I am feeling much better tonight. I shouldn't be feeling too badly when I leave in 27 hours for the airport!

I went to Walmart and returned a couple of size 20 items that did not fit me because they were too big. With my store credit I bought a red nightgown and matching robe in size LARGE. YEAH! LARGE! Woot! I looked great in it and I really can't wait to wear it for hubby.

Ok, so its after midnight and officially December 31st, so I will report my final weigh-in of December 2003--

189 pounds.
YES! A weight I haven't seen since 1995! And just one pound under my 2003 weight goal- which was to lose 40 pounds this year. I have now lost 39!!! So although 2003 was one of the suckiest years ever, I actually lost weight instead of gaining! YAHOO!

And I managed to fix my gpa and learn a bit of a foreign language. Also 2003 resolutions.

For 2004, I am focusing on a 50 pound loss. I believe I can do it.

I can do more in 2004!

Hmm...maybe this illness was a blessing. Just weighed in and well... I am looking forward to my final post on my weight tomorrow. The goal list to the right will give a nice clue. =)

Oops, J.J.... I went back and realized which counseling session you were talking about. The issues I mentioned before were brought up but the one I had to talk to my husband about was how to rebuild trust. You see, in October, when I was screaming at him that it was over and he was disgusting and I couldn't forgive him, he made himself a third email account. We reconciled but he kept this account to himself. I found it a day or two before Thanksgiving by accident- his cousin had forwarded an email to both of us and other family members and I realized his was an account I knew nothing about.

I tried to keep it to myself but I am *lousy* at that and ended up calling him about it Thanksgiving Day. He fessed up. I discussed it with my oldest and my son knew about that account. Apparantly, my husband was using it just to recieve email from family. At least, that is what my son saw in there. My husband felt he needed a space of his own in case things didn't work out (since I am still able to check his other accounts). We have discussed it over the phone and he says he is no longer using it. There's a whole bunch of other rigamarole attached to this issue as well that I just do not want to go into, so that's all I will say right now.

Bottom line is... rebuilding trust is terribly dificult when one of the partners hides things. Even if they are completely innocent things, not being used for deceitful behavior or innapropriate conduct, finding these little things throws the other partner for a loop. I need to get across to all wandering spouses out there that for true reconciliation, you need to watch your step. Think about everything you do. You may think it is no big deal and better not to say anything, but let me tell you, its still hurtful. Your spouse will begin to question everything again, its an enormous emotional trigger, and it can undermine almost everything you've built up before.

I was told recently that forgiveness isn't forgetting (and it isn't), but forgiveness really is giving up the 'right' or need to get even or exact some sort of revenge. I will never forget anything I have read, seen, or heard. But I can forgive and know that I do not need to inflict that sort of pain on my spouse to feel better. I can move beyond that and hopefully build something new.

I've heard from a few people that I am "too easy" on my husband. My own son told me that. I am really not sure what to say to that, really. How am I supposed to be hard? I can't physically beat him, as much as I've fantasized about slapping the ever-loving shit out of him. Why must I punish him? I am not his mother or his prison warden. You would think the loss of my pride in him as a husband, my loss of trust, and his guilt would be enough. In my forgiveness, I've removed the need for punishment and replaced it with a need for reconciliation. He has to work to earn my complete trust, regain my pride in him as a husband, and he has to overcome his own demons. For me, watching him go through that is simply enough.

His own sense of guilt could be a major barrier to our reconciliation. He has referred to himself as evil ( he is NOT), an "evil monster" (definately not, even though he thinks my parents think of him this way), and said he always manages to "screw it up" (ok, sorta, but hey, I was right there helping screw it up!). I could see him thinking he doesn't deserve my forgiveness (I feel he does) and just give up. Its a trap many cheating spouses (mal and female) fall into. Things seem so difficult and hopeless that it becomes much too overwhelming and they break free of the relationship thinking its best for everyone. I do not want him thinking things are hopeless.

I've forgiven him. He has to forgive himself.

I have to forgive myself for what I was responsible for in our marriage. I am 50% responsible for the state of my marriage and he was 100% responsible for his infidelity. In my letter I sent, I asked him to forgive me for what I have done during the last twelve years. I won't go into details here, but in my letter I did. I do not blame myself for what he chose to do. I don't think some people are seeing that... they see me beating myself up for what he did. It isn't like that at all. I do not know how I could make that more clear.

