Looks like we have to replace the water pump and the shriek we heard last night was a belt going *poof*- which I think is cool, because when I first heard it, my immediate reaction was "I just looked at the belts and they all looked good!" This particular belt I could not see because of its position, so I do not feel too stupid. Luckily, our friend B will do the labor tomorrow for two 12 packs of Miller beer. Yeehaw! Marines rock.So it looks like I will only have to give up no more than $300 (barring any other unforeseen problems- its actually a lot less than that, but Im allowing a cushion for anything else that pops up). Not sure about the alternator since the belt apparantly affects its performance (don't ask me, I have no clue, but I pray to God the alternator is ok) and its possible replacing the belt will take care of that problem. It does make sense since after that enormous shriek, our lights dimmed to just parking lights and even less than that by the time the car stalled out.

But enough of that. Hubby is on leave. Due to the car problems, he didnt get home til late and he has to leave at 8:30 in the morning to pick up B to go work on the car and will be working on it all afternoon. I will not feel too badly since the car is priority. Then we have his softball games tomorrow night as well and a tourny at Anderson on Saturday. Might have games on Sunday, but maybe not. This all hinges, of course, on the status of our car. Should everything go ok over the next few days, we'll get the kids's school things out of the way (shots! yay!) and finish up with my stuff.

Due to the car situation, I will probably not leave until August 15th (military paydays are on the 1st and the 15th). We'll check on the flight status on August 11th, and I will know which flight I'll hop on. Hubby wants me to stay longer as well, which makes me feel good. Doesn't look like I will be visiting my parents after all. No biggie, I will see them at Thanksgiving most likely, if they'll have me.

Been playing Planetside again and enjoying it so much more than Star Wars Galaxies. I suck at it, but I have a great group of people to hang out with and we use TeamSpeak to communicate while playing. It works great. Was also able to prove to the guys that I am indeed a female. That's always amusing. We all went major geek today while playing Planetside discussing our favorite AD&D worlds and campaigns. It was great to meet people who had played Rifts and GURPS and Shadowrun in addition to good ol' D&D.

Didn't work out today. I will walk tomorrow, though.

The kitty follows me around sometimes. I have to remember to wash my hands after I play and pet her. Today she jumped up on me while I was at the computer and tried to use my shoulder as a perch- even licked my face, but I wasn't falling for that. As soon as you allow these felines to use you as furniture, its over. So I shrieked for my son's help and he promptly removed her- and ended up as a bed for the cat. Watched hubby play with the cat. Hubby was laughing quite a bit and I love the sound of it. I knew that feline was going to steal my husband's affections, though. Dammit.

Tonight was extremely frustrating. Our boonie car (also known as a Guam bomb) broke down three times. We now have to replace the alternator and check a couple other things, but truthfully, it shouldn't be too bad. It was just frustrating having two people who know next to nothing about cars trying to figure out what was wrong. And extremely frustrating when the entire mess could have been avoided had a certain man took the time to check everything over in the first place. But no, can't take the time to ask more knowledgable people to help out checking things like ENGINE COOLANT, & checking the OIL DIPSTICK LOCATION (he was checking the transmission dipstick). He kept swearing up and down he was checking the oil levels, so I couldn't for the life of me figure out why the freaking oil light would come on every week. Well, now I know, don't I?

So the whole time I am biting my tongue, I am also trying to keep him from completely losing his temper. We were on our way to his softball game (they won by the way) and he had come all the way up the island specifically to pick me up and bring me down there so I could watch the game. I tried to keep everything light. Because, in the end, it is all fixable. I can wait to get my truck fully paid off (I can use the free bus pass!), I can wait a few more days before flying, and all I need is enough to fly to Nebraska and get into my dorm room. I need just a bit for food until the 1st and I am good until then. And since we are getting our bribe from Bush & Co. ($443 to be exact), we have the money to fix the car.

After winning the game he was in a much better mood. I am glad I avoided causing a ruckus. I am glad I kept laughing about it and reminding him in 5 years we will look back at this and laugh. He just appeared so frustrated that it actually hurt to look at him. I told him to just roll with the punches. He told me he was tired of rolling with the punches. He said that whenever things look good, something bad happens. Welcome to my world, honey.

Luckily people at work loaned him the government vehicle for us to get home (we broke down finally a mile away from the front gate and our friend B was with us and able to give us a lift to the softball fields). Hubby knows a couple that has three cars and he will probably ask to borrow one until our car is ready to go again. Our friend B offered to replace the alternator, we just have to provide the part.

So, hubby's leave begins tomorrow at 5pm, but we are without a working vehicle. We will figure it out. We have to register the kids for school and get their immunizations (I have to get my records as well). We have plenty of time. I just have to keep him from letting this get to him. He gets to buy a better car in February. So, if the car can last another 5 months (please God), we're ok. If I have to, I will send hubby any money left over from paying my school fees. Won't be much, but every little bit helps.

Trying to stay positive.

Ok, this entry is to bring myself up to speed on my current fitness track (or lack thereof, ha!).
The last Fitness Report I made was the Week 24 one, so I have to post Weeks 25,26, and 27. Am I ashamed of my lack of physical action these three weeks? Not particularly. I'm embarrassed a bit, but not feeling too guilty. I've been feeling burned out lately, without really knowing that was how I felt at first I feel a bit stalled, actually. I sort of see myself as a race car, sitting at the starting line, watching for the flag to switch, so I can rev up and get back into the race. With my departure from my family and home imminent (15 days!), I guess this isn't very surprising. Where I am headed is a place where all I need to fous on is myself. I said 2003 was Project Me- and living alone is going to test that.
Week 25 was marred by the first foot injury (walking on a shard of glass) so I only exercised:

Sun 6/29 none

Monday 6/30 2mile treadmill 41minutes 50 seconds (3.0mph)

Tuesday 7/1 2 mile treadmill 42 minutes (3.0mph,2.5%incline)

Wednesday 7/2 none am sex

Thursday 7/3 2 mile treadmill 41 minutes 47 seconds (3.0mph,2.5% incline)

Friday July 4th- Foot injury. OW!

Week 26
July 6-12 was recup time on my feet. My second injury is a mystery- I somehow cut my foot inside my middle toes while I slept!!!

