My weight is still firmly at 190. I'd be superpissed if I hadn't been able to at least enjoy getting into a pair of pants today that were tight last month. So something is going on and I'm just going to suck it up until we get to Texas. We leave here for Texas on October 15th.

So for the next couple weeks I'd like to get to 185...but considering I am sick with a weird cough and fatigued feeling... I just don't know.

I bought myself some clothes today. Just shirts for the fall and that I could wear to work if I do get a part-time seasonal job while in the States. Or just to have something nice to wear out with the family.

Everything else is pretty quiet right now. I'm sure there will be much more to say when we get to actually live in our new home.

I've been playing Aion and workong on two online college courses. Taking two at a time stresses me out, so I think this will be the last time I do it.

Here's some pics of my Aion character though:

My shoulder is at 99% now and I have even been able to bowl a little.

I must be doing something right, though, with my exercise because normally when my monthly cycle starts, my weight jumps about 4 pounds up. This week it dropped a little and remained the same. So I am hoping to show a good loss in September!

I am also surprised because I pulled my back last week and have been on muscle relaxers and pain meds for most of this time and had to watch my food intake because I couldn't walk for several days. My back is still twitchy when I bend, but its felt much better the last couple days.

I purchased a pair of size 16 jeans after resisting, but the denim fabric is very soft and comfortable and although they are tight, I know I can wear them comfortably by the time it starts getting cool here. They are Bill Blass jeans and I paid just $6 for them- yay for clearance! This will be the last size 16 anything I buy EVER.

Right now I am waiting for hubby to get back from his morning PT, because I am going to start taking a morning walk each day before he goes to work. Which of course necessitates me going to bed at a normal hour. Which would also help Logan to go to bed at a more reasonable time. So, really, its good for everyone.

Logan's speech classes start up again today. My daughter started tenth grade yestetrday. She's pretty excited.

We became homeowners on August 28th, 2009. Our downpayment was just $1500 (VA loan) with a 5.5% rate. I'm thrilled with that. I can't wait until October when Logan and I can get there, sleep in our master bedroom, enjoy our garden tub and seperate shower (with the full clear glas enclosure), and paint, paint, paint.

Now to catch up with what has happened in the Big Brother house while I was sleeping and then take a walk.

Feeling really positive today.

Yes, I am alive, as my fairly active Twitter account can attest.

I am however, struggling with my weight, yet again.

After coming back from Texas, my right arm began bothering more than it had before and the pain became constant. I finally went in for tests and in the meantime, I was put on percocet, muscle relaxers, and anti-inflammatories. All the weight I had lost on our trip to Texas came back within a week. Tests came back and I was finally sent to Yokosuka orthopedics where I've been put on medication hoping that they huge calcium deposit causing the bursitus in my shoulder would eventually reabsorb into the bone. I was pretty much stationary and hobbled by the arm for awhile.

I am feeling 100% better now, but am back in the upper 180s sitting at 189. I am frustrated beyond belief and just teetering on the verge of depression. I can feel it trying to drag me under. I've been gritting my teeth a lot lately and just keep trying to plow forward.

As soon as I started feeling better this month I started walking again and I chose a new route instead of the track. Its 4kilometers total which is 2.4856 miles. Last week I was so proud that my fat intake had lessened and my calories were pretty good and I was working out again. My shirts started to fit better and then my weight crept up to 191! Yes, I felt like pulling my hair out, but I have to go by how my clothes feel right now or I will absolutely lose my shit. I'm mad at myself, I'm mad at my shoulder, and just struggling.

Last night I went back to the website I've found some really good things on and a woman under the alias Jupiter 6 wrote this about her WLS journey. It really helped me and I printed it out and put it on the fridge where I can read it every day. Here it is (she's given permissionfor people to steal it as long as her name is mentioned):

I've had some success-- I suppose I can admit as much at this point, although it feels weird. So now I get a lot of people who PM asking for advice, or saying they look up to me, and flattering though that is, it's silly, because I pretty much just follow the rules (okay, the ones that make sense) and it all comes out in the wash. So I usually don't have much to add when people ask how you get where I have gotten, there's no great mystery: the reason I have been successful in some ways that others have failed I usually pass off as luck.

But that's not entirely true. I just realized it. There actually *is* one more piece, and because I love ya, I am going to share it with you now. Sounds trifling, but it contains volumes.

Here it is: YOU CAN do hard things.

I know, you're saying, "What's your point?"

Sometimes, when faced with a challenge-- especially if you're a recovering addict as so many of us are, when you approach something difficult, your inner voice says, "Holy crap-- I can't DO that"...and you do an about-face-- you reach for the drug (or Ring Ding) of choice. To feel uncomfortable..and not to comfort yourself, is a hard thing --

but you can do hard things.