I am a loving person. I do not hold grudges for very long. Hell, I was recently reading the journal of an ex-girlfriend of a friend of mine hoping she was doing better. Apparantly she is and I was genuinely happy for her. I guess I will always believe that people can change when they are motivated to do so. I am finally changing old, old destructive habits. If I can do it, anyone can. Including the man I love.

For the New Year, I just hope that things work out the way I hope they do. And that's all I want others to wish for me.

My military paperwork arrived today. I faxed copies to Travis AFB and I am on the space A system. I set up my reservation for my ride from SF Airport to Travis AFB.

Watched Pirates of the Carribean for the fifth time.

Nyquil kicking in....time to go.

You know, I forgot to mention that my husband has not received his anniversary gift yet. Its funny, because now he is checking the mail every day waiting for it to show up. He has guessed that there is a letter of some sort in in it. I just hope that he doesn't think I sent his baseball cap as a gift. I have the baseball cap, but I am taking it to him myself in my luggage so I can watch him put it on his chrome dome.

There must have been a glut at the post office.

At one point I was inclined to believe he was just saying it hadn't shown up so he could avoid talking about the letter I wrote. I ditched that idea the next day, considering the fact he sounds positively happy now when I call and even sounds excited that I am almost home. You wouldn't avoid talking about a letter that made you happy...right? Plus the fact that my kids said they never saw anything either. If it had come, my son would be complaining he has had to listen to love songs all week (my husband has a habit of playing favorite songs over and over and over).

J.J. thanks for leaving the comment- just wanted to point out that the secret I'm harboring is only a secret from my parents. Everyone else knows. I'm going home to my family. And it is one of the reasons I was crying in that counseling session- I felt trapped here. But mostly the crying was over discussion of the sexual abuse I endured as a child and how that relates to the strained relationship I have with my parents. They still see my teenage pregnancy as a rebellious act against them, when, in truth, I became sexually active in a twisted attempt to prove there was nothing wrong with me. I hate talking about that, it reminds me of how powerless I have been feeling all these years.

Feeling a little better today. Still congested, but I got some extra sleep. Deposited my Christmas money ($95) and will be using that on Thursday to pay for food and travel expenses from Omaha to Travis AFB. I have all my contact numbers ready to go and will be calling for my reservation for van pickup at the San Fran airport in a moment. I am really hoping to get a place at the inn on base if possible. Much cheaper to stay there.

I'm off to make those reservations now and rest up some more.

Ugh, I have to write my letter to my parents and mail it out on Tuesday. I know I'm going to cry when I write it because they aren't even going to 'hear' me. They'll be too busy calling me a loser.

What's done is done, no turning back.

(and I did feel like a bad daughter keeping it to myself, but as my sister pointed out, I do not feel safe enough to be straight with them about this)

Well, I am back in Lincoln. Still alive and still harboring my secret. I told my sister in a twisted attempt to test her...I know, I know, crazy...she always seems to tell. But this time she didn't. Guess she knew this was a time bomb she didn't want to handle.

But she did hold it over my head if I tried to argue with her over her treatment of my parents and my brother-in-law. I don't understand her anger sometimes. I'm her complete opposite.

I managed to get sick for the first time in 5 months! I think I got it from someone on the plane to Houston. And I don't know what it is, but I can barely talk and allt he medications I have taken do barely anything to nothing for me. I've tried Aleve Cold & Sinus, Dayquil, Benadryl, Sudafed.... nothing seems to work. I am hoping some Nyquil will help me sleep tonight and breathe.

My husband is receiving a Navy Achievement Medal and is up for a Navy Commendation. He works very hard and he deserves it. What is great is I get to be there for the enlistment ceremonies and the award ceremonies.

Oh...I got all As in my classes this semester. A 3.86gpa. I am now above a 2.5 cumulative (THANK GOD)- something I thought would take the whole year. But now I can leave here knowing for a fact I can get into Old Dominion. And my hubby got to enjoy bragging about what I did!

My Marriage Builder ladies and my Other Place ladies have been great and they are letting me call them when I arrive in their respective areas during my next adventure.

Everyone pray and send great vibes that I do not get caught up in California and Hawaii for very long!!!

On the weight front...I managed to lose a pound over the holiday. YAY ME.
Time to catch up with everyone else....

I leave for home the morning of January 1st, 2004. I hope to get home by January 5.

I am trying not to start bawling.

Out of pride. Something I am still not used to.

So, let's go over what we know so far....

English Comp = A
Spanish 1 = A-

....and now....