I did have a lot of sex this week though. *wicked grin*

Week 27
July 13- 19 only exercised on the 19th

Saturday 7/19 2 mile treadmill 42 minutes 17 seconds (3.2mph, 2.5% incline)

Week 28

Sunday 7/20-- Spent day outdoors, low calorie day, Realized my weight was back to 198 pounds. Pity party ensued
Monday 7/21 --sex twice, no other activity
Tuesday 7/22-- 2 mile treadmill 41 minutes 5 seconds (3.2mph, 2.5% incline)
Wednesday 7/23-- 2 mile treadmill 40 minutes 7 seconds (3.2mph, 2.5% incline)
Thursday 7/24-- none, sex twice
Friday 7/25-- 2 mile treadmill 40 minutes 13 seconds (3.2 mph,2.5% incline)
Saturday 7/26-- none,sex


I've decided to change my final goal from 105 to 110. I'm so short that this is a good weight for me and with building muscle I doubt seriously I would ever get to 105 anyway. As long as I am fit, strong, and looking fab- I am happy.

I am at 198 now, and I would really, really like to see 195 before I get back on the plane. Even if its just for my pride. *rueful grin*

Other news- we have a new kitten named Patches. I am allergic to cats, so I have beent aking Claritan to help with some of the symptoms and it hasn't been that bad. I'll get proper pet allergy medication before I come back to Guam, though, so I don't get horribly sick. The good thing is that my daughter is totally preoccupied with her new companion, hubby is (sickeningly) thrilled with having a cat again, and it can't go into our bedroom. As long as I have one cat-free area, I am happy to make everyone else happy and suffer a bit of the itchies and sniffles.

Hubby gets leave starting on Wednesday at 5pm. YAY!

I must have shocked him into reality, because after I picked him up at the softball field he told me he wasn't mad anymore and that I shouldn't have stayed up so late last night. I told him I couldn't sleep because I felt so horrible. And I slept like hell this morning after dfropping him off because I still felt badly.

My friends calmed me down. THANK YOU. I am human, I am a bit immature (sue me), and I am allowed to make mistakes. By the time I went to pick him up today, I was done beating myself up. He was in a great mood because I told him I got my housing assignment (not where I wanted, but still in a single and with people closer to my age, so its ok), I already have my new phone number memorized, and of course because his softball tournament was an enormous success and the Guamanians are already asking him & his friend to put together another one. Could that sentence have been any longer? And I hope to be an English major?

After we got home he was being uber affectionate and coming on to me in a big way. He told me he was taking a shower and that I should too because he wanted to...um, go south for me. YAY ME!

So I just finished making love with hubby and have left him happily sleeping in bed. He wouldn't let me leave til I gave him enough kisses (wow, that's new).

And the whole time he said NOT ONE WORD about me being with another man. It was just me and him in that room. Almost perfect. =)

Well, this is a very embarrassing post for me to make. You would think I wouldn't be ashamed of anything, really, considering what I have written about before. But I am so ashamed of my own stupidity, that I debated whether or not to write about it. But, this is an effort for me to be honest about my life and, yes, even my dumbass moments, so here comes something shocking you can share with all your friends.
As noted in my July 7th post- my husband has been telling me I can have a fling of my own this Xmas while I am away at school. At first I thought it was just fantasy, and I played along. But he has become increasingly more serious about it as time goes on. 90% of the time, he mentions my freedom to have a fling during sex, very rarely is it mentioned outside of the bedroom.

He told me he felt if I had a fling, I'd "get it out of your system"- I guess he means the need to strike back. I really don't have that need. It actually sort of hurt that he seemed so keen on me doing what he did and possibly taking it even further. He said that if I did, though, I could no longer bring up anything about his affair. So, for me, that seemed more of a reason for him to push it. He's trying to bring me to his level.

I thought I'd teach him a lesson. I 'chose' a friend I have online. Extremely young (20, turns 21 in December), good looking, funny, and a college student at a college only 5 hours away from mine. I had absolutely NO intention of following through. I was trying to shove this guy in my husband's face and hope to God he'd freak out and tell me not to do it. This guy and I post on the same forum and that is how I know him- from playing games online together and posting. The guy has been flirting with me for a long time and hubby knew about him.

It only seemed to fuel his idea. He'd talk about it during sex. He'd get real excited. I became more frustrated over it, but kept it to myself. And two days ago, my husband told me (during sex) he wanted me to have phone sex with D at least twice during the next year.

So, I contacted my friend, his name is D----. He was one of many friends who helped me through D-day. He knew the whole story. I told him what I was trying to do (teaching my husband a lesson) and he was MORE than willing to help me out. D---- has a girlfriend who has sex issues- isn't very affectionate and non-sexual, but they have been together for a long time. My husband also knows this about D----. D---- thinks I'm hilarious, knows Im obese, still thinks I'm a sexy mama. But he thought that if we made hubby squirm, that hubby would indeed ask me not to go through with it.

So, me and D---- have been slowly building our scheme over the last week. He sent me a couple racy emails with his personal stats. He's 20, 6'2, weighs 220 pounds and even listed his penis size. This was always a point of contention with my husband because although hubby has an average sized penis that I am very happy with- the idea of a man with a larger one being with me bothers him. Well...D---- is...uh...STACKED. I was watching my husband's face as he read the email and his face got real stiff. I was sure it would make him rethink it all. It didn't. But his reaction kinda cracked me up.

So, today, D---- and I are in a chatroom with a bunch of our friends. We are private messaging each other, just chatting about our 'plot' (D---- knows I had no intentions of following through), when the subject of me living in Guam comes up with the other people in chat. When I mentioned that Guam is the same long distance rates as within the USA, me and D---- started discussing how much it would cost for him to call me here.
ANd then I did the unthinkable. At the time I was doing it for kicks, I wanted to hear D----'s voice, he wanted to hear mine, it was TOTALLY INNOCENT- but COMPLETELY STUPID. I gave him our phone number. Our HOME number.

I wasn't thinking at all that there would be a problem with this. It wasn't like I was 'hiding anything'. I genuinely just wanted to talk to him, say "HI! See I am a real girl!" and then hang up. That is completely it! So I wasn't being smart.

