I'm sick, sick, sick of this Composition essay. So I'm happy to say I've put it to bed. All that needs doing now are the author notes. Shouldn't take long at all.

Now to work on my Spanish presentation and then begin the other Final paper I have to write that is due on December 12th. I'll begin the other paper tomorrow. As soon as Im done with the Spanish stuff I think I am going to play some EverQuest to relax.

My next counseling session is on December 5. I don't know how I feel about it, really. I'm someone who is geared towards solutions...and so far its just been me gabbing and her asking questions every so often. I know the military counselors are more solution-based, so I look forward to that. Here though, I don't really feel I am getting anything out of it. I can tell my friends the same things I tell her (in fact I have!). She has pointed some things out to me. In the end, though, I'm not sure this type of counselor is what I need.

Well, I've had worse days, so I am not going to complain about this one.

Day 3 of Week 4-Here is my 10am workout for today:
10 minute warmup walk
Lat Pulldown 12@70# 15@70# 15@70#-
Tricep Extension 12@ 25# 15@25# 12@30#
Lateral Raise 12@30# 15@30# 15@30#
Rear Delt Pec Fly 12@30# 15@30# 15@30
Delt Pec Fly 12@30# 15@30# 12@30#
Vertical Chest 12@50# 15@50# 12@50#
Leg Extension 12@65# 12@65# 12@65#
Seated Leg Curl 12@65# 15@65# 15@65#
Leg Press 12@175# 15@175# 15@175#
Hip Abduction 12@90# 15@90# 15@90#
Hip Adduction 12@65# 15@65# 15@65#
Abdominal Machine 12@50# 15@60# 15 @60#
Then a mile and a half walk around campus.

Off to have lunch and work on assignments.

I'm going to have to replace the batteries in my toy if my husband and I keep this up. Right now he is settling down for a nap and after this post Im headed to sleep myself.

Finished my essay. Putting the cited sources together tomorrow and heading out to get the sources photocopied (per her instructions). Started putting the Spanish presentation together. I'll finish it tomorrow and begin memorization then. Will probably head to the gym in the morning, its open again tomorrow.

Very low calorie day today, so I didn't go for a walk.

My husband said a couple things today in chat and on the phone that leads me to beleive we are finally on the same page. I think we are ready to work as a team.

Looks like 35 days til I am home.

Well, that thing I needed to talk to my husband about has been settled. The talk went surprisngly well. It wasn't easy, and there were moments that I had to keep from crying, but it all worked out by the end of the two hour conversation. I am feeling a bit better and hope this is the last bump I hit while being here in Nebraska. Now I need to focus on studying and keeping the good grades I have so far- and on my fitness routine.

This was a better Thanksgiving then I expected.
We had our discussion this morning. Then we ended it with the usual kinky talk... I know, we're weird. Or just horny.

An hour later I was able to have a small meal with the grads here and then ate in my room for dinner. Walked a mile to see Intolerable Cruelty and walked the mile back home.

My parents called to check on me.

Then my husband called me to tell me Happy Thanksgiving. I really wasn't expecting it, so it made me feel even better. I was sure since we had talked ten hours previously I wouldn't hear from him for another day. Then he told me I can call him tomorrow. No, I don't need permission. =) Its just that I had been calling almost every day and its really racking up the long distance charges. I think he is understanding now (because of the talk) why I have needed the connection so much.

I downloaded most of the songs I wanted for the anniversary CD. I'm so glad I went ahead and talked to him and didn't wait to do it until I got home. It is making waiting to go home slightly easier.

So I am feeling better. I want to thank those who wrote me. You really did help.

Here's my workout for today at 8:00pm- my friend Kim went to the gym with me:
10 minute warmup walk
Lat Pulldown 12@70# 15@70# 15@70#-
Tricep Extension 12@ 25# 15@25# 7@30#
Lateral Raise 12@30# 15@30# 15@30#
Rear Delt Pec Fly 12@30# 15@30# 15@30
Delt Pec Fly 12@30# 15@30# 12@30#
Vertical Chest 12@50# 15@50# 12@50#
Leg Extension 12@65# 12@65# 12@65# -
Seated Leg Curl 12@65# 15@65# 15@65# -
Leg Press 12@175# 15@175# 15@175#
Hip Abduction 12@85# 15@85# 15@85# - forgot that i had a new weight.
Hip Adduction 12@65# 15@65# 15@65#
Abdominal Machine 12@50# 15@50# 15 @50# - LOVE THIS ONE....new
10 minute cool down walk

Still feeling down, but was able to talk a bit to my family today. Tomorrow I will probably eat out or something. Maybe not, I'm unsure. Offered hubby to help me get myself to sleep tonight (he laughed, how I do love to make him laugh), but he had to decline because our kids had friends over so he wouldn't really be in a position to be having phone sex in our room while kids are running around. So I told him he can help me tomorrow when he calls and he perked up and said "Ok! That'll work" or something like that...

Putting together a music cd of love songs for my husband's anniversary gift. I go from feeling good about it to feeling depressed because... my life is a bit fucked up right now and some of these songs remind me just how fucked up its gotten.

I'm still doing it. I think he will like it. Its cheap and easy. Maybe he will make me one for when I get home.

Probably not.

Men are stupid like that.

I started cleaning the room and realized I hadn't eaten and then I found that I had enough stickers to get a free Subway 6" sandwhich. So I walked the half mile to Suway, ate lunch, and walked back. So I've had my one mile walk already today. I also weighed myself on the scale I use in the Union and people...its good news. I wasn't expecting it, but I had hoped to see it because when I dressed this morning, I noticed my waiste looked a lot different. Curvier and smoother than before...

So next Monday I will walk back up there before class and weigh myself again and report in.

39 days max before I am home.

Ok, I got a little nap in and a good cry. Thank you (((Brenna))). I do not feel like a strong person right now, since it feels like I cry at the drop of a hat. I know this will look differantly when I am home with my husband and my children. I think the loneliness and paranoia are just eating away at me- the powerlessness has a nice stranglehold on me as well. I will never be in this type of situation again. I have some plans in mind and I can place them in motion when I get home. Here...I'm spinning my wheels again. Ok, maybe not, since it looks like I may leave the University with two Bs and 2 As in my pocket, new friends I have had the honor of making, and even a new outlook on what I need and want in my life. I guess I feel trapped here- and that is the way I never want to feel again.

