We've been back in Japan for awhile, been using Twitter to update, sicne I haven;t really felt up to typing a lot.

Grandpa did pass away while we were there, about a week after we arrived. I saw him before he passed and he knew who I was and even remembered the exact date he had last talked to me and seemed tickled pink that I still had a Xmas gift he had sent to me. Its a big book on Native American Indians, which he had sent because I was asking questions about our ancestors (I'm part Apache). He died four days later.

I met an entire family I didn't really know existed. They were very kind and generous. Thay can also make a hell of a good spread. I also have a very good reason now to learn Spanish, since they are all of Mexican descent, although they insisted on speaking English when I was around. I felt bad about that, so it would be nice to be able to hang out with my aunts and cousins and have them feel comfortable speaking Spanish. I have one aunt that is a year younger than me...grandpa's youngest (and natural) daughter with his second wife. The woman he left my grandmother for 50 years ago. It was very surreal meeting them and watching my mother be nice to them after all the years of hateful comments coming from her. I think she has a lot of regrets.

There was a whole bunch of drama involved in between and I'm just going to keep that to myself as it involves other family members I don't care to really bring up here.

In other news....

While in Texas we finally decided on a house and signed a contract. They should start building late June, early July. The property has already appreciated $2000 (thankfully after we signed, heh!). We're hoping its finished in October, at which time I will fly back with Logan in tow and get it ready for our oldest to move in.

I've been having shoulder pain for awhile and tried to ignore it. It got really bad in Texas and I realized I needed to get help for it. I've had two doctor visits (primary care doctor then a physical therapist) and they've sent me on to orthopedics. I have calcification going on and a possible torn/worn rotator cuff on top of that, so on June 12th Orhto will be looking at my arm and deciding whether to try steroid shots or cut me up. I grit my teeth during the day, taking Tylenol every so often to take the edge off and at night I take percocet so I can actually sleep. Which I am on right now and can't wait to get into bed after finishing up here.

I am very happy to report, though, that I managed to lose 8 pounds in May. I went from 185 to 177.

My goal for June is 6 pounds. I'll take 7 though. hehe

I'm tired and need to sleep. Percocet is my new best friend.

Night.

Red Cross message requesting my presence in Texas. Grandfather is terminal and he has gastric cancer and given 3-6 weeks. If they could get him to eat a little, he might last 3-6 months, but he's unable to keep food down and not even interested in eatng. Doctors said that if he could eat like a 'normal' person he could stretch his time to 9 months.

Grandfather is requesting a military funeral (he's retired Air Force) and has both of his families (he divorced my grandmother and married the other woman over 40somthing years ago) oldest children working on his paperwork and estate. Which means my mother and her half-brother, who she has no relationship with, now spend time with each other every day. She's stressed out and confused and I have a feeling she's not eating again. She weighed 86 pounds at her last doctor's appointment.

Hubby went to the Navy Relief Society and I believe they are helping us with tickets since the money we have would be wiped out-- and that money is for closing costs on the house we just signed for on Friday (via my parents).

I think we leave Thursday. Waiting for hubby to get home for the details.

I might have to let my family see me 20 pounds heavier than the last time they laid eyes on me.

My grandfather is in the hospital and word sounds grim. I hardly know the man because I wasn't allowed to get to know him. To try was tantamount to treason in my mother's eyes.... of course, now that he may be terminal (we believe its stomach and liver cancer), she's dealing with a lot of 'what ifs' and guilt.

So we're waiting to see what the Red Cross says and we may head over next Thursday. Keep you posted.

I have exercised every day other than Monday, which was a rainy day.

Ok, calorie counts for the weekend:
Saturday was 1400.
Sunday, with Spring celbration, was 1800 (yow!).
Monday, today, was 1600 because I gave in on a chocolate egg, dammit!

However, I walked another 2 miles today and my protein intake was fantastic.

Tomorrow's goal will be about 1300 to make up for Sunday. I'm going to see Confessions of a Shopoholic at the base theater ($3 movies!) and am allowing a little bit of soda with my smuggled-in beef jerky.