Plains Literature = A

And I can't get through to my husband because the freaking phone's ringer is off again. The other two phones they had are busted and he hadn't replaced them. He's down to the simple green phone in our room...and it has a NASTY habit of getting its ringer slid off if you hit it wrong. And he was in a rush yesterday when I called him, so I am willing to bet it fell over, he pushed it back into place and the little ringer button was turned off. It happened to me all the time when I used it.
>later<
Ah, hell...I bawled anyway...

Going to take a nap. Im exhausted. Then get up and break down the computer and move the rest of my things out of the room. Check out is 2pm. Headed to Walmart for ziplock bags and packing tape, I'm then headed to the nearest post office to purchase a shipping carton for my belongings.

Then I'm meeting Shump at his house at 3:30 and we will head out to dinner with Justin and Chris and then to Return of the King at 7pm. Then I spend the night at their house and drive out in the morning to catch my Texas flight.

So, if you do not hear from me until December 28th, its because I can't get on here with some amount of privacy. I hope everyone has a great holiday season.

Send out good vibes and prayers for me and my family if you are willing.

My final for Spanish was a B+......

I GOT AN A- FOR MY FINAL SPANISH GRADE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ohmy gosh I have to call my husband!!!!!




>later<
My friends say its possible I made the Deans List this year...

Took my Spanish final- think I did ok. So I am pretty certain I have a nice solid B! I find out tomorrow at 5pm.

I really should have studied...its very possible I could have received an A. Ah well, live and learn. I'll definately be working harder for the second part of this next Spanish class. Im going to take it in Guam and its accelerated. Oh, boy.

I have to get up at 6:30am to get to class for my Sociology final at 7:30am. Friday I find out my Plains Lit grade.

I am kinda missing the weightlifting already. Decided to try to walk every day in Texas if I possibly. can. I think my sister even has her own treadmill. I'm going to bring my mp3 player and I just put some more good songs on it, so hopefully I can restart my walking workouts. While I am in California, I plan on walking around the base if the weather is nice.

I sure hope I don't get stuck in California for too long. I don't think I'd mind 4 days...but any longer I might flip out. :) They have a gym, too, and I can hit that during the day as well.

Here's to things going relatively smoothly from now on.

Thanks Sassy...I'm going to drop by your spot in a bit to make sure you know I appreciate the time you took to comment. A friend pointed out that withthe holidays, military packages, security matters, and plain old overseas postal lag...it oculd take upwards of a month to get to where it needs to be.

I'm still kind of holding my breath, ya know? And I don't want to. I really, really don't!

I have my Spanish final in 2 hours....and I haven't studied. HAHAHA. Im getting ready to, though...just skim over some things I have problems with. A friend of mine helped me figure out my percentage in my class according to the points I have so far...and I have an A-...so I could royally screw this test and still end up with a B. HAH!

Shortly after I wrote that entry, my husband called me.

After a small talk about my travel plans and such, the package was mentioned and I was listening to him talk...and I believe he is being sincere. Its so hard to tell over a phone though. And its moments like these, when you start to practice blind faith, where it really gets you. Its extremely difficult and terribly frightening. I know a few of my readers are going through this themselves. I know you can understand the anxiety, the stress, and the paranoia. Its not a good place to be in. I can only hope that things will get better. Because if they don't, I won't live like this.

Things should be more positive when I am home.

It is strange that the one who flips me out so much really is the only one who can calm me down. Guess its true, only the one that causes the pain, can take it away.

Forgot to mention I purchased a shirt on clearance from Old Navy. I managed to run into a small summer clearance racka nd found a short sleeved shirt made of very light material. Perfect for Guam.

Its our anniversary tomorrow. Well, its our anniversary there already. Too bad this one royally sucks.
NO card in the mail. Im guessing he should receive my mail as soon as he gets home in 6.5 hours. He said he would call me later. I purchased a ticket to San Francisco for the first of January-- Im trying to MAC it back. He has to fax me the EML papers so I can get signed up at the passenger terminal. I may get stuck there for a few days, but Im hoping God will have mercy on me and get me home in less than a week.

I saw "Something's Gotta Give". Good. Made me laugh and cry. I was the youngest person in the theater it looked like.

Not having a good evening. Remember that package he sent to his friend Joe on November 24? I spoke to Joe today and he said he's received nothing. So I am sitting here and letting my paranoia eat away at me. I keep thinking he has sent a gift to a woman I know nothing about. WHICH HE HAS NEVER DONE BEFORE. However, Joe did say my husband had told him he was going to send something. Then again, is three weeks reasonably expected on some packages sent from overseas?