When it's late and you're tired, and you know you are supposed to walk, you said you would, and it's looking like it might rain-- it's hard as hell to lace those sneakers up and get out there---

but you can do hard things.

Protein shakes can taste yucky. It's hard to remember all those calcium supplements. It's hard to get 64 oz of water in. It's hard to plan meals, buy expensive and healthy choices, stay out of the cake in the lounge at work--

but you can do hard things.

You don't have to self-medicate. You don't have to eat those chips. You don't have to duck and avoid every unpleasant, difficult challenge in your path. Sometimes, the best bet is to admit their existance..."Yes, hard things, I see you trying to get in my way, but you know what? I CAN DO HARD THINGS!"

Sometimes this means having to survive a host of feelings you never felt before because you never let yourself feel them before-- stress, confusion, anger, rage. You can't numb them out or sand off their edges-- you have to stand right in your space and let them have a go at you-- and grit your teeth, and say to yourself, "Go ahead, get in my way. I'll get through this. I can do hard things."

And you will find that you will survive them. And as you survive them, you will face new ones, standing a little taller, because in time you will eventually understand and rely on the fact that you can do hard things. And eventually the "pass me some Ben and Jerry's--my boss is a jackass" response gives way to something new-- something that sounds more like this:

"Go ahead, Boss, bring it on. I'll have that on your desk by five."
"No thanks, Nancy, it's gorgeous but I really can't have an eclair right now."
"I guess I could just park back there and walk."
"It's only 8 ounces and I don't have to love the stuff, I'll just drink it quickly."
"If I spend ten minutes planning now, I won't be faced with tough choices later."

Post RNY living is no joke. It's not easy. It's not fun. It's not all "Whee, I'm a size 6!" Not everyone takes it as badly as I did, but there were days I *literally* cried because a kid at a store could have a cookie and I couldn't. I felt sorry for myself and holed up in my jammies, burning candles, and chatting here to avoid my fridge.

When I started, I could literally not walk further than my car, which is about 100 feet from my door. I bargained with myself that getting down to maybe 250 pounds would be JUST FINE, I didn't need more than that because I though to ask more from myself was ridiculous, impossible-- who the hell loses 220 pounds? That's not even humanly possible, seriously!

And I found out the answer to who does that : it's ME. *I* can lose 220 pounds-- I know it because I *did* it . I can manage my intake. I can get in my supplements. I can learn to accept my new, imperfect body. And with planning and management, I can make a post op life that still provides pleasure, joy and fulfillment.

I and I don't do those things because they are easy-- I do them because they're hard, but I *can*.
I can do hard things.

And so can you. And you will. So the next time it's all too much (and it is for me too, although less often as I grow), look your RNY challenge-- whatever it is--- boldy in the face and say, "I can do this. I can do hard things."

Then pull out all the stops and grab the brass ring-- it's there for the taking!



I've noticed that I have stopped wanting to buy pretty things like I did when I was in the 160s and 150s. I got a haircut and I don't even care to take a picture of it because... well, who cares, I look like the old fat me again and I feel that way, too. I'm so disappointed in myself. I have this great tool and due to noncompliance and letting stress and anxiety and old habits getting to me, I've lost a year's worth of time and work.

I do not want to treat myself the way I used to, so I'm forging ahead and trying to keep my anger at a slow simmer. I need to keep my eye on the positive things.

Positive:
My shoulder is feeling so much better and I may actually avoid surgery.
I love my haircut and it looks great with my haircolor. I think my mom will like it when she sees it.
Our new home is almost finished and it looks like we close on it at the end of this month. Logan and I will be headed back to Texas for several months and I can use that time to maybe come back and surprise hubby. I'd like to be able to take off 30 pounds before we return in March. My mom is great with recipes, so I'll have her support while there.
I'm still enrolled in college courses.
Bills are getting paid.
Hubby and I are happy and content. We gained weight together and we're working on losing it together.
The kids are doing well. Our family is happy.

That will do.

We've been back in Japan for awhile, been using Twitter to update, sicne I haven;t really felt up to typing a lot.

Grandpa did pass away while we were there, about a week after we arrived. I saw him before he passed and he knew who I was and even remembered the exact date he had last talked to me and seemed tickled pink that I still had a Xmas gift he had sent to me. Its a big book on Native American Indians, which he had sent because I was asking questions about our ancestors (I'm part Apache). He died four days later.

I met an entire family I didn't really know existed. They were very kind and generous. Thay can also make a hell of a good spread. I also have a very good reason now to learn Spanish, since they are all of Mexican descent, although they insisted on speaking English when I was around. I felt bad about that, so it would be nice to be able to hang out with my aunts and cousins and have them feel comfortable speaking Spanish. I have one aunt that is a year younger than me...grandpa's youngest (and natural) daughter with his second wife. The woman he left my grandmother for 50 years ago. It was very surreal meeting them and watching my mother be nice to them after all the years of hateful comments coming from her. I think she has a lot of regrets.

There was a whole bunch of drama involved in between and I'm just going to keep that to myself as it involves other family members I don't care to really bring up here.

In other news....

While in Texas we finally decided on a house and signed a contract. They should start building late June, early July. The property has already appreciated $2000 (thankfully after we signed, heh!). We're hoping its finished in October, at which time I will fly back with Logan in tow and get it ready for our oldest to move in.

I've been having shoulder pain for awhile and tried to ignore it. It got really bad in Texas and I realized I needed to get help for it. I've had two doctor visits (primary care doctor then a physical therapist) and they've sent me on to orthopedics. I have calcification going on and a possible torn/worn rotator cuff on top of that, so on June 12th Orhto will be looking at my arm and deciding whether to try steroid shots or cut me up. I grit my teeth during the day, taking Tylenol every so often to take the edge off and at night I take percocet so I can actually sleep. Which I am on right now and can't wait to get into bed after finishing up here.

I am very happy to report, though, that I managed to lose 8 pounds in May. I went from 185 to 177.

My goal for June is 6 pounds. I'll take 7 though. hehe

I'm tired and need to sleep. Percocet is my new best friend.

Night.

Red Cross message requesting my presence in Texas. Grandfather is terminal and he has gastric cancer and given 3-6 weeks. If they could get him to eat a little, he might last 3-6 months, but he's unable to keep food down and not even interested in eatng. Doctors said that if he could eat like a 'normal' person he could stretch his time to 9 months.

Grandfather is requesting a military funeral (he's retired Air Force) and has both of his families (he divorced my grandmother and married the other woman over 40somthing years ago) oldest children working on his paperwork and estate. Which means my mother and her half-brother, who she has no relationship with, now spend time with each other every day. She's stressed out and confused and I have a feeling she's not eating again. She weighed 86 pounds at her last doctor's appointment.

Hubby went to the Navy Relief Society and I believe they are helping us with tickets since the money we have would be wiped out-- and that money is for closing costs on the house we just signed for on Friday (via my parents).

I think we leave Thursday. Waiting for hubby to get home for the details.

I might have to let my family see me 20 pounds heavier than the last time they laid eyes on me.

My grandfather is in the hospital and word sounds grim. I hardly know the man because I wasn't allowed to get to know him. To try was tantamount to treason in my mother's eyes.... of course, now that he may be terminal (we believe its stomach and liver cancer), she's dealing with a lot of 'what ifs' and guilt.

So we're waiting to see what the Red Cross says and we may head over next Thursday. Keep you posted.

I have exercised every day other than Monday, which was a rainy day.

Ok, calorie counts for the weekend:
Saturday was 1400.
Sunday, with Spring celbration, was 1800 (yow!).
Monday, today, was 1600 because I gave in on a chocolate egg, dammit!

However, I walked another 2 miles today and my protein intake was fantastic.

Tomorrow's goal will be about 1300 to make up for Sunday. I'm going to see Confessions of a Shopoholic at the base theater ($3 movies!) and am allowing a little bit of soda with my smuggled-in beef jerky.

Started reading the next book on overeating. Reads like the first one I read. The first one Breaking Free from Emotional Eating advised eating what you want when you want but pretty much eating consciously-- analyzing *why* you are eating, say, when you aren;t hungry or when you crave something. It did warn that you may gain weight while adjusting to this type of thing. Um, yeah, you think? I gained 5 pounds! Hence that 185 weigh in! Holy shit!

So...I stopped the eat whatever and how much you want thing... adjusted it to eating less of what I am craving but definately doing the mental notes of what, why, where, when, and how of the process. I dropped 2 pounds right before my cycle started.... easily could have been water weight, or just taking in less sodium. I crave sweets and salt right before and during my cycles.

I've noticed I have a lot more anxiety than I thought. Its over 'weird' stuff too... like dealing with meeting new people or a group I've met before. Realized I would eat a heck of alot the day prior, day of, and day after bowling with hubby's coworkers. And these people actually like me! What the heck is that about? Today I made myself go watch hubby play baseball with the same people we bowled with...but no cravings for food this time. However, I had a dumping episode over that damned chocolate egg this afternoon and it really soured me on food the rest of the day. heh.

So this week I'm going to try to keep track of when and where I feel anxiety and how bad it gets before I 'notice' it. After the baseball game today, I was a bit tense. Instead of reachinginto the fridge, I went for the two mile walk at the track. It was 10pm, but I didn't care. It felt really good.

Will try to walk again tomorrow. Probably while Logan is at speech therapy.