Well, I am up and about to put some music on. My friend Pat bought The Beatles 1 album and in his Jeep last night he said, "Here listen to this its a good one." He played John Lennon's "We Can Work It Out"- it was perfect. I'm including it in the anniversary CD I am making for my husband. He isn't sending me anything.

I know this because I saw a charge at the postal service for a package and I thought it was a gift for me. Well, when I asked, he said it was for his friend Joe and his family. Then he said, "Why would I send you anything when you are coming home?" Yeah, I know... my friend Pat laughed at that and shook his head. He said something like, "Your husband really doesn't know the right thing to say, does he?"

You have no idea.

Ok, music playing...I am getting this room cleaned.

I didn't go weightlifting yesterday, as I was having a very bad personal experience after the counseling session. Its something that can't be dealt with until I return home, so I have to bide my time, keep some of my thoughts to myself, and just try to work it out in my head for now. I am not wired to keep things to myself, but I've been counselled to not deal with this until I am face to face with my husband, and I think that is the wisest thing. This isn't something that can be discussed over the phone. It will have to be with us looking each other in the eye and facing unpleasant truths. I haven't mentioned it at all to my husband and I spoke to him twice yesterday- one call with me crying and the later one with me more calm.

My friend Pat knew I was upset and he was great- he stuck around here even though he could have gone home to visit his family. He took me to Tico's (we tried to find Kim, but she wasn't around) and we talked about things, examining the male and female perspectives (in a very general way) and then we came back and watched Xmen2 with Spook and Kim on the big screen downstairs. We missed having Sofie and Christina around.

I checked the gym hours and they are open today, so I'll be heading there later this morning, perhaps around 11:30 or so. They are closed on Thursday and Friday, so I will just have to use my cables and dumbbells in my room on Thursday and walk to the movies as my exercise. I'll be skipping the popcorn and soda and just bring a can of my Lemonade. I was planning on seeing Intolerable Cruelty. My husband says he was going to see The Haunted Mansion with our daughter (our son doesn't want to see it) and he said he would call tonight to tell me if its worth seeing. If it is, I'll go see that on Friday. But first, I will have had to put in my time on my homework-- otherwise, no movie, no EQ.

My husband got the schedule for the next session with the University of Maryland and there were two classes I needed- including Elementary Spanish II. So hopefully I can take that- it would leave me with just one more year of Spanish requirement at my next University. And it would keep me from forgetting what I have learned so far.

I realize I am slipping into a depression. I just got a good look at my room and its filthy. So I am going to clean it before I leave to go anywhere. It should help me feel a little better. Maybe.

Well, I woke up earlier than I expected, so I am going to crawl back into bed and hide for a little bit longer. The phrase "my heart is heavy" applies here. Feels like I could spend the rest of the day just doubled over in bed, crying. I need to keep a reign on this.

Well, Day One of my 7-pounds in 30 days was successful. I was on target with my calories and even got in two miles of walking. Today I have weightlifting to do and I am adding a new abdominal machine I noticed as I was leaving the gym on Sunday.

For a motivator, I played dress up in the new clothes I bought for Guam. And I told myself, "Yes, they look fine now, but think of how great they will fit and feel if you can hit 188!" So I am motivated at the moment to make the best of the next 29 days.

I haven't been under 190 in 9 years. It sure would be nice to get off that plane in the 180s and see my husband smile at me with pride. And think, my daughter has never seen me weigh less than 200 pounds.

I got a B- on the Spanish quiz I thought I failed. I have no clue how I am doing that...

Spanish Oral Exam today... I'm off to study a bit and have my bagel and orange juice for breakfast. Meeting Pat and Kim for lunch at 12:15, a 2pm counseling session, then hitting the gym for weightlifting afterwards. I think I may even make myself walk a mile on the track upstairs before heading home.
Only mile because I walk a mile and a half today just walking around campus. But hey, if I feel up to two miles, I will go for it, promise!

Walked a total of two miles today- but not on the gym track. Outside, in the cold, half of it uphill walking around campus. Calorie count good for today.

Feeling less emotional today. Just feeling embarrassed about my overreaction. It happens every month and each time it catches me of guard, even when I know its coming. Still fighting off this bug. I would really love it if I fought it off- I have NEVER gone more than a month without being sick and would love to be able to go home with 5 non-sick months behind me. Hubby joked that as soon as I walk in the door here I will get sick. He is probably right- I'll be around the germs the kids bring in from school. Well, at least I can keep up with the exercising- maybe that will help. Maybe trying to stay out of the house more would be good.

Getting ready to go watch Dreamcatcher with Pat and Kim. Taking my 5 calorie Minute Maid Light Lemonade and my 94% fat free Pop Secret Popcorn along with me so I avoid the chocolate snacks and Pepsi machine down there in the kitchen. Then I need to wash my dishes, clean my room and get ready for tomorrow. Oral exam in Spanish and a rough draft workshop in Composition. Then a counseling session at 2. Then finished for the day. Will begin working on editting my essay and putting together my Spanish presentation before playing EverQuest for a couple hours. I am thinking of going to see Intolerable Cruelty at the movie theater tomorrow night. $2. I have change saved up specifically for movie nights!

Been thinking aobut a lot of things. Trying not to let it get me down. Stay positive...

I made myself go to the gym today. Week 4, Day One of my weightlifting program began today- I had planned to continue with the same weights as the last couple weeks, but once I sat down at the first machine, something told me to just try...so I did.
Here's my workout for today at 8:30pm (brrrrr..it was very cold outside!):
10 minute warmup walk
Lat Pulldown 12@70# 15@70# 15@70#- OOF..new weight
Tricep Extension 12@ 25# 15@25# 7@30#
Lateral Raise 12@30# 15@30# 15@30# oof- new weight
Rear Delt Pec Fly 12@30# 15@30# 15@30 new weight
Delt Pec Fly 12@30# 15@30# 15@30# new weight
Vertical Chest 12@50# 15@50# 15@50# went to 15 on the third set, staying at this, its hard
Leg Extension 12@65# 12@65# 12@65# - this still is tough to accomplish, staying
Seated Leg Curl 12@65# 15@65# 15@65# - same as above
Leg Press 12@175# 15@175# 15@175# new weight- felt this in my butt!
Hip Abduction 12@85# 15@85# 15@90# - able to do 90 on third set, this will be my new weight
Hip Adduction 12@65# 15@65# 15@65# - new weight
10 minute cool down walk

Tomorrow I plan on trying to do the Gilad show that I taped. Let's see how that works out.