This is the hardest part about rebuilding a relationship. You are just dying to trust but whenever little things crop up, you never know what to do. You feel like an awful person for immediately questioning everything, and then you feel like an idiot for wanting to take their word for it.

And then you have to ask yourself... just how many times can I say "Ok, from this point on, we're going to be fully honest." Because when you are dealing with someone who lies (and its their past that is telling you this), that "this point" keeps getting moved up. Its tiring, its frustrating... its heartbreaking.

I have had people say it isn't worth it. They are divorced now and happier. I have people who tell me its definately worth it to keep plugging away. They are still married and happier than ever. I have my children who say they do not want us divorced. But the real kicker is...my heart isn't ready to walk away yet. I will know when it is time.

I will know.

What a wonderful bit of news to wakeup to this morning! The capture of Saddam will hopefully end our time in Iraq very, very soon.

That's pretty much all I have to say right now. Today I begin studying a bit and then playing more EverQuest.

Been dealing with anxiety screwing up my food routine, but when I looked at the calories, I actually found that I am taking in enough calories to maintain my current weight and not gain. So I will probably not see a loss at all this week, but I am comfortable at 192 right now. I have been drinking a lot of soda the past few days. It may actually be good to go to Texas-- my family will be watching every damn thing I put in my mouth, so perhaps I can drop a couple pounds that week. Would be nice to be at 190 on New Years eve.

Later!

Had a great time with A. We came back from the movie armed with take out from Chipotle and watched Lilo and Stitch. Then turned the channel to find Desperado on! I watched what I could, but was getting tired so headed upstairs to my room.

Called my family and talked to my daughter a little,but she wanted to play with the cat instead and my son wanted to play his computer game. So me and hubby had a nice 40minute chat. He told me to call again tomorrow and we'd chat some more. He is busy playing Socomm 2 right now, working on his ranking so he can catch up with the rest of his group. I am supposed to try to learn how to play, but I am NOT good with those new joysticks. Remember the old Nintendo pad? Now those were the days I could play a video game...

During the chat, he was talking about places we could head to in the future, and it was nice to hear that. He did not use the word "if"-- but I know both of us were thinking it. He is actually encouraging me to finish my Bachelor's then applying to Law School. It is something I have been considering. Then he made a weird comment: "Yeah, you graduate then make me pay for all the bad things I've done." It got me wondering later if he feels like I need to even the score-- that I should give him some sort of punishment. Is his guilt telling him he is getting off way too lightly? Something to keep in mind. It was just an odd thing for him to say out of the blue like that. I asked how he thought I could make him pay, but he just chuckled and said he was just kidding/picking on me. Perhaps. And he did comment that it was going to be nice when there were two incomes...again, a reference to us still together in the future. I am really hoping this is his way of staying positive. He's been bringing up his retirement lately and we have discussed places we would like to live. It makes me feel better when we talk like this. Of course, I've been here before. I'm hyper aware of it.

He has no clue I sent him anything.

Ok, its almost 1:30am, so I am headed to bed in a bit. Later!

Just finished writing the letter that is accompanying my CD gift for my husband today. He should receive it on the day of our anniversary or the day after. Yeah, I wrote it and cried the whole time. I was honest and heartfelt and it hurt to put myself out there like that. I know how he is, however, and if I don't make myslf vulnerable first, he'll keep his wall up. I am praying that he will take my words to heart and try to stay positive about our future. It really is all I can do right now, is let him know I thoroughly believe that we can make it if we are dedicated. (and therein lies the rub... it requires both of us....)

Letting my eyes dry up so I can leave for my last Plains Lit class. Turning in my Final Paper, eating lunch, selling the last of my textbooks, sending off the CD, then heading back here to... totally veg out. My friend A is taking me to Chipotle tonight and then we are probably going to see Once Upon a Time in Mexico (we both love Johnny Depp) again. Then we'll come back and just totally loaf around. I'll probably play EverQuest all weekend when Im not with my friends.

Off to class I go...

No kidding, right?


You've had it rough, and your pain has taken over
every aspect of your life. Socializing doesn't
appeal to you because you don't feel
comfortable around other people. You probably
fear they might hurt you {either physically or
more likely, emotionally} You'd rather spend
your time alone...you feel isolated in the
world.


What Kind Of Woman Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Have my new license. I look hawt!
Time for the almost-daily phone call to hubby.
*******couple hours later*********
Breennaaaa...... guess what I did again?
Quite the pick me up ya know. Felt better immediately. And I managed to give him even more to think about at work. He promised he would. LOL!