D---- has only a cellphone and he tried to call. But he couldn't get through. Aw, too bad. No big deal.
Ten minutes after, the phone rings. I'm still in chat but D---- had gotten quiet and I was just reading eveyone else's chatting. I answer the phone. I hear a staticy connection (obviously a cellphone)and a voice saying, "Hello? HEy, you there?"
I instantly say, "Hi D----!"
"Hello? I am at the range."
OH MY GOD. IT WAS MY HUSBAND. and a heartbeat later I hear him say, "You think I was D-----?"
Now...we have a neighbor named D----. I really, really wish I was good at lying ad had immediately covered saying I thought it was our neighbor since his kids were playing at our house. But I didn't. "Oops, yeah."
He asks, "Which one???"
I can't help but tell the truth! It didn't occur to me to lie. "Uhh, ( D's online name)" And like an idiot, I am laughing aobut it, because, liek I said, it really was just for fun, just to say Hi.

"Why is he calling you?"
"Just to say hi. We were having fun in the chatroom and we were talking about long distance and Guam..." And then I start sputtering.. I am so embarrassed because, there really WAS no good reason for him to be calling our house.
"I thought you were going to keep that in Lincoln." He doesn't sound very mad, just perplexed.
I kinda blinked, because I really didn't realize there were 'rules' like that. And then I got a little annoyed. The guy who wants me to have a fling with another man is DICTATING terms to me. I didn't say anything about that though...I was still in shock that I had made such an enormous blunder.
He said we would discuss it when he got home.

I didn't feel bad about it really. I just thought it was a funny screw up. And yeah, I wanted hubby to squirm. I did my 2 mile walk to take the edge off my anxiety,though.

He came home, kissed me, but it was that awful pecky kind. Hugged me. I wasn't in a talkative mood by the time he got home- he got home at 9pm due to more of his softball stuff (and he was with a man I trust and like, so he wasnt out carousing trying to get back at me). I knew he was mad by this time, due to a second phone call where he told me what I did was innappropriate. (THIS coming from a man who is shoving me towards other men)

By 11 he told me it was time for bed, so I went with him. Got in bed, turned off the light. He'd been pleasant with me all evening, and he even commented about me being awfully quiet. It was because I was afraid of what he might say. I really wasn't seeing the problem yet. I thought that I had hurt his feelings.

I can't remember how I got the talk started, or if he started it, but it was probably me. OH! He wanted to know how it started. BUt he told me that he could NOT believe I had given this guy our home phone number
I told him"But I wasn't up to anything!" (because I was looking at my intentions, not the consequences!)
He told me it didn't matter. I could hear the disgust in his voice as he told me he couldn't believe I had brought that man "into our home." He said if that guy calls he will go "High and to the right" which is Marine speak for cussing the guy out, screaming and being generally scary. He says he isn't mad at me, but geez, if you could hear his voice its obvious he is. He says by giving the guy the number I let all "that stuff" touch our kids and our home. That's why he never EVER would give out our home phone to his OW.

He said it would have been disrespectful to do so. Luckily- he caught himself and said "Uh, I know all the other stuff I did was disrespectful too, but I would NEVER EVER give out our HOME number." I could just hear the disgust in his voice. I feel incredibly stupid. I hate feeling stupid. It makes me angry at myself and now all I want to do is bawl my head off.

I have told him I didn't mean to be disrespectful. That since I really, truly, genuinely had nothing up my sleeve, nothing to hide, I didn't see the problem. I see it now and I feel terribly guilty. He started falling asleep after a long time of silence (I heard him snore- the entire time we had this discussion we were laying in the dark in bed and he was as far on his side as he could get) and I tried to sneak out of the room. He jerked awake and said, "Where are you going?" I told him I thought he was asleep. "I almost was." I didn't say anything, just stepped out of the bedroom. He didn't stop me.

I really feel like a pile of dung and a horrible person. Now I am frantically PMing this guy, sending him emails telling him how angry my husband is and to lose my number and NOT call me at home. I know he will comply,but I hope to God he doesnt get it into his head to try to call me on a hardline before he checks his email. I contacted another friend of ours who is also PMing D----, so that when I go to bed (HOW WILL I GO TO SLEEP WITH HUBBY SO MAD???) someone else is trying to get the message to him.

I feel so awful. I can't believe I am even wrapped up in this kind of drama. How does a cheating spouse do all this stuff? I can't even fake it!!!
I have decided that I am going to ask my husband to stop talking about me having a fling. It is hurting my feelings and causing a lot of discontent- and I havent even left home yet!!!

Well, I had plenty of servicing. And a little begging during the servicing, but my flowers won't be delivered til tomorrow. He took me out to dinner with the kids beforehand, of course, have to get plenty of carbs for energy, you know. After making love twice, I left him exhausted and trembling over his next punishment for not asking my permission to play softball. He must watch the dreaded Lizzie McGuire movie tomorrow night with me and our daughter. MHUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That'll teach him!!!

Also would like to point out another new inspiration for me: Lexy Smash!. It is so fantastic to see all these fantastic women who were once at the same physical level I am now and see how far they have come! I read all her past entries and got all caught up with her, so I am making sure to check on her daily- especially when I need motivation. Thanks for letting me link you, Lexy!

I promised hubby I wouldn't stay up too terribly late and since its almost 2am, I better go to bed. No more 4am nights for me.

Things are just fine with hubby and me. He has promised much begging, pleading, servicing and a dinner out tonight for accepting the tournament invitation without asking me. He knew he was in trouble already- he could tell this morning when he came in our bedroom to kiss me goodbye and I kissed him as usual but didn't say one word. When I stop gabbing, things are not kosher at home. I did pick on him a bit about not letting him play in the tourney and having to sit in the stands and watch his team play instead. His response? A horrified "THAT IS MESSED UP!"

So we had a good chat and I got to laugh at him and he laughed at me laughing at him. I am not going to make the next 20 days a pissing contest between me and him. He isn't going to change overnight. At least I am learning to tell him what I am thinking instead of stewing about it. Then he can't pretend ignorance later on.

I've added another daily inspiriation to my links. Its called Krista Smash!. I knew it was cool when she used She-Hulk on page one (always enjoyed She-Hulk as a young girl). I've decided to start weightlifting when I finally settle in at UNL in addition to my cardio workouts. Add a Pilates class, and I am all set for the year. Her site is great and I am really looking forward to putting her workouts into practice. I'm scared to death to enter the free weight room, though. All that testosterone.