I want this period to be over- I am so depressed with this one. Caught myself calling myself a loser, big pathetic bitch, a bad wife, bad mom.... you say it, I said it tonight. I need to go home.

Its all I think about. I can barely focus on my work sometimes... blah.

In this episode of Gilad, he had his mom in it. I just found my new aerobic workout show.

Shocker of shockers- I go to the Health Channel to see what Gilad's Bodies in Motion show is like. Imagine my surprise when I see a heavy woman with almost my exact body shape doing the exercises with him as well as an 'older' woman in her forties. Of course there were two real lookers in there, but I have to say, if this is normal for his show, I might have to start keeping an eye on it when we get to Virginia (we don't get the Health Channel in Guam). There is another episode right after this one, so Im going to see if there is an average woman or man included in the next.

Finished one mini-project this morning. I have a lot of writing to do on my English essay for Comp- its on women and weightlifting- and another reading response for that class as well. Then I have a meeting tonight with a couple of classmates for our presentation on Tuesday. After the presentation I am headed to the library for some books then going to the gym for my weightlifting workout. I am continuing my week 3 workout and adding weight next week. Tonight I also begin formulating my Spanish presentation script. Luckily, my next door housemate is helping me with it so I get it right- she speaks fluent Spanish.

I have to say...this Gilad's program actually seems doable. Of course, Im seeing the end of the show, so I'll check out the beginning in the next one...decided to record it so that if I like it, I could use it as a workout.

Daredevil was just...awful.

Ok, off to work on my weight goal stuff and then on my essay a bit more today.

OH NOs! HELP ME! I've lost my mind! I RENTED DAREDEVIL. It must be PMS... I'm so bored I'm watching Ben Afflek in leather...so I thought I needed punishment for this heinous crime and called my son and told him what I'm watching right this minute...

OH HEY..wait a sec..ok that part is cool. The way the boy is seeing with soundwaves..... ok that's nifty....

Anyway, he laughed at me and it made me feel better. Ok, off to watch this. =)

I am on my menses and as usual, I am a bit of an emotional wreck. Hubby started asking me this week if I was sure about leaving school and I took it the wrong way. Ended up crying on the phone for a bit because I was certain my son and hubby (who had a discussion about me quitting school) didn't want me to come home. They are both just worried that I'll stop going to school completely, which isn't my plan. So when they said that, I started crying saying they think I'm a loser and they don't believe in me. Hubby ended up in a bewildered state, saying over and over that isn't what they are saying at all. I just chose to take it personally.

After awhile I calmed down. Told them I am absolutely dedicated to finishing my degree- swore on my children's lives that I will finish. I know that a part of me wanted my family so excited about me coming home that they wouldn't even stop to think about it, but that isn't fair- this is real life, and everyone worries. Why should I be the only one who worries? But it does shame me that my past behavior is what has them spooked. This must be how it feels for hubby every time I feel the need to check his email accounts or when he has to account for his time. Its no fun, but its necessary. The only way I can prove it is to get there and do it. No more stalling, no more excuses...make it happen.

He was also worried I would resent him for 'having to' return home from here due to his bizarre, hurtful mistake in October. He's worried I'll transfer to Virginia, start going to school there and then have the two of us not be able to work out and then I'll resent him for having left this University. Of course, he doesn't know I have a plan already in place for that situation. I have to be realistic, right? Besides, we're taking time on this (hopefully, Lord) and if we do spend the 'proper' amount of time piecing this all back together, I'll be finished with school. That isn't the future I am seeing, but I am preparing for it just the same.

I simply do not want to be here anymore. I need to be with my family. I could easily see myself staying here the rest of the year and completely self destructing. It sort of happened this week, due to anxiety and sadness... I can't do a whole semester of that. I'd much rather be there, going to classes on base and dealing with the day to day of family, home, and relationships, having no time of my own. Here, I sit in my room feeling guilty about simply being here. I've been feeling guilty since the day I left.

My problems are all over the place and so are my emotions. I can't focus on the majority of them here. So its time to go home and get to work on them there. He pushed me away and I ran, and we both managed to put our kids in a bad place. I need to help rectify that.

I need to.

And on to other more trivial things....
Thanks to JAC and a discussion later with my husband, I've decided to gun for a more realistic 120 instead of the waif-like 110. What is interesting is that I know if I continue to weightlift, my 120 pound body could look like a strong 110. So more the better. =) Again, thanks JAC for pointing it out... it was something I was kind of mulling over and your advice helped me talk to my husband about it (before the wetworks) and he agreed with you. Then he said he'd been telling me that from day one (true) and he commented that I tend to listen to others advice before his (kinda true). Its a bad habit I need to work on.

So, I'm adjusting my goals. Also, making am mini goal. Since I can't seem to get over this 194/5 hump, I'm going to try to get to 190 by December 20. It means actually busting my ass- I'm good with the weightlifting, its time to really, really start walking my 2 miles 5X a week again. Especially now that I have my new mp3 player- no excuses. They have a track at the gym I can walk around on if I can't get a treadmill- I can even try to do walk run intervals if I wanted to. Hopefully I won't get sick- I feel like I am coming down with something- wouldn't you know its 3 days after I visit the hospital???

And if anyone is wondering, we ended the conversation on a much lighter note... phone sex w/ a toy involved is kinda fun....
bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Today's workout at 11:00am-
10 minute warmup walk
Lat Pulldown 12@65# 15@65# 15@65#
Tricep Extension 12@ 25# 15@25# 12@25#
Lateral Raise 12@25# 15@25# 15@25#
Rear Delt Pec Fly 12@25# 15@25# 15@25
Delt Pec Fly 12@25# 15@25# 15@25
Vertical Chest 12@50# 15@50# 12@50#
Leg Extension 12@65# 12@65# 12@65#
Seated Leg Curl 12@65# 15@65# 15@65#
Leg Press 12@170# 15@170# 15@170#
Hip Abduction 12@85# 15@85# 15@85#
Hip Adduction 12@60# 15@60# 15@60#

Then I walked a mile to a seminar I had to attend downtown. Then walked the mile and a half home.