I still live in fear he will tell me not to come home. How stupid is that?

I received an A for my English class. =)

Off to shower and change to go get my driver's license renewed.

Real fast note before dashing off to my last Spanish class.
Its happening again. That insiduous negativity is creeping up on me. My cycle starts again in a week and I felt myself getting very negative this morning. My husband had called to check in, but he was tired and really just interested in going to sleep. I am taking it personally-- I immediately start thinking he really doesn't want to talk to me, he must not want me to come home, he doesn't care... he must be doing something I don't know about....
Get the picture?
It is unfair. To him and to me. He's working very hard. He's usually dead by 9:30pm, but he tried to stay up to 10pm so he wouldn't wake me up too early to say "HI."
So, today I will try to remain positive and not let the negative tape running through my head bring me down. That and he told me to call him in the morning-- thogh I was so hurt by the short phone call that I've been toying with the idea of not calling at all. Oh, that's bad.

OK- off to class. I will get my English grade today and I'll report back in. Hoping for a B. =)

OH MY GOSH!!!!
My Plains Literature professor just emailed me to ask permission to use some of my work in her next course portfolio! And one of them is that poetry analysis. Good Lord!!!

OH MY GOSH! YAY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, here is where I stand on the weightlifting routine right now:
Its cold out, Im frazzled with tests and papers right now and I am finding myself actually pissed off and anxious to leave when I walk into the gym. I do NOT know what it is, so I am taking a temporary break.

Please understand, its *temporary*-- weightlifting will resume as soon as I am back in Guam. I do have facilities there available to me and hubby says I can build my own little weightlifting space at home. Also, in Guam, i will be back to using my treadmill and training for and participating in the 5k walks there for charity. I am not giving up on the fitness venue. NOT NOT NOT. =)

Today in a little private health forum I am in a woman was lamenting how she was losing very slowly. I have to say the changes she has made over the last year or so have been dramatic. And since its an issue I've been thinking about the past few days I am going to go ahead and post what I wrote to her (and myself).

Don't worry about the pace. Really. Try to concentrate on how you actually *feel* when you are on target for your own personal fitness/food goals.

I say this simply because although I know I need to lose another 70odd pounds... I've haven't felt this sexy in 12 years. Honestly. When I weighed 155 12 years ago, I was so fixated on how my husband thought I was fat, that I never really stopped to look at myself or feel good about who I was. I let it consume me just as I consumed the food that helped me gain 80 pounds in the last 12 years. Now I am much more fixated on the fact that I *love* my new hairdo, my new makeup, how much healthier I am eating (no more binges!!!). yes, I've lost only 6 real pounds this last 5 months, but I have now been told by three differant people (who don't even know each other) that I look better than the day I arrived. Its in the way I choose to dress now (I am tossing clothes I have owned for 6 years!), how I tatke the time to look good, and in how I feel about where I am at *now*.

Even with all the shit my husband has pulled in the last year, I'm getting through it stronger, better, and healthier.

We can do it. And its fine to do it right. And sometimes that does mean s-l-o-w.


Its true... I feel like a sex kitten compared to who I was in January. 36 pounds is NOTHING to sneeze at. I know I am fat. Duh. But do I *feel* ugly because of it? NO. Truthfully, I am finally starting to like -me- this person I've been afraid of getting to know. I am facing so many ugly things about my husband and so many ugly things about myself that it is actually a relief to finally feel, "Hey, damn, I feel great about where I am at physically right now."

I did NOT feel this good about myself when I weighed 165lbs back in 1991. Isn't that sad? I let the love of my life make me feel less of a woman because I didn't suit his needs at the time. And I carried that with me until this year. 12 years...and I am finally having a bit of clarity about who I really am. In 1991, no matter what I would have done, he would have felt trapped anyway- that's the nature of a marriage based on circumstance. I can't let his own issues cloud my self image anymore. And it finally isn't. His issues are not mine. His acceptance does not make me worthy. I already am. I just didn't know it.

So if I was asked if I'd rather be Mojo of '91 or Mojo of '03-- I can say today that I'd definately want to be Mojo '03. I'm not as depressed, I'm not as scared of life, and I am finally making decisions based on my needs, not someone else's. I am getting there. Its been a slow crawl to reality. Even with all this shit going on in my personal life, I am definately happier than I was in 1991.

I just got back from driving in the storm. I absolutely love my little truck. I slid a little like everyone else, but I was able to get out of snowdrifts and unshoveled areas with no problem at all. 4 wheel drive rocks!!!