Hubby got my EML papers and already signed me up at the MAC terminal. All I have to do is show up and ask what the flights are for the following three days and choose which one I want to leave on. So...I'm good to go. The last piece is set and there is absolutely nothing to keep me from leaving.

Ok, I'm off to...do nothing. I am so freakin' bored.

Yes, did my walk today. I put it off until 11pm, but that doesn't matter. What matters is I did it.

Hubby has annoyed me. He swore there would be no softball while he was on leave because that was my time. Today he gets an invite in email from Anderson AFB for his team to play August 2-3 in a tournament. He didn't even ask me if it was ok. He sent an email out saying he accepted the invite and he could probably hook the AF guy up with another 3 or 4 teams. Did he tell me he told this guy yes? Hell no. He hasn't said one word about it. I think I am going to bring it up tomorrow. He knows I check his email every so often and he knows I was standing next to him when he opened the invite to the tourney. All he said as I walked away (I was taking my son to the mall) was that there was a tournament at Anderson. No "Uh, do you mind if I play?" or anything. He just zips back an acceptance without stopping and thinking.

Ok, I am more than annoyed. I am not pissed, but I am...highly frustrated. Good Lord, I am trying to be an English major and I can't come up with a better description than that.

This will make the third weekend in a row where he would be doing his softball thing. On my time. Ok, maybe I am pissed because now I just want to break something. This is bullshit. And I am going to tell him so tomorrow. Loudly. I do not normally yell, since he just shuts down on me,but I don't think he gets it. He will probably act like he has no clue why I am upset or why I have a problem with him playing next weekend. Well, its time he hears why. Its because he never keeps his fucking promises. I am LAST on the totem pole and if he does this, it just proves it. If I just sit here and stew it teaches him its ok to say one thing and do another. No consequences.

I wanna see some begging, dammit. If he begs I'll let him play.
Ha.
I am really more angry that he didn't even bother to ask.

Poor hubby is getting sick again. We know exactly why- his responsibilities for training his students, the softball tournament, lack of proper nutrition and sleep combined with the wacked out weather totally tanked his immune system and he can't fight it off. Normally my husband gets sick maybe two or three times a year. He's very healthy. His eating, lately, has been extremely poor and nothing I've been able to say has changed a few bad habits he has picked up. Oreos are NOT supposed to be a meal. He treats them like dinner sometimes and that is all he eats. I am scared to death of what he is doing to his body. I hope I can convince him while I am gone to eat better.

Watching Signs on Showtime while typing this. I have it on DVD and I am tempted to pop it in and watch it, but its already past midnight and I have a headache, so I'll take my sleeping meds right after posting this and wait for them to kick in.

I did indeed do another treadmill workout today. I tried doing a pace of 3.5mph, but could only do part of a quarter mile at that pace. I did do the last mile at 3.2mph and sweat bullets. My knees do not hurt, which is a great sign.

We were watching Everybody Loves Raymond on UPN and there was a part where Frank comes charging in Ray's house in the middle of the night because he can't find his wife, Marie. Marie is taking care of her granddaughter, but Frank isn't having it. He explodes, saying he can't sleep without her. My husband was laughing over it. He told me this evening that although he is fine when he can fall asleep without me there (apparantly, I am a distraction *grin*), he will wake up in the middle of the night to check if I am in bed yet. If I am not he has a terrible time getting back to sleep and wishing I'd come to bed. I told him he should come get me, I'd gladly go to bed if he wanted me there. He just looked a little embarrassed, but I thought it was sweet. Now I know why he touches my butt at night. He's checking to see if I am in the bed! And I thought he was just having dirty dreams.

I leave in 20 days.

Well, I did it. I fixed my son's computer! Even upgraded the darned thing to WinXP- which was fantastic for me because it loaded everything up real nice. We were back on the internet as soon as the computer booted up. I was ecstatic. The only problem we have is that we have to buy third party software to play DVDs. I don't mind that since I've been eyeing WinDVD Platinum edition for about a month now. I'll have them install it after I am gone if they need to. Hubby and the kids will have three other DVD players (one being on my computer I am leaving my son). Hubby and Sara will be using this one (my son's Gateway- I'm using it right now to write this) mainly for writing me email and hubby will be using it for work.

Ah, hubby. We spent the day together. He got lucky and got the day off. I tried going to sleep after we made love earlier, but after listening to him breathe in my ear (he fell asleep with his arms wrapped around me) for about half an hour, I realized I wasn't tired enough to go to sleep. And I really wanted to write that I fixed my son's computer- and that I am happy. I am. Happy.

Hit 198 pounds today. Told hubby. He looked at me squarely and said, "Don't worry. You know you are going to lose the weight so don't feel bad!" He has lost 5 pounds and is at a weight he hasn't seen since we got married! I told him maybe he should consider working on definition while I am gone. I'll work on fitness and fat loss and he can work on some six pack abs. Wasn't I surprised when he agreed!

I depart in 21 days. Hubby's leave doesn't begin until August 1st- too many cops on leave already. Waiting for my EML papers (Environmental Leave- allows me to take a MAC flight off island once every 6 months or something). As soon as they are received we take them up to Anderson and get me on the waiting list. Then when I show up, I'll be in the top few for open spaces on a MAC flight to California. MAC flights cost roughly $30 or so. Its the only way I can get off island, now.

Hubby replaced one of the posts on the battery and its working much, much better. Replacing the other should take care of the rest of our start-up problems. I watched him do it and it was so simple! Wish I had known how. It would have been done weeks ago.

Did I mention that I am happy? =)

Let's see how much damage I can do to my son's computer. Considering it wouldn't load anything but DOS anyway, it can't be much. Got a copy of Windows 98 and I'm formatting the harddrive right now. Sure hope it works. Otherwise, I'll just have to send them a new harddrive and a copy of Win XP later this year. Either way, they still have my computer. My son told me he doesn't need my graphics card (GeForce4 ti4600 128meg 8x AGP), so I am thrilled that I can at least take that with me. Saves me money.

Seems my son isn't thrilled with Star Wars: Galaxies either. I haven't logged in the game in two days. Could care less.