Trying very hard not to keep sadness and anxiety from derailing me. Today was the official end of Week 3... Week 4 begins on Sunday.

I just saw my recorded Survivor- those bastards kicked out the coolest man on the island. Lil's stock with me just plummeted. ARGH!!!!!!!!
In other news... received my flight confirmation from my Dad. An instead of buying a one-way tocket like I was going to get, he bought a round trip one. It may be possible I can push it to December 31st, which was my plan to fly home.... I'll check on it while I am down there.


I just want to go home. Period. Guess I'll have to just suck it up and wait...

Very sad today. Sofie leaves in the morning and we had a nice dinner (me,Christina, Pat, Kim and Sofie) at the Olive Garden.

Then I had to put on hold going home for Xmas due to financial constraints (and airline availability) so Im going to Texas for the Xmas break. My father took over and bought my ticket to Houston. Im dying to tell them I am going home but I know I just can't- the fallout will be violent and nasty, so I just can't do it right now. Let me have one civilized holiday, get home and then tell them.

Didn't weightlift to day due to scheduling and Sofie leaving, so will be doing my routine Friday afternoon after a seminar at the Cornhusker Hotel.

*sigh* Im depressed...I just added another 12 days until I am home....

Here's the before picture. And my hair now.

Weighed in at 195 today at the hospital. Went and got prescriptions for my cat allergy so I am good to go! It was weird driving around Omaha and I even considered driving in my old neighborhood, but I was afraid to accidentally see my abuser at his house, so I decided against it.

Watching Aliens tonight with the gang, spending time with Sophie tomorrow since she has to leave Friday. =(

Off to work on my English essay (one of them, anyway).

Today's workout at 8:30pm-
10 minute warmup walk
Lat Pulldown 12@65# 15@65# 15@65#
Tricep Extension 12@ 25# 12@25# 12@25#
Lateral Raise 12@25# 15@25# 12@25#
Rear Delt Pec Fly 12@25# 15@25# 12@25
Delt Pec Fly 12@25# 15@25# 12@25
Vertical Chest 12@50# 15@50# 12@50#
Leg Extension 12@65# 15@65#
Seated Leg Curl 12@65# 15@65# 15@65#
Leg Press 12@170# 15@170# 15@170#
Hip Abduction 12@85# 15@85# 15@85#
Hip Adduction 12@60# 15@60# 15@60#
10 minutes cool down walk

Also walked a total of two miles. =) A went with me again today.

Headed out to Walmart with friends. Hasta lluego!

Stress with my father again. Why can't they just refuse to say anything and say, "Hope it works out the way you want it to." I intimated I was going to Guam for Xmas (I was vague about it and even tried to make it sound like just a possibility) and well, by his email, I can see he is trying not to go ballistic. *sigh* You are going to be pissed at me for wanting to see my kids on Xmas? Geez. I hate even telling half truths...it makes me feel like a jerk.

Lots of walking today and will be weightlifting tonight after working on a group project at the Student Union.

It seems that after two-three days of no soda, I go ahead and have some. And hey, that's not so bad, really. Its livable. =)

Later!

My hair turned out great and so far the response is overwhelmingly positive. I'm no longer frump girl.

Now if I can just get used to my own reflection!

I remembered to bring my Minute Maid light lemonade with me in my backpack so I haven't had any soda for three days now! Yesterday I had a headache for just a tad, but it went away shortly before I left for the gym.

I think I'm going to let myself play some EQ tonight after finishing up some English homework.

Last night after I went to bed I got another call from hubby. He's still very sick but he called to ask me how to make my mac&cheese casserole. So I gave him instructions while he did it. I don't know... I think he may have called just to hear my voice- my son knows how to make that dish! He called me in the middle of the night yesterday, too. I'm not complaining, but I guess not calling him everyday was a good move on my part, even if I still do have the urge all the time.

Feeling very good about myself today. I'm so vain!

Today's workout at 8:00pm.
10 minute warmup walk
Lat Pulldown 12@65# 15@65# 15@65# (this replaces my compound row and cable pulldown- the lat pulldown works both muscle groups the others dealt with including the abs- and I had trouble reaching the cable handles)
Tricep Extension 12@ 25# 12@25# 12@25# (I finally was able to do a third set!)
Lateral Raise 12@25# 15@25# 12@25#
Rear Delt Pec Fly 12@25# 15@25# 12@25
Delt Pec Fly 12@25# 15@25# 12@25
Vertical Chestset 12@50# 15@50# 12@50#
Rotary Torso 12@40# 15@40# 12@40# (both right and both left)
Leg Extension 12@65# 15@65#
Seated Leg Curl 12@65# 15@65# 15@65#
Leg Press 12@170# 15@170# 15@170#
Hip Abduction 12@85# 15@85# 15@85#
Hip Adduction 12@60# 15@60# 15@60#
10 minutes cool down walk

A joined me at the gym today, so that was nice. I hit my calorie allowance for today and did really well.

Went to Walmart, got my cornstarch and bought 3 more pairs of the 16/18 bike shorts, mousse and root lifter for my hair. I finally get to wash my hair in the morning and enjoy my curls. Going to get up a bit early so I can have plenty of time to deal with it.

Spanish composition tomorrow, so I am off to practice while watching Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets for the third time this week. I saw the Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban trailer and OH BOY, I'm looking forward to June 4.

Later!!!

Ok, I have to say- i absolutely love weightlifting. Yes, I've seen a weight gain of about 2-3 pounds on the scale after 2 weeks of weightraining, but I know I had some days i went over on my food intake, so i figured that was all about the food. Then, today, because I somehow managed to get into some bike shorts that are 16/18 size and could still breath and move around, I grabbed the measuring tape.

So a sneak peek on measurements for December 1- so far I've lost almost 2 inches.


WOOHOO!

Going to Walmart with Sofie and Christina (possibly Kim if she wants) to purchase cornstarch and hair products. Since I know I can wear these bike shorts, I'm picking up a couple more if they still have them.

Late night 'talking' with hubby last night. Heh. Unfortunately, he was sick, so I cut it short after a while because I'd rather he get some rest on his day off. He ended up having to work on Sunday, rather than Saturday. Hopefully he feels ok. I'm not there to take care of him, of course he hadn't taken any medication. When Im there, I always have to get him to take the medicine,but I think he likes it that way.