So I talk to hubby and he's cracking me up because even though he is half asleep, one of the first things he asks about i whether I "finished" up after the maintanance men left yesterday. I mean really...just to get him a bit riled up I was non-commital about whether or not I did. He brought it up three times during our conversation, so I know he was sitting at work thinking about it.

Which is exactly why I do the things I do.
HAH! I WIN!

And since we had another conversation about it this morning, I know his mind will wander again today at work.
I WIN AGAIN! HAH!

=)

Hmmm...wait til the driving-while-getting-a-blow-job stuff starts happening....

I bebop out of the dorm and get a surprise. SNOW! Oh pretty! I smile the whole way to class, because it was soooo pretty and nice. We step out of Spanish class (during which the lights in the building had flickered twice) into a thick veil of falling snow. Oh, well...still pretty! The wind wasn't really gusting, the flakes were just very big. I walk to lunch at Selleck. Sit and read the USA Today paper while watching the snow outside. Realize the wind just picked up. In a big way. Hear some students near me chattering about the school closings in the state. Hmmm...

I leave to head to the gym and wham! Wind is really going to town. Where the snow was hitting my face, it stung. BAD. I walked the 15 minutes half-blind to my dorm. Didn't head to the gym when I remembered I didn't bring my lock- but the real thing was that the weather was getting nastier. I just wanted to get to my room. And hibernate.

We have 3 inches so far and expect another 3 by the end of the night. Things will be normal tomorrow supposedly- which is good since I have three classes.
Ok, off to nap and then work on the final paper so I can get rid of it.

Today after Spanish I will head to my English Comp professor's office to get my final grade. Wish me luck. And no, a B wouldn't kill me. I could not focus on that paper and Im experiencing it with this Plains Lit paper as well. Argh. Will finish that one this evening and be done with it.
Then begins the studying for the Spanish final. Flashcards for everyone!

Anyone have any ideas for good, inspiring walking songs? OH, I forgot to download Donna Summer's "She Works Hard for the Money"-- going to grab it now.

Heading to class in half an hour.

Went to see The Missing with Pat. Good film, gorgeous cinematography.
Called my husband earlier like I said. Phone sex seems to lighten the mood. Except when maintenance suddenly knocks on your door in the middle of it to fix your heater. *cough* I throw the vibrator under a bathrobe at the end of my bed. Forgot it was still on. Answer the door, tell 'em "Sorry, was going to take a nap and ended up talking on the phone with my husband." (they'd been by earlier, but I didn't expect them back so I had my lights and such off) I sit on the bed and watch as they start replacing the heater's motor... start wondering why it feels like my bed is vibrating. Sit there desperately trying not to giggle and figure out how Im going to shut the bugger off without them noticing. End up pretending to be folding my laundry and manage to get it turned off. They don't notice a thing.

After they leave (heater still doesn't work, but they gave me a space heater for tonight), I call back hubby and we both get a chuckle. We don't resume because he has to get our daughter to school and get to work. Our messing around made them both late. =)

And I think that is my embarrassing moment of the week.

Thought you might get a chuckle, too.

Its time for bed. I didnt get to watch Battlestar Galactica because SciFi channel is not coming in at all tonight. Lots of static. I'll try to catch it when they replay it all wekend (Im pretty sure they will, anyway).

I'm in a funk so this afternoon I only did my arms at the gym. I will do my legs tomorrow after Spanish class.
10 minute warmup walk
Lat Pulldown 12@70# 15@70# 15@70#
Tricep Extension 12@ 30# 7@30#- said screw it and walked away. *sigh*
Lateral Raise 12@30# 15@30# 15@30#
Rear Delt Pec Fly 12@30# 15@30# 15@30
Delt Pec Fly 12@30# 15@30# 12@30#
Vertical Chest 12@50# 15@50# 12@50#
10 minute cool down walk =P

Im calling my husband in 15 minutes because I'm blue. Haven't talked to him since Saturday morning (he didn't call back) and I'm feeling lonely and neglected. Yeah, I know... suck it up. I think I will feel better after talking to him.

Thanks Brenna for the reminder. =) I read a USA Today article onthe show and well... I'm not too impressed with what I am hearing.

Watched Pirates of the Carribean for the third time. I heart Johnny Depp. Yummmmmmmm.
DO NOT LET ME FORGET BATTLESTAR GALACTICA PREMIERE MONDAY NIGHT!!!!!!!!
That is all for now.
More tomorrow.

Well, the essay is almost finished but Im taking a break. Think I will finish it tomorrow. I am already sick of it.