Hubby says he is going to take tomorrow off. We'll see. We need to have the posts for our car battery replaced, so if he can get teh day off we can take care of that and register our daughter for school. Sounds good to me.

Just a quick update to report that I have, indeed, climbed back on the treadmill. I forgot how great the adrenaline rush feels! 2 mile walk done today. And I actually went 3.2mph the last half mile!

Here's to better fitness!

Ok,just got in a conversation with my son about how I haven't been working out. He asked why I wasn't and I really don't have a good excuse. My son told me to get back on the treadmill. Ok, that's all the motivation I need. If my son believes I'm slacking, I am. I know I have been and I really didn't feel motivated to get off my butt the past few days. I kept telling myself I'd start on Monday. I told him, "I'll start again on Monday." He gave me a look that said O, please, who do you think you're fooling? and said,"Are you sure?" I had the decency to look down in shame. I'm heasded back to the treadmill tomorrow. Which is really today, but since its 3:44 in the morning and I haven't slept yet, its not 'today' yet. Right?

Hubby didn't get home until almost 1am. He sat with me a bit then we went to bed and I tried chatting with him a bit, but he was starting to fall asleep. I asked to cuddle a bit and I guess my question woke him up because he didn't sound enthused. I was going to continue my personal pity party (I have been feelign lonely tonight) and roll over with my back to him. I did so, but I was pleased when he whispered, "Yeah, lay like that and I'll snuggle up behind you and fall asleep." Okey dokey. I'm game. So I lay and listen to him breathe for twenty minutes. I couldn't fall asleep. I am tired, but I could hear my daughter and her friends still scampering about, so I got up. Hence the late evening. The girls are finally asleep but my son is up. He keeps coming in here to see what I am up to. Since I am only reading everyone else's journals and searching for new ones, he gets bored and leaves for a few minutes before coming back.

I know he is waiting for me to get off the computer so he can jump on. My sleep meds haven't kicked in yet, so I am being cruel and making him wait. He really should just go to sleep, because tomorrow he has his first babysitting job. I hope he makes some good money. Looks like an 8 hour day for him. A 4 year old and a 7 year old. He's not thrilled, but he's helping a lady get out of the house while her husband is away in Korea. She is playing on a woman's softball team in hubby's tourney and really wanted to play. Now, thanks to my boy, she can. I asked hubby why he just didnt suggest bringing the kids here to our home and the look on his face was priceless. I can tell that part of my training has stuck- he knew better than to volunteer my services.

Supposedly hubby may actually get to take leave on July 28. We'll see.

If anyone is having trouble loading this page I hope they keep trying. I have had to hit refresh a couple times before it would all load. So I got rid of the counter and the comments for a bit to see if that helps.
I am considering changing the look of the site to something more UNL inspired. However, I do like the browns. And since I know absolutely nothing about CSS design, I'm hesitant to even worry about it.

Well, its decided. I am leaving my baby (my computer) with my family. I will be buying myself a new system September 1. And darned tootin' that I'll be scouring Lincoln for a good system. I can upgrade the peripherals later on (like getting a 19" moniter and an optical mouse). I will be trying to get the computer along with a new GeForce 4 ti4600 128 meg card, even if I have to purchase that seperately. I'll have $900. That's cool, I'm pretty sure I can swing it, as long as I can stick with a 15" moniter for awhile.

Got my official notice that my dorm payment was received and that I'll know my room assignment the last week of July. I am so tempted to call before then, since I was told to call because "We don't send room assignments overseas." I just want to make sure they don't try to stick me in a room with a 19 year old like they did in 1997. I'm 32 and I asked to live in a single in the grad area. I wish I could have asked for my old room (3rd floor of the grad wing), but I couldn't remember the number. What's cool is that next year I can ask for the same room again. I got dibs! And a discount for returning. Awesome. Next year I am going to save myself $160 and purchase my own microwave and mini-fridge. Especially since by the time I graduate with my degree, my son will be arriving in UNL the following semester and will be able to use them! How freaky is that?

I find myself checking my husband's email only every couple days. It occurred to me that I'm not trying to catch him doing something- I am trying to catch that bitch writing him. I know that she won't- she puts her career at risk if she does (and truthfully, so does my husband if he were to pull this kind of shit again). Lately, its been helpful to check his email- I've been able to alert him that he has some important softball-related emails he needed to respond to. It was funny t be telling him this week "Oh, you have email from so-and-so." and not feel a bit damned guilty about doing it. What really impressed me was hubby's attitude about it. Didn't flinch, moan or groan, just said thanks for telling him and he went to promptly answer them.

Its been weeks since we've read our marriage books. I'll mention it, but truthfully- big shocking confession upcoming- I could almost care less. Maybe it means I am mostly healed- that my huge panicky drive to 'fix' my husband has been supplanted by a contentment with the way things are right now. It also feels like every time I pick up one of those books I am stepping back to March on D-day. I am realizing that reading these books and pushing him to do it- it isn't helping me anymore. I'm going into my bedroom after I post this and putting all of those book away in my closet. I think I am finished with reading things for us. I need to focus on myself.

Hubby will be playing and running the softball tournement all weekend (and next Saturday). Since I had nothing to do (no car, no money due to saving for school) I went ahead and invited my daughter's friends to spend the night tonight. Its one little girl and the little girl's twin sisters. When I called their mother with the invitation, I thought she was going to cry. I doubt seriously that her and her husband have had a moment alone this year. She was so excited I thought she might plop those kids on my porch a day early. So it made me feel good to give a couple a night to themselves. At least someone in our neighborhood will be getting some. My husband is too busy with work and softball right now.

Not that I can't take care of myself.

Hope this post works.
Is it a coinicidence that this morning when I checked my blog that the advertisement up top was about saving your marriage and the other was how to deal with anxiety? I don't think so either. Yeah, I know they probably have a script that cheks the blogs for related adstuff and puts that topic up, but it kinda weirded me out.