Started reading the next book on overeating. Reads like the first one I read. The first one Breaking Free from Emotional Eating advised eating what you want when you want but pretty much eating consciously-- analyzing *why* you are eating, say, when you aren;t hungry or when you crave something. It did warn that you may gain weight while adjusting to this type of thing. Um, yeah, you think? I gained 5 pounds! Hence that 185 weigh in! Holy shit!

So...I stopped the eat whatever and how much you want thing... adjusted it to eating less of what I am craving but definately doing the mental notes of what, why, where, when, and how of the process. I dropped 2 pounds right before my cycle started.... easily could have been water weight, or just taking in less sodium. I crave sweets and salt right before and during my cycles.

I've noticed I have a lot more anxiety than I thought. Its over 'weird' stuff too... like dealing with meeting new people or a group I've met before. Realized I would eat a heck of alot the day prior, day of, and day after bowling with hubby's coworkers. And these people actually like me! What the heck is that about? Today I made myself go watch hubby play baseball with the same people we bowled with...but no cravings for food this time. However, I had a dumping episode over that damned chocolate egg this afternoon and it really soured me on food the rest of the day. heh.

So this week I'm going to try to keep track of when and where I feel anxiety and how bad it gets before I 'notice' it. After the baseball game today, I was a bit tense. Instead of reachinginto the fridge, I went for the two mile walk at the track. It was 10pm, but I didn't care. It felt really good.

Will try to walk again tomorrow. Probably while Logan is at speech therapy.

1200 calories for today and a 2 mile walk in gorgeous weather. Cherry blossoms floating on the wind.

My left foot hurts, though. Hope its better tomorrow so I can walk again. I may try to slow it down to avoid pain again.

My cycle should start any day now, so I'm expecting a lot of fluctuation the next few days. Which always irks me.

I must be dealing with some water weight, because I was 2 pounds less this morning. Which is motivational to kleep that off for good, by watching my intake today. I had low salt intake yesterday and that could hgave helped. I start my cycle any day now, too, so we'll see where my weight is in two weeks.

Ok, day 2. Starting it with decaf tea and Splenda and taking my supplements. Trying out the yoga at noon.

800 calories today. Headed to bed...exhausted and sick, will try the yoga in the morning.

Thanks Caroline.

Goals for today-- no grazing. Also, try to feel hunger before eating.

This can be a problem for post-ops. I personally don't feel 'true' hunger for several hours- we're talking able to go 7-8 hours without a rumble. And then when I am hungry, I can't take in enough to make up for the loss of protein intake for the day. So I had been eating every few hours....but that escalated over the last year into way too many mini-meals.

So today. Feel real hunger to seperate 'head' hunger. Then setup a better eating schedule that works for me.

Also...no more drnking with meals!!! We are NOT supposed to do this, but I have been doing it for a year now. Hmmm....now that I think of it, it started with little sips and now I can drink almost a 12 oz of soda/water/tea during a meal without thinking about it. Which of course means I've been pushing more food through my pouch than I could have normally taken in...and making it more convenient to graze sooner.

One day at a time. Not sure if I can exercise today-- I've had a couple of hours of sleep and I'm sick. Ok, wait, tonight I WILL try this new yoga dvd and see how it is. I'll ask my daughter to try it out with me. At least I'll be stretching.

Ok, new weigh in. Sucks. Hardcore. Bad choices, not enough movement.

I have ten weeks before I have to face family that are super-critical and its just too embarrassing to contemplate going back twenty five pounds heavier than when I left.

10 weeks.
2 pounds a week.

Let's shake this shit up.

Happy happy!!!

I received an A on my final exam and an A for the course. YAAAAAAAAY! Made me feel good enough to maybe attempt the next math course this fall.

Looks like my teenager wants to come along to the US and now we may not leave til mid-June and stay through July. We'll see, since round trip tickets just jumped $300 each, which would make the cost $3600 for the three of us.

Took Logan and daughter to see Monsters vs Aliens (or whatever). Cute. Not great, but Logan liked it and that's what matters. LOVED Stephen Colbert's President, though.

Movies I can't wait to see this summer: Terminator: Salvation, Star Trek, Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince, and Transformers 2. Oh Fast & Furious, cuz I love me some Vin Diesel. And fast cars. And Michelle Rodriguez. Even if she's kinda nuts.