This morning I wrote Sbarro's asking that they include their nutritional information for their customers. I have eaten at Sbarros exactly 10 times in the last 11 months because I have no clue what I can choose that fits into my life now. Will be nice to get at least a response. I'm sure I am not the only one to email them about it. Friday is my free day and I had Sbarro's for lunch and Gyros for dinner. I approximated my meals in Fitday and I think the calorie count is actually too low, but hey, what ya gonna do?

Well, must dress for lunch with my friends. Then come back and watch the Kansas State game this afternoon and actually do some homework before playing EQ for a couple hours. Then Im headed out with Sofie and Christina and probably Kim to Walmart to get a few thngs. I have to buy cornstarch for upkeep of my new toy.

OH! I was sent three dresses by an online friend to help me motivate myself over the next 12 months for the Navy Ball in Little Creek. Here is one of the dresses she sent. Its gorgeous red velvet and I love having it in my room to look at. Size= small- I'd guess a 4/6. Thankfully its a stretch material too, so I may be able to get into it. =) The two others are black party dresses- real flashy. One has a suede top and its sleeveless. I'll need to find a shawl for that one, maybe. I am really looking forward to it.


Today is cleaning day. Clothes, room, and dishes. Uhh.... yay?

Got my hair done. My curls looked great- until the hairdresser started TEASING and ratting the hair and it frizzed up like a fro- I was so stunned I didn't know what to say- so I squeaked "How do I handle the frizz???" and I think she got the message. She ended up *straightening* my hair and curling it into a Donna Reed helmet. Since I knew the curls were good and I was sick to death of the salon (and well, kinda upset) I paid and waited for Christina to be finished. So me and Sofie waited. Sofie's hair looks absolutely gorgeous- she has this wonderful light red hair now. Christina's red highlights looked fabulous. I was like the ugly stepsister to two Cinderellas. And now I have to sit on this hair until Monday morning when I can wash it and get those great curls back. Oy vay, why do these things always go awry for me?

We had gyros for dinner afterwards and people were staring and covering their children's eyes so I wouldn't make them cry.

Then we went to Priscilla's and I bought my first....uh....toy. Its made of cyberskin and I bought some great lube with it and the store provided batteries. I am currently waiting for my husband to get home so I can shock him with my new purchase. I don't think he believed I would actually go buy one! So, I have to ship this thing with my computer so we can use it together. YAY!
And yes, it is still in its package. Just waiting for hubby to get home.

I think I may have actually passed that Spanish quiz today. Let's hope.
Lots of work to do this weekend and spend time with Sofie. She's so great, I am going to miss her.

OK OK- here are the two workouts. As you can see..they are the same. :)
Tuesday's workout at 3pmish:
10 minute warmup walk
Compund Row 15@60# 15@60# 15@60#
Tricep Extension 12@ 25# 12@25#
Cable Pulldown 12@50# 15@50# 20@50#
Lateral Raise 12@25# 15@25# 12@25#
Rear Delt Pec Fly 12@25# 15@25# 12@25
Delt Pec Fly 12@25# 15@25# 12@25
Vertical Chestset 12@50# 15@50# 12@50#
Rotary Torso 12@40# 15@40# 12@40# (both right and both left)
Leg Extension 12@65# 15@65#
Seated Leg Curl 12@65# 15@65# 15@65#
Leg Press 12@170# 15@170# 15@170#
Hip Abduction 12@85# 15@85# 15@85#
Hip Adduction 12@60# 15@60# 15@60#
10 minutes cool down walk

Today's workout at 10:30am-
5 minute warmup walk (walked from Spanish class straight to gym before eating lunch)
Compund Row 15@60# 15@60# 15@60#
Tricep Extension 12@ 25# 12@25#
Cable Pulldown 12@50# 15@50# 20@50#
Lateral Raise 12@25# 15@25# 12@25#
Rear Delt Pec Fly 12@25# 15@25# 12@25
Delt Pec Fly 12@25# 15@25# 12@25
Vertical Chestset 12@50# 15@50# 12@50#
Rotary Torso 12@40# 15@40# 12@40# (both right and both left)
Leg Extension 12@65# 15@65#
Seated Leg Curl 12@65# 15@65# 15@65#
Leg Press 12@170# 15@170# 15@170#
Hip Abduction 12@85# 15@85# 15@85#
Hip Adduction 12@60# 15@60# 15@60#
10 minutes cool down walk

Also today I walked a total of two hours around campus going to and fro to lunch at stadium with friends and meeting people for an English project at the student union. I did have Pepsi today, with my free sub sandwhich, however I knew I had the calorie allowance for it today- as you can see if you go to my Fitday, I was within my 1500 range, just like I hoped to be. :) Yay me!

Quiz in Spanish tomorrow, I need to go study. LATER!

HAHAHA...after two days of no soda, I gave in at the movie theater and had it with my non-buttered popcorn. *sigh* Ah well, back in the saddle. I don't feel guilty, just sort of laughing at myself. I have my weightlifting tomorrow. I realize I didn't put down my Tuesday workout, so I will list that tomorrow as well!
Its late, I have to get up tomorrow for Spanish- I'll be hitting the gym at 10:45, head home at 11:40 and meet my friends for lunch. Hopefully I can dash into the shower of course.

Later!

Curtailing my soda intake from now on. I am getting absolutely no nutritional benefit from it and the caffeine and sugar plays havoc with me. Going to start carrying Minute Maid Light Lemonade with me (its 5 calories and I love it) or drinking water when I am out. Also, to help me stick to it, I'm lowering my calorie intake to a respectable 1500 for the next 5 weeks and see what happens. Just by doing that, I create a calorie deficit of 500 a day = 3500 calories a week = 1 pound loss a week. With my exercise level at its current status, I should hope to drop an additional half a pound. Of course, I know that i will most likely gain muscle weight over the next month, so because of this, I'm concnetrating on measurements in November and not worrying so much about the scale!

I've been smuggling apples out of the cafeteria so I can have a nutritional snack in between meals. I am going to slowly wean myself off so many salsa and baked Tostitos snacks- although they are perfectly fine, its easy to eat more servings than I plan on doing, so this is an alternative. Will pick up more baby carrots at Walmart this weekend. Love baby carrots!