Ok- first off- my 'payback' sucked. How my husband ended up getting three hummers that day and I ended up a disappointed mess, I'll never know. Ok, that's not true. I know exactly how I set myself up for disappointment. Ladies, when you are messing around with your man and ya feel wetness in your hand, don't just assume its pre-cum. Especially if your man is in his 30s and has already gotten off earlier in the day, is tired, and just wants to go to sleep. Especially if you've gotten so good at hitting his sweetspots that he is NOT inclined to hold back or just can't. I made a big mistake thinking that his loss of an erection was a reaction to me, and hubby being a big lug, thinking I knew he had already gotten off, couldn't figure out why I was getting upset. Of course, it didn't help that I had to ask to be kissed. And then when he kissed me it was half-assed and he actually offered to go down south instead. OMG- how humiliating. Im thinking that my husband has lost his erection because I asked for a kiss, would rather go down south instead of kissing me, and that I am a pathetic, needy stupid bitch for staying in the relationship. All this in the space of 5 minutes. Its a wonder I didn't start crying again. I now know that - he had orgasmed already and wanted to go to sleep - he didn't want to just kiss because he wanted to bring me to orgasm so we both could go to sleep and --his offer for oral pleasure was not to avoid kissing me at all, but to get me off as quickly as he could because he was exhausted.

And because I didn't know this, I put my hubby through another half hour of sexual 'hell', LOL. I was damned determined to give my husband an orgasm (not realizing I already had), to get another hard-on out of him (I did, of course),and to get off myself even if I had to use the bastard like he used me (I did mention I was pissed,right?). I completely misread the situation and poor hubby, being a trooper (and as dense as I am), did as much as he could to...uh, keep it up. He could tell I was getting mad and he didn't know why. And being the wonderfully brilliant people we are, we just wouldnt ask the other person what the hell the problem was.

Ah, love.

When I realized what had happened the next day (after some whining/bitching with my fellow Marriage Builders ladies) I went ahead and just asked him about it. I felt about three inches tall when he said, yes, he had orgasmed, "Didn't you know?" Please, someone, direct me to the nearest rock and I will slither under it. I felt much better by the time he got home and he just laughed at me. He's lucky I didn't slug him.

His tournament has gotten crazy and he' so busy putting it together that I expect to see him maybe 6 hours from today until Sunday night. They had to moev it from one set of fields to another and add an additional weekend. I'll be so happy when this crap is over. Also found out that apparantly his Chief won't let him take leave til August 1st, which means I will have about 10 days to spend with him. Uh...yippee? I know I should be thankful for whatever time we get, but it still pisses me off. Nothing ever seems to go off as planned.

I managed to lose a pound without walking. Of course, its taken 2 weeks and Im back at 197.5, but ya know, I'm not freaking out about it. It still feels fabulous to stand on th scale and not see 200something.

I'm thinking of leaving my son my computer. His Gateway is crapped out right now and I'm trying to fix it,but it occurred to me I have computer access at the dorms and I can purchase a new computer system in September if I wanted to. I may just go ahead and do that. It also allows me to take two bags instead of one suitcase and the boxed computer, meaning I can bring my own blankets and stuff if I wanted to. And I wouldn't be worried that a baggage handler would decide to take my computer home with him.

Yeah, I could do that.

Uhoh, having trouble with posting!

I love that my cycle only lasts 3-4 days. I've had a wonderful weekend so far and I made this morning fun for hubby. I figure I'll get some payback tonight and I am looking forward to it. All this week is going to be crazy for him. He has the final championship playoffs for the base league and his Liberation Day Tournament that he and his buddy put together this weekend. Its a 36 team, three day tournament. We will see him maybe an hour each day, hahaha, but after that, he begins his leave around the 24th until I leave.

Its finally hitting me that he is happy now. I have moments of panic still, and I figure that will occur a lot while I am gone, but it is sinking in that he is happy with me. I am waking with him cuddled up with me, I walk by him in the house and he reaches out to touch me, and he does, on occasion, follow me around the house. I like that last part. When we dated he'd follow me around like a puppy. Of course, I did the same with him, and that type of attention is enjoyable for me. I know other people find that annoying, but I don't. I am territorial by nature and I like it when my partner is as well. Sue me for being a little immature.

Also wanted to make sure that my readers know that the Navy is still very much an option open to me. This weekend I assessed my fitness and weight goals and pondered what I could do. After I redid the goals (you can see them on the Fitness and Weight Goals link), I found myself feeling that sense of purpose I felt back in January and February. All the marital strife kinda knocked me off-kilter. Ok, not kinda, it knocked me right on my ass. I havent't really bounced back since and now that I am feeling more secure (but not completely, not sure if I ever will), its time I give myself more attention instead of worrying all the time about him. Besides, he is really loving this new me, which is really the old me, but not the old married me. Its ok if you can't follow that. It makes sense to me. He's seeing flickers of highschool me- I was a lot more outgoing then than I have been.

I also realized that my current weight standstill is really me dealing with anxiety. When I have had successes before, I would self-destruct and immediately retreat back to a safe place- one that didn't allow for a lot of attention. I've finally worked beyond the point that I've self-destructed before and now I am kinda in limbo. Logically I know this is silly, and I just need to keep pushing. I am not a failure. I am just going beyond that place of safety and reaching places I haven't been in years...and people are noticing. At the same time I get a huge thrill out of it, I want to run and hide. Because if I succeed, it means I can't turn back and I have to deal with other things. I really am ready to take life head on- I just need to shake these fetters and move beyond the fear.

Knowing this doesn't make it easier, but does make it manageable. My boundaries are stretching, my horizens are widening, my mind awakening. God knows I do want this. I still catch myself wondering how I am going to screw everything up.

Argh, my cycle started Wednesday morning. Not cool! Was so looking forward to this weekend with hubby. He has no softball games and I was going to take advantage of him not being tired.

Still plodding along in Star Wars:Galaxies. Working on becoming a Tailor and seeing if i enjoy that. If I don't, bye-bye to the game. Nothing else has really phased me, but I am trying to like it. But its a huge timesink, it really is, and maybe that's why I am so resistant and bored with it. When hubby is on leave I don't plan on being on much. Probably only when he watches his sports for an hour or two. We had discussed that and it sounded like a plan. That way he can watch the games without me trying to talk to him and I only get dazed answers because he just wants to veg. I do plan on getting him out of the house to go visit places on Guam we haven't been to yet, so it isn't like we should be bored. It will be the first time that we will have spent 20 full days together. Perhaps by that time, he will shove me on to the plane. Haha.

Nothing else has happened since my last post. My sister never called back. Whew. She must have handled it on her own.

My kids actually miss school. They are getting bored and miss their friends.