Got a quick phone call from my father checking on me. I hate not telling them, but Im not willing to deal with the fallout I know will follow.

Listening to the Anniversary CD I created. I will be mailing it out on Monday. It should arrive on our anniversary. Yes, its still making me weepy, but what doesn't nowadays?

Getting ready to log in to EverQuest. Mayb some mindless mayhem will get me through the night.

I had a lot of fun last night with the guys. I realized just how much I had missed them. Luke and Shump are letting me stay at their house the two days before I leave for Guam, so I don't have to spring for a hotel. Muy bueno.

Hubby called me this morning to check on me. Says he'll call again later. I wonder if he has noticed I haven't touched his email accounts in almost two weeks? Just haven't had the need.

Today I'll be heading to the gym to walk two miles on the track. Going to use the pedometer. I am so glad I got it working, now I can use it to train for the 5k walks we'll be doing in Guam. If my parents ask me what I want for Xmas, I'll ask them to pool their money with my sister and me and head to Lady Footlocker. I really would like some proper walking shoes. If they each gave me $20, my grandma always gives me $10 (I have no clue why, LOL), I could get a pair for $80 by providing the rest. That would be awesome. I am certain there will be some great sales going on during that time.

Getting ready to meet the girls for lunch. Its going to be a low calorie day today, so my free day last night doesn't even matter. Pretty damn cool.

Working on the final paper for Plains Lit today and tomorrow. I'd love to finish it today if possible. If not, I still have four more days...but I am so sick of trying to focus on school I will try to pound it all out today.

Later!

Yes, the flu has officially arrived on our campus. And I just realized I slept through my counseling session. OOPS. Totally forgot about it. That's ok, though, I really didnt want to walk through the Health Clinic which has been swamped with sick people since Thanksgiving break ended on Monday. I'll reschedule later this month.

26 days left!

Oh my goodness! I got my pedometer working! I don't know what I finally did correctly,but its working! So, I'm going to set it when I leave and measure the distance I walk from here to my first class. How fun! I bought this thing back in June and couldn't get it to work and suddenly I figure it out? Weird. =)

Today I have all three classes. Then I turn in my cable box and give them my Guam address to send my last bill to and come back and work on my essay. Then head to dinner with my housemates and then off to my buddy Luke's house to play MAGE until midnight.

I called hubby this morning and he has been looking at vacation packages for two for us. If we can;t spend time together as a family in Hawaii (because of our kitty) when we rotate, he says we will go together this summer when the kids visit their grandparents. I was sort of hoping for a whitewater rafting trip, but hey, how can I complain about Hawaii? Especially when he listed what we would be doing (the volcanoes, waterfalls, Maui, boogieboarding). I have aquaintances in Hawaii I could give a call to so I could finally meet them in person. That would be awesome.

Today has started out on a really good note. Its only 8a,m and I've already made two people laugh this morning. Yay me.

Day Two of Week 5 (won't be a day three, but that's ok, as long as I keep moving!)-
10 minute warmup walk
Lat Pulldown 12@75# 15@75# 12@75#- new weight
Tricep Extension 12@ 30# 15@30# 12@30#
Lateral Raise 12@30# 15@30# 15@30#
Rear Delt Pec Fly 12@30# 15@30# 15@30
Delt Pec Fly 12@30# 15@30# 12@30#
Vertical Chest 12@50# 15@50# 12@50#
Leg Extension 12@65# 12@65# 12@65-- this is still very difficult for me --ow!
Seated Leg Curl 12@65# 15@65# 15@65#
Leg Press 12@175# 15@175# 15@175#
Hip Abduction 12@100# 15@100# 15@100#- new weight
Hip Adduction 12@65# 15@65# 15@65#
Abdominal Machine 12@60# 15@60# 15 @60#
10 minute cooldown walk.

Its relatively empty in the gym during this time. I might start going after lunch from now on- especially since on Tuesdays and Thursdays I no longer have English Comp, which frees that time to eat lunch and head to the gym after a bit. Yeah, that's a plan.

Oh boy...I'm watching that show on MTv - Rich Girls...Hilfiger's daughter is one of them. I had to laugh at them trying to figure out the gas tank and how to pump gas into their Land Rover. Why the heck am I even interested? I guess maybe so I can know that money doesn't make you any smarter than the average Jane. Its obvious these girls are clueless...

Well, must work more tonight on the paper for Plains Lit. I'm worried about it, but I'll get it done. I just think that most of what I have done this semester sucks...and then I remind myself that I've been dealing with a hell of a lot more than the average student. So its alright.