Hitting the gym later! Gotta go!

Nightmares suck. Starts the day on the wrong foot. But I wont let it get me down! in a moment I will put on my fun music, eat a bagel, dance while dressing, and head out to class at 9!

Excellent weightloss/fitness article that I am glad SkinnyCat shared in her blog.

I've already had some of my water today!
Counseling session at 2.
Weightlifting at 6:30.
Movie at 8.

Later!

I had a very good day today. Ended with a kinky phone call with hubby, so Im headed to bed with a smile on my face.

My thighs, pecs, and arms are sore when I flex them and it makes me smile. Its a reminder that I am reawakening my body. I look forward to tomorrow. A and I are going later in the day from now on... I am no longer afraid of going to the gym while it is busy. I feel comfortable going now.

The manager at Subway knows me so well, she rattles off my order when I approach the counter. =)

There is a small chance that I will find out tomorrow I have an A in Spanish. Can you imagine? I could possibly leave here with straight As.... oh, I don't want to get my hopes up, but it makes me want to really work extra hard for the next 5 weeks.

Tomorrow I am going with Pat, Sofie, Christina and Kim to see Pirates of the Carribean. None of them have seen it, so it will be great fun to enjoy it a second time with them.

I hope everyone has a pleasant Tuesday!

So I have this fabulous online aquaintance (ok, actually I have a great many fab online aquaintances) and she has this equally fab dress. I saw a picture of it today and I joked with her that I'd like to wager my reaching my weightgoal by October 2004 for the dress. Was I ever stunned when she gladly accepted- then refused to make me wait- she is sending it to me tomorrow!!! We are the same height, so no hemlines need to be moved. All that I need to do is lose the weight so I can wear this dress to next year's Navy Ball. I called hubby to tell him and he was genuinely happy for me. I think I may have surprised him, I usually avoid talk of the Navy Ball. I talked a bit about it a few months ago, but I wasn't there for it and I guess hubby probably thought I'd never want to go. Its important to him and I do want to go. In that red dress that will soon be in my possession. HAPPINESS!

I did indeed do my Week 2 Day One workout and here it is: Set 1, Set 2, Set 3 (thanks Lexy, it made a huge differance with my workout and heart rate!) respectively...

10 minute warmup walk
Compund Row 15@45# 15@45# 15@60# <--new weight for Tuesday
Tricep Extension 12@ 25# 12@25# <-- ow, limit right now...
Cable Pulldown 12@40# 15@40# 20@50# <----new weight for Tuesday
Lateral Raise 12@25# 15@25# 12@25# <---new weight
Rear Delt Pec Fly 12@25# 15@25# 12@25 <---ow! new weight
Delt Pec Fly 12@25# 15@25# 12@25 <---hmm, might use a little more on Tuesday
Vertical Chestset 12@50# 15@50# 12@50# <---oof! staying here for a bit
Ab Crunch 12@30# 12@30# <--this thing sucks, may drop it and do crunches at home
Rotary Torso 12@30# 15@30# 12@30# (both right and both left) <---may increase this, felt good
Leg Extension 12@65# 15@65# <---OW! New weight!
Seated Leg Curl 12@65# 15@65# 15@60# <---sticking with this a bit longer
Leg Press 12@160# 15@160# 15@170# <--new weight, handled it ok
Hip Abduction 12@85# 15@85# 15@85# <---oof! new weight!
Hip Adduction 12@55# 15@55# 15@60# <--sticking with 60# for a bit...
10 minutes cool down walk


Adding the third set made a big differance. I really felt like I had a good workout when I left. My heart was pounding a majority of the time. I was too embarrassed to play with the ellipticals, since I don't know anything about them, so A is going to show me on Tuesday morning. Wish I could change the songs on my mp3 player...Im getting tired of the same music all the time. Bah, bad drivers!

Staying focused. Tomorrow Im working on a private list of personal goals (for school, marriage, and fitness). It was suggested by a counselor, so I will try it and see if it helps me deal with my anxiety.

There is this strange thing I am having to deal with- finding the proper bra. When I started this journey in January, I was wearing a 38C and I couldn't figure out why I felt so mashed. It was in June that I realized I was a D cup...so i switched to 38D. Much more comfortable. Well, now I have reached the point that the bra is too loose, so I'm ready for a 36. Unfortunately, my cup size hasn't changed, still a D. Finding a 36D that fits well with enough support is very difficult. Its a pain. However, there are plenty of 36C bras that are real comfortable, but my breasts spill out of them. Hey, I am thrilled my body is changing, its just the awkward (<--- doesn't that look like its spelled wrong or something..what a strange word.. I had to look it up) stage that is a bit frustrating.

I wish I could go home now. *sigh*

Oh. my. gosh.
I went shopping for a couple shirts to take to Guam and hoped to find a pair of black capris on sale. I stumbled on to an excellent sale of summer shirts in sizes 16/18, so I figured for $1 a pop, I'd go ahead and splurge. I hoped to be able to wear them by the end of December. Bought a pair of capris in size 20 (only ones available) and since I wear a pair of pants that are 18/20, I thought they'd fit.

All of the 16/18 Ladies shirts fit me. ALL OF THEM! And those 20 capris? WAY TOO BIG.

I stood in front of the mirror completely stunned. So, for fun, I went and grabbed the size 16 slacks I purchased at the Salvation Army for $3. I had bought them just to try to get into by February. I am just flipping out. I managed to get them over my hips and on...I just couldn't zip them up all the way or button them, but I got them over my ass!!!!

What a great day!

I'm not
Your average type
Of girl
I'm gonna show
The world
The strength in me
That sometimes they can't see
I'm about to
Switch my style
And soon things may get wild
But I will prove
I can conquer anything
So from my head to toe
I'm taking full control
I'll make it on my own
This time
(Better watch me shine)
CHORUS:
Better watch out
Going for the knockout
And I won't stop
Till I'm on top now
Not gonna give up
Until I get what's mine
Better check that
I'm about to upset
And I'm glad now
So you better step back
I'm taking over
So watch me shine..
>clip< *portion of "Watch Me Shine" Joanna Pacitti

I am really proud of myself for getting a whole week of weightlifting in. Go me. Now I need to kick my ass in the cardio department- because the only cardio I have done in the last two weeks has been walking on campus, climbing stairs, and breathing. That just won't do. So week two of my new life must include 3 days a week of cardio. Period. Starting tomorrow. HAHAHAHA. I just slay myself.