I have 32 days until I leave.

Oh, the week before my cycle is always uncomfortable. I get all bloaty and crave cheese. My breasts hurt, I feel sluggish, and I always have an odd taste in my mouth. I also tend to eat around midnight. And since I don't go to bed until 3am, due to insomnia, that's ok (according to some studies). Oddly, however, the days before my cycle, my calorie counts are so low I don't have to walk. Which is good, since my left foot is still sore from walking on that shard of glass and...well, since I also cut my right foot! And I don't know what it was or when or how. I woke up and my toes were cut up. Now...hubby has longish toenails and its possible he got me on accident. What sucks, is somehow I have a cut between my middle toes. It rubs together and I am one of those people that if I have a bandaid on my feet it bothers me the entire time. So, Im off my feet this week. And Im not going to feel too guilty about it!!!

Hubby and I are all over each other. Twice Sunday,twice yesterday and twice this morning. I am not complaining. My cycle seems to be well-timed, about the time its due to begin hubby starts all his softball games back up. He'll be tired from work and play, so very little would happen then anyway. But now...I wake up and he's touching me or caressing my back. L-O-V-E. I-T.

35 days until I leave for Nebraska. I called my parents and it looks like I will be picking up my truck in Lincoln and driving down to visit them for 5 days in Kentucky. Dad says he will help with the gas money on the way back. That's cool. I need to see my Mom, because she had a very odd tone to her voice. Like something is going on in their house that she couldn't or wouldn't discuss over the phone. It will be differant when I get there and look her in the eye.

My sister called this morning wanting to know how pop-ups from porn sites get on a computer. She wanted to know if you had to visit them. When I realized she was talking about cookies... that made it a little more clear. My sister has major hangups about porn and its an enormous issue between her second husband and her. I was able to point out that the files were dated during the time that he was alone and she was in another state. I have a feeling she is going to ask me how to check the temp internet files. I will tell her, but Im going to make sure she is ready to face what she might find and have a game plan to deal with it. My sister is my polar opposite. She screams, throws things, insults, and makes threats to her huband when things go wrong. Her husband is of Portugese descent, and I understand that this was normal in his home when he was growing up- but this isn't the way to face marital problems. My sister and her husband have seperated once already. With three children (two from her abusive first marriage and one from this one) and a hill of debt... it would really help them if they both learned new ways to communicate.

Unfortunately, she won't see it that way. So I am kind of stuck. Do I tell her how to do it if I know she is just going to go off her rocker and make matters worse? I am tempted to tell her to check his Instant Messaging software (my hubby even said she probably should). Ok, no..I think I will keep mymouth shut about that. If she asks, I'll help her out, but I think the less involved I am, the better.

I don't have any major hangups about porn. Both hubby and I are known to look (although I haven't since November of last year) and we used to joke aobut what things the other person was looking at. Hubby doesn't look unless I was unavailable or away. His viewing has been very light over the years. Its never been a problem for us. I know he will look while I am gone (he told me he was going to and I laughed and said "Yeah, www.brunettes.com"). That doesn't bother me in the least. Hell, I might send him dirty pics of me in his email. :) I'm going to buy him a DVD and mail it to him. It would be completely differant if my husband had an obvious problem seperating reality from fantasy and was obssesive about it. Since his viewing is 50% less than my own, I don't have any worries. He hasn't looked at any porn since February. Yep: www.brunettes.com LOL.

Playing Star Wars:Galaxies....sucks. I am not enjoying it at all. Once the month is over Im putting it up on the shelf. I can't think of a reason to try it again, but I am open to the possibility. Playing SWG has taught me one thing- I will be buying Planetside to play with my son while at school. I didn't realize just how much I enjoyed the game until I was pulling my hair out and groaning over loggin in to SWG.

Had a very good weekend with my husband and kids. We were invited to a get together with some of his coworkers and we went and had a good time. Went to bed to fool around and go to sleep Sunday night and had the weirdest experience of my life.

Now, during sex, sometimes we talk. A lot. About naughty thing, and that is all good. But some of the naughty things he says sometimes makes me think he is trying to tell me something about what he did with that bitch. This has going on for about three months and last night it all kinda came to a head. I had already climaxed twice, but as usual, hubby's a trooper and he'll keep going- LOL-. Anyway, he continued whispering about this certain thing we've been having 'fun' with (fantasizing about me doing it with another man while he watches) when he made a comment about how doing it would "Make us even." Which is what I had been thinking- that he was trying to give me a chance to get even...but to actually hear him say it, I thought confirmed what I was told by that bitch. Now, during the act, my husband's inhibitions are pretty low and he will tell me things during that he would normally cover up. I've seen it time and time again. But after I heard that, I really revved up my engines (translation: lots of fun hip movements that, let's say, make him gasp), and I whispered, "You fucked her, didn't you." He's gasping and whatnot, since I'm really working him, and he can't really think (sorry, but that cracks me up) and he gasps "Who?" (yep, score one for me)."You fucked her, didn't you." And at this point, I'm really thrusting on him, he's making those sounds I enjoy so much, so I brace myself for the truth. He can barely get the words out."Actually... (and at this I get a bit rigid)...I didn't."

And at that...I wrapped myself solidly around him, and much to my dismay or horror- I start bawling my friggin' head off.

What the hell do you do when you start crying in the middle of sex? Never, ever happened to me and I hope to God it never happens again. Hubby was wonderful about it though. We stopped moving and he was making sure I was ok, kinda laughing about it (I know it sounds weird, but him laughing helped put me at ease, so of course I really started bawling). What I got hit with was just an enormous sense of relief. That last little issue for me had been eating me up inside. Both of them (hubby and the bitch) had lied to me, so on this issue I wasn't sure who to believe for a long time. And even when you say it doesn't really matter, it does. And after last night, I believe my husband. I really, truly, 100% believe him. He did admit to a couple things he had denied before (of which he was supremely emberrassed). He told me how very sorry he was to hurt me. You see, this is the first time he saw me cry about this. I've never let him see my pain. I think I needed that moment- it was very cathartic. It was a good half hour before we started in on each other again. Then we went to sleep. And I slept like a baby.