Ugh..so Im sitting here waiting for my breakfast to settle before heading to the gym...and I suddenly don't feel so well. And I've been around my housemate who came back from Thanksgiving with the flu. Oh no... I don't want to be sick!! NO! NOT NOW.

Don't worry, Im going to take a nap, head to class at 10:30, have lunch and drop by the gym on my way home.

I have found the perfect replacement for soda aside from my Minute Maid Light Lemonade. Lipton Tea. Yeah, yeah, I know, tea's been around forever and I used to drink it all the time...but its being offered at the soda fountain now and when I eat in the cafeteria, that's what I get. Its a perfect replacement when all I want is caffeine but not all those calories.

I find myself rarely craving the soda anymore. Its a nice treat, of course, but its so nice to go through a day and not feel I *need* that fix.

Looks like 27 days before I leave for home!

Heading to the gym in 45 minutes.

Oh, and last night I actually went over 1400 calories- I got the munchies and had a lean cuisine pocket (chicken parmesan is my favorite). I remember when I used to eat an entire meal in the middle of the night....

I am getting back on my original workout days, so I am going weightlifting in the morning. Since I don't have Spanish in the a.m., I'll do my workout then head to my last Composition class. Today I've kept my calories below 1300, so its cool. If I'd been closer to 1500-1600 like usual, I would have probably headed to the gym tonight, but since my calorie deficit is just fine for the day, I'm not going to worry about it.

Watching Sex and the City. Where do they get these awful outfits?

I think my husband and I are going for the phone sex record or something...
Anyhoo...
Just got back from Walmart to purchase my poor person's glasses. I actually think they are really nice. I pick them up around December 11, then head to get my Nebraska's driver license. My Kentucky one expires on my birthday next year.
Thank God hubby finds glasses on women sexy. I might have to wear them more often.

Well, today I have to finish up all these articles our Plains lit teacher saddled us with and then type up two self assessments for two other classes. I think self assessments are beyond stupid. What grade should I get? An A. No kidding. A fucking A!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jeepers, why do they even bother!

Feeling better. Thank you everyone for your support...it really helped me get through that awful week.

Day One of Week 5-
10 minute warmup walk
Lat Pulldown 12@70# 15@70# 15@70#-
Tricep Extension 12@ 25# 15@25# 6@30#
Lateral Raise 12@30# 15@30# 15@30#
Rear Delt Pec Fly 12@30# 15@30# 15@30
Delt Pec Fly 12@30# 15@30# 12@30#
Vertical Chest 12@50# 15@50# 12@50#
Leg Extension 12@65# 6@65# -- real week today...not enough sleep
Seated Leg Curl 12@65# 15@65# 15@65#
Leg Press 12@175# 15@175# 15@175#
Hip Abduction 12@90# 15@90# 15@90#
Hip Adduction 12@65# 15@65# 15@65#
Abdominal Machine 12@60# 15@60# 15 @60#
10 minute cooldown walk.

Thanks to Kim who accompanied me. I was so busy with my presentation, I almost skipped out.

Watching Georgie Girl on TCM while I type this....
Ok, today was weigh-in day.... *drumroll please*....

192 pounds. And a total of 5 inches lost off my frame!

YAY ME!!! That brings my total loss to 36 pounds!

So, I am only 4 pounds away from my 2003 New Years resolution. 188, here I come!

Almost finished with the presentation. I am going to draw goofy pictures to go along with my Puerto Rican history. You know, mean old Christopher Colombus and pirates and all that jazz.

Once I am done I will feel like I can go weightlifting.

Hopefully I will be home in 31 days.

Ok, book read, article read, reading response written. Essay will be completely done tomorrow as will the last reading response for that.
And then, yay! While sitting in the library I decide to do the presentation for my Spanish class on Puerto Rico and I have mine on Tuesday. HAHAHA IM NUTS HAHAHHAHAHA!
Oh well, I know I won't be the absolute worst presenter and at least I found a book of photos taken in Puerto Rico that I can show as a prop. Uh, yay?

Walked about a mile and a half today.

Off to work on the Puerto Rico presentation.

I grabbed my Plains Lit syllabus to make sure I had downloaded the correct articles for reading responses and got a major shock. The articles were for Friday. I was supposed to read a book, Green Grass, Running Water for tomorrow. I have the book sitting here in front of me, so I'll be reading until its finished. Luckily, its a short one and I should have it done, say, in about 5 hours. Guess I know how I will be spending this morning!