Going shopping today for groceries and new clothes- just a couple things. Going to make an appointment for eyeglasses. In Guam they are too expensive, here I can get a nice pair for a reasonable price. Yes, at Walmart. Hey... I'm poor! Ok, not really poor like some of my friends are experiencing, but definately not in a place where I could go elsewhere for my glasses.

Weight isn't fluctuating, but considering I have had two bad nights of noshing with my friends, I am not surprised at all. However, I did get the urge for both the Tico's and Godfather's Taco Pizza out of my system. Though I will have Tico's again before I leave!

Fitday will become my new best friend from now on. My body will become my friend, too and not in a kinky way. Well, I just won't write about that here. Its only been one week, but the tightness in my thigh muscles (I know, Mojo, learn the muscle groups...hold on let me grab my muscle chart!)...make that my quadriceps... has already changed the shape of my legs. Of course, this is when I am lying on my back and stretching my legs high up into the air (no... I really was just looking at my legs) so that the fat of my thighs is pulled downward and I can see more definition in my thighs. Anyway, its a nice way to see what is happening under this bulk.

I flexed my bicep for another man this week (is that cheating?) and I once again intimidated the shit out of him. That is so freaking cool. Of course, he's a scrawny bastard, but damn, its kinda funny to see a grown man try not to cry.

I can't believe my friend Sofie is leaving in a couple weeks. Damn. She better keep in touch with me. I have to have my friends in Europe!!! She's a wonderful person and I am going to miss her.

Hmm..Survivor... LIL IS BACK! YES! Ok, Lil, time to hook up with Rupert and crew and protect your back!

Oops, didn't report my grades yesterday. B+ in Spanish(quiz), A in Composition (essay), A in Plains Lit (overall), and B+ in Sociology (sociological analysis of immingrant influx). Right now my grades look like the one B in Spanish, and As in the other classes. Coolio.

One thing I won't miss when I am back home is how writing and typing at the desk in my room hurts my right shoulder.

Bah, University's email system is down...can't get my email. Its been two days now!

Well, off to class!

Here's my workout info for today. Got up bright and early and felt great!
Set 1 and Set 2 of course...
10 minute warmup walk
Compund Row 15@45# 15@45#
Tricep Extension 15@ 20# 15@20#
Cable Pulldown 12@40# 15@40#
Lateral Raise 12@20# 15@20#
Rear Delt Pec Fly 12@20# 15@20#
Delt Pec Fly 12@20# 15@20#
Vertical Chestset 12@50# 15@50#
Ab Crunch 12@30# 15@30#
Rotary Torso 12@30# 15@30# (both right and both left)
Leg Extension 12@50# 15@50#
Seated Leg Curl 12@65# 15@65#
Leg Press 12@160# 15@160#
Hip Abduction 12@50# 15@50#
Hip Adduction 12@50# 15@65#
10 minutes cool down walk

I'll step it up a notch per Lexy's advice on Sunday and try a third set to failure. Also, on Sunday I plan on trying to do 3 minutes on the elliptical machines. I have never beenon one and they look interesting. A tells me they are easy and more fun then treadmills.

Hubby called giving me great news. His hard copy of the orders came in so his enlistment paperwork is going through and in a few weeks he will re-enlist and it looks like we'll make the bonus this year. I really hope so. It will replace the money I spend going home.

Yep, I'm going home. Finishing the semester, taking my shiny new GPA with me to transfer to University of Maryland there for a quarter (going to get my math deficiency out of the way), and heading home to build a new marriage and be a better mom to my kids. I have so much I need to do with them. Hubby asked if we could stop over in Hawaii on our way to Virginia and of course I said yes. So, when we rotate, we'll be spending a family vacation (just 4 days though) in the Islands.

I'm happy. I know I have a lot to deal with over there, but my decision is right for me, my husband and my kids. Period.

Just got back from seeing Matrix Revolutions and having pizza afterwards.

Revolutions... disappointing. I won't go into specifics of course, but I was expecting a lot more and got...less.

Great day today. Feeling good and looking forward.

Another weightlifting workout in the morning. I am actually looking forward to it, even if the early morning showing still makes me shudder. But what a great habit to get into for...well, the future.

Just got back from watching Matrix Reloaded on the big screen downstairs, totally blew today's calorie totals by eating 2 packages of reese's cups, a package of TGIF chips and popcorn. Goodness... I think its anxiety. Happy anxiety, but anxiety none the less!

That isn't going to help me lose ten pounds in six weeks,though! Yes, six weeks....big hint there...

Going to see Matrix Revolutions tomorrow at 4:10- have advanced tickets. Leaving at 2:45 to stand in line for an hour to get an aisle seat. As a fat woman I refuse to climb over people to pee. =)

Was up bright and early at 5:40am, called hubby to check in, stepped out with A to the gym at 5:50am. I love how we can use our fast walk to the gym as a warmup and the walk back home as a cool down. Its great.

What I did today: Set 1 and then Set 2, you get the drift.
10 minute warmup walk
Tricep Extension 15@ 20# 15@20#
Cable Pulldown 12@40# 15@40#
Lateral Raise 12@20# 15@20#
Rear Delt Pec Fly 12@20# 15@20#
Delt Pec Fly 12@20# 15@20#
Vertical Chestset 12@50# 15@50#
Ab Crunch 12@30# 15@30#
Rotary Torso 12@30# 15@30# (both right and both left)
Leg Extension 12@50# 15@50#
Seated Leg Curl 12@65# 15@65#
Leg Press 12@160# 15@160#
Hip Abduction 12@50# 15@50#
Hip Adduction 12@50# 15@50#
10 minutes cool down walk

I've decided to have a little time to enjoy my secret. Just a bit longer. Even though Im sure people have a good idea what has me so happy.

Well, I am not very sore at all, actually, and at first I thought that I must have not done my workout right. But as the day wore on, I felt a nice tightness to my muscles. Tomorrow A and I head to the gym at 5:50am. Then walk back, shower and begin our day.

I think I may actually do alright on the Spanish quiz. I went to the tutoring session, did my language lab, will do the workbook tonight before bed. Bedtime is by 10:30pm.

I had a wonderful, busy day.

I talked to hubby this morning...I am happy. Very, very happy. Oh yes I am.... ecstatically so. And I am not ready to share...I want to enjoy this a little while longer today.

Yes, I did indeed do my first gym workout. Week 1 is all about breaking in- getting used to going to the gym, messing with the equipment and such. A did really well and we ended up going earlier than we planned due to both of us wanting to hit the sack before 11pm. So here is what I did tonight, which is Day 1 of Week 1.
Walk 10 minute warmup
Cable pulldown Set 1- 12 @ 40# Set 2- 15 @ 40#
Lateral Raise Set 1- 12 @ 20# Set 2 - 15 @ 20#
Rear Delt Pec Fly Set 1- 12 @ 20# Set 2- 15 @ 20#
Vertical Chest Set 1- 15 @ 50# Set 2- 15 @ 50#
Ab Crunch Set 1- 15 @ 30# Set 2- 15 @ 30#
Rotary Torso Set 1- L 15 @ 20# R 15 @ 20# Set 2- L 15 @ 20# R 15 @ 20#
Leg Extension Set 1- 12 @ 65# Set 2- 12 @65#
Seated Leg Curl Set 1- 15 @ 35# Set 2- 15 @ 50#
Leg Press Set 1- 15 @ 160# Set 2- 15 @ 160#
Walk 10 minute cooldown

I know, it looks simple and I do plan on adding more as we go along. But it isn't a bad beginning! On Tuesday I plan on adding my own dumbbell workout I will do in my room on my own.

Very good day. Got a nice email from hubby and everything. =0) Later!

New favorite song... Dido's "White Flag." Isn't hard to figure out why.

I ended up watching Pat, Greg, Sofie and Kim play pingpong then watching The Hulk on the big screen tv until almost 2. Fell asleep very quickly when I got back to my room.

Going to be adjusting my bedtime to 10:30 so I can make sure I get enough sleep from now on.

Another good thing I noticed from the weightloss in October- I went up a notch on my watch's wristband. Which is always a cool way to know you've lost some fat. =)

So, for today- shower,putting together weight program, going to gym with A, walking to library, going to Walmart with Kim, brunch with the girls & guys, and studying for Spanish, Laundry. Ooooh, that Spanish is a killer.

I heard that the page isn't displaying properly sometimes and I noticed Blogger having some problems a bit ago. Hope it clears up.

I was going to head downstairs to play pool with the girls, but its 10:30 and I am finding myself yawning and my thoughts drifting from Spanish work. Tomorrow me and A head to the Rec Center, so I'll be looking at how to start out in the morning and putting the program together with her. When I put the workout here (if I do), don't expect it to be professional. Heh. I barely know what im doing right now. I'm sure it will get better over time as I learn weightlifting concepts and such. So it will probably be basic stuff- name of the machine, weights used, reps and sets.

Laundry day tomorrow. Grocery day as well, I never went to Walmart. Going with Kim tomorrow. Ah heck, Im headed down to at least chat a bit with the girls before I crash. I can start my new bedtime tomorrow!

I was lucky and ended up having lunch with the girls and I asked them if they'd like to come with me to Tico's for dinner and they accepted. Just got back and we had a grand time. We can't wait for our Salon Day. Just 13 more days! It was a lot of fun watching Sofie and Christina experience their first Mexican restaurant. talked a lot about men and relationships... you know, the usual. Nothing like Sex and the City, though. =)

After I came home I called hubby to tell him about my best friend's good news. Hubby was watching college football (I knew he would). We are counting the days til we are together again.

Hmmm..things that changed this past month about my body-

Thighs are noticeably less fat.
Wrist bones are more pronouced.
Rings slide freely on my finger- very cool. Looking forward to having to resize them...maybe end of December?
My elbows are very differant then they were a month ago. Very pronouced and I love it.
Less flab on my arms as well and definition with my biceps.
Size 18 pants are a bit loose and XL shirts are no longer tight around my abdomen!
Cellulite on butt- gone- totally didn't expect that and I wonder if it is all the stair climbing developing the glutes. I always thought the cellulite was the last to go, but not for my bum! However, still dimply in the back of my thighs, so hey, I still have something to bitch about later!

I am feeling great!

Had great fun last night watching people get much drunker than I (I only got a slight buzz- had a small margarita and a screwdriver). Some of the costumes were funny, but most were pretty mundane. And I knew I wouldn't get through the night without seeing a walking penis- and I was right.

Got home, called home, talked to my son a bit then hubby later. His haunted house did really well and my daughter had a ball helping out and scaring people. My son has a new friend and he spent the night hanging out with him. I am really happy that he has found a friend to hang out with. I told hubby I was so happy for him, he told me he missed me, loved me, and told me to go to bed since it was 3am here. Heh. I sank gratefully into sleep. Slept wonderfully, but dreamed all night about walking in and out of bars.

Today I have to run a couple of errands before coming back and studying Spanish. We are learning the Spanish equivilant of -ing endings. Terribly confusing. I'm even going to reschedule my counseling appointment so I can spend time at the tutoring center on Monday. The exam is on Tuesday and Im so nervous. I have a B+ and I would love to keep it, so I even backed out of my roleplaying group this week to study.

Well, its almost time for lunch, so I think I might head out and take myself to Tico's for a lunch I have been watiing for since I arrived. I love that place. Im using the advice in The Body Sculpting Bible for Women and allowing myself one meal a week where I don't worry about calories, fat or any of that (within reason of course). So, since Saturday is the rest day...here I go!

Goodness, it was so good to see 194 on that scale. Success!

Ok, dashed in here between parties!

For the month of October, I lost 5 pounds and 5.25 inches off my body! I now weigh 194.5.

Ok, off to put on my makeup for downtown carousing.

Quick note before I go take my nap so I can run around tonight with my friends.

Had a great day today. Doing a zen thing, getting rid of old things, throwing out things I no longer need, letting go of a lot. Feels good.

Weighed in today for the start of my program. Yippee for me! I'm at 194.5! Ahead by half a pound! hahah.

How about that twist lastnight on Survivor. MAN, they get rid of the idjits then let them right back on the island. I was so pissed. My poor Rupert, people are going to after him. =(

Spanish is HARD now...oh my, I really am worried. Going to study all weekend. Test on Tuesday. Ick.

Off to nap!!!