Good News: Hubby is relatively healthy and it looks like I could get even more of the bed sports I love so much this weekend. Yeah, this morning was okay, but I'd rather have more than 20 minutes to get our freak on, so I am really looking forward to the next two days.

Bad News: I have a foot injury that is going to derail my fitness routine for a few days. Ugh. My daughter confessed (after I got hurt) that a while back she had broken a drinking glass in the livingroom and quietly threw it away, thinking she had all the pieces. She must have missed the pinky-nail-sized one that finally found the bottom of my foot this morning. Yes, it was a smallish pice of glass...unfortunately, the way I hit it, it opened a fairly sizeable gash and implanted itself deep into my foot, an inch lower than my middle big toe. Blood was gushing everywhere. My daughter freaked out and I was in shock at first (I admit it, I just froze at teh sight of all that blood- I haven't been hurt like that in awhile). I managed to gasp out "Get a towel!" to my daughter and after she fetched it, I couldn't help but start braying with hysterical laughter when she screeched, "I can't see this!" and beat a hasty retreat into her room, slamming the door behind her. Of course, now I know that it was most likely guilt on her part- if I had known a glass had been broken in the livingroom I would have moved the couch back to make sure she got everything. I should have known, when right after I looked down to see the blood and this shard of glass sticking from the bottom of my foot and exclaimed, "Where the heck did that come from?"- and my daughter looked horrified.

After I took a nap (you know, because it was so traumatic- ok, just kidding, I had slept only 2 hours that night), I woke up to her kissing and hugging on me. Then when I checked my email she had sent me two E-cards. Its cool- at 9 she is finally learning to email. Now I know I will be plagued all this year with E-cards from Yahooligans or Flowgo. Anyway, I wasn't mad or anything about it- just wished I had known. With my foot all I could do was go to the mall for a bit with the kids to eat dinner and buy Star Wars:Galaxies.

Yes, I succumbed and bought the newest online game from Sony. Planetside is good, but I don't see myself playing it in Nebraska, so Im leaving it for my son to take over (he loves it). At least with Star Wars I can roleplay a bit. Since hubby has asked me not to work my first semester, I will have a lot of time on my hands...might as well play a timesink. The character customizations is AWESOME. I literally spent twenty minutes making my first character resemble me as much as possible. Even made her short and fat. She's going to be a bounty hunter.

Poor hubby worked from 9am (I dropped him off so we could have the car- too bad the foot injury kinda made that a waste of time) and didn't arrive back home until 1am. He was so exhausted that he couldn't even finish the piece of cheesecake I made sure was left for him. I had made it as a surprise yesterday for him and he was tired then too and went straight to bed without eating any of it, so the kids have been hacking at it all day. I managed to save two slices for him. I am the only person who doesn't like cheesecake in this house. So its a great dessert to make for the family without me getting pissy about not being able to inhale part of it myself.

Ok, off I go to nurse my foot some more (translation:Sit on my ass and play SWG) and take care of some things (translation: fold clothes and toss 'em on the floor in piles while watching people run by me in SWG).

My poor hubby is sick again. There goes my romantic notions for this weekend. Hopefully he will feel better in a couple days,but he's got a 17 hour day tomorrow and an 18 hour shift on Friday. Ok, I need to just realize that after he plays softball on Saturday, he will probably just want to sleep. Hubby is going to get a ride to work and back on July 4th, so I will have the car and be able to go buy groceries and have some fun with our kids. We are avoiding teh crowds at the fireworks and just going to go swimming.

This Sunday we are supposed to go see Sinbad. After that, its no more extra spending. Have to save all the money I can for school. I am looking at leaving either the 14th or 15th now. I have to make sure I can get to school on time.

Hubby didn't get home until almost 7pm. I really miss him. I sent him an email last night before I went to bed:
Just a quick email before I head to bed and snuggle close to you.

I want you to know that I *do* understand that you are very,very busy with work and the hours make you tired. I am trying hard not to add to your stress, but please remember that right now I really don't have a lot to do, and you being home is usually the highlight of my day. Also...I have just 7 more weeks with you, so try not to get too mad if I want to spend time with you. =)
Thank you for taking us out to dinner and for letting us go see a movie. I know you didn't feel well and probably just wanted to go home and go to bed. I do appreciate it.

I am not getting mad or angry with you because of this week, so please don't think I am. I'm just a little lonely and I am really looking forward to this weekend. I really don't want to come off needy (boy, I hate that). I just miss you, that's all.

I hope you have a good work day today. If you can, can you go to Housing and ask about our garbage can?

I love you.

This morning I was shocked to wake up to him reaching for me after the alarm went off. Yes, we ended up messing around, and it was much fun. No kissing since the poor man's lips are sunburnt and now with his sinus infection he can't breathe, LOL. But everything else was up for grabs. I didn't mention my email to him. I was just happy to have a bit of his attention and that he made the effort to take care of me. So, he left late for work (hehehe) but smiling.

Later in the afternoon, he called me to check on me and tell me he loved me and that he had read the email. He thanked me and I could tell by his voice he was so pleased. When he got home, he brought us dinner (Subway, yum!), and he thanked me again. It did mean a lot to him. I am glad I did it. I sent my poor baby to bed at 9pm after giving him Nyquil. I'm not even going to touch him when I go to bed. He needs his sleep. I'll cuddle with my pillow. Hubby jokes that I need to buy one of those body pillows to cuddle with at school. I am actually probably going to get one.

I'm content right now.

Just got back from seeing Terminator 3 with hubby and the kids. They did a great job, highly entertaining and I was more impressed with their special effects than the ones in Matrix 2.

Hubby is already in bed. He is so busy this week. I kinda have to wait in line until Saturday afternoon, once his softball games for that day are over. His work hours are nuts this week and July 4th he is gone on an 18 hour shift. I did tell him today that I am feeling loney. He said he knew, but to look forward to this weekend. So, Im donning my Girdle of Patience +4, Helm of Enlightenment, and swinging my sword +1 to defeat the blues monster.
I added an incline to my 2 mile walks and, WOW, what a differance a little 2.5% incline makes! An amazing workout. I might begin to do that more often to change things up. My heart rate was right where it should have been. I really felt great when I was done.

Off I go to check my other forums and pick up house before bed. Promised hubby I'll snuggle with him tonight,e ven though I was worried I would wake him. he said not to worry about it, he's pretty tired.