to Japan with you? And maybe, if you have nothing else to do, read a little of it?"

He didn't hesitate. "Sure! Not a problem. It looked ok."

So, he'll be packing it in his bag. The oppurtunity is there for him to read it in his few free hours. He might. He just might.

Made me feel good he even opened it to the first page. Hah.

I am counting lots of sex as exercise for the past few days and if anyone has problems with that they can lodge a complaint at the Eat Shit Department.

Ok ladies, I did it, I went ahead and asked him. I said "Could we do something special before you leave?"
He looked over at me quickly and looked back at the road. "What do you mean?"
"For Valentine's Day, since you have to leave on the 9th."
His face went kinda funny and he looked at me and said, "We'll see."
Oh, I felt the hair on the back of my neck go up because in our house, when he says that prhase it means 'no'. So I stared a bit at him until he exclaimed, "What?"
"When you say that it means no!"
And that's when I saw it...
His eyes started to sparkle and he got this mischievious look in his eye. And the walls I was starting to put into place crumbled immediately. He cracked a smile and said, "I'm not saying no, I'm just saying we'll see."
I couldn't help but smile, I knew that look...he was up to something.
"Come on, " I said. "What are we doing?"
"I'm not saying anything." And he is grinning and looking at the road.
"We're doing something!"
He chuckled and gave me a furtive look. "I don't know what you are talking about!"
So I just sat back and smiled. He's been thinking about doing something and now that I asked, I don't have to sit here and wonder if its even crossed his mind.

So thanks, ladies.

Today was my husband's re-enlistment. He is now property of the US Government for another six years. At the ceremony was the Commander and several of hubby's superiors and co-workers. They gave him his re-enlistment papers and then surprised me with my own certificate from the Navy thanking me for supporting my husband. They also gave us a great photo of the southern tip of Guam and signed by one of his superiors. And then the biggest surprise of them all. My husband was asked to say a few words, and I expected the usual, thanking his friends for coming and that it was great working with them and he wished he could stay but that isn't what I and all the people there heard.
He stood in front of the group and began speaking normally, "I want to thank you all for coming and sharing this with me." I was smiling at his friends and nodding when he continued, "BUt the one I should really thank is my wife. I couldn't do my job... "And I looked over at him and he was looking right at me and his eyes were all glassy and he was getting choked up. He continued, "She puts up with a lot from me, stuff I do and my long hours at work and sports and things...so really, this is all for her. Thank you."

He looked like he wanted to cry and I stood there trying not to start bawling and looked over and the Commander (who knows everything about last year) was looking at me with the kindest smile and his look was telling me, "Be proud of yourself."

And everybody clapped for me and my husband. I think everyone else could see taht he was getting choked up because the party broke up pretty quickly after that, but everyone in the room said something to me and all the men shook my hand. My throat was tight and I couldn't stop smiling. Ack, I'm all teary eyed right now writing this just remembering it.

And I took your advice again by making sure he knew how much that meant to me. We had a wonderful afternoon together.

I can finally say with some form of confidence that I think we are going